英文作文点评贴 -- 欢迎足友提交

mkids

洋八路 发表于 2016-1-11 22:30
谢谢mkids提交作文。

这个文章非常有诗意，写的很有韵味，我很喜欢。

謝謝老师!

奇思

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-23 13:13
八年级作文，⊙﹏⊙b汗，这么高年级写的还这么孩子气，麻烦老师点评一下。好像有个故事背景的，然后模仿故 ...

好喜欢这个！这是The Year it All Ended的同人文的感觉呀...而且质量还特别高，原著气息浓郁，语言模仿准确。
太有才了。

Hsc

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-23 14:13
八年级作文，⊙﹏⊙b汗，这么高年级写的还这么孩子气，麻烦老师点评一下。好像有个故事背景的，然后模仿故 ...

Beautiful writing!

洋八路

qj94 发表于 2016-3-21 20:16
year 1 的儿子打的weekly news，求指导。谢谢
My Favorite Book
My favorite book that I like to read wit ...

谢谢QJ94提交作文。一年级学生来说，这文章写的很通顺，连续几个Then写的很有童趣。

文章结束的有点突然，好像没有完。。。所以看下面，我添加几句，叫小孩看看，问他/她为什么要加一点，妥善结尾。

鼓励小孩多写，多表达。。

-----------

My Favorite Book

My favorite book that I like to read with my family members is The Super Chef Contest. This book is fun and interesting. My favorite part is when Trap walked to the freezer and opened the door and said “no!” Then said “no” and then said “ops” and then said “help” and then said “ow!” Geronimo Stilton said “how do you feel?” Trap answered “you are so selfish”. Geronimo Stilton said “what”. There are many characters in the book, and I like all of them, and every time I saw anyone reading books I wish to go and recommend The Super Chef Contest!

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洋八路

hwll 发表于 2016-3-23 14:04
五年级作文，请老师帮忙点评下。
                                                             Bushfire ...

你好，hwll, 谢谢你提交作文。

这个故事字句通顺，对火的描述写的不错。不过在逻辑上读起来不够‘真实可信’。主要的问题是，爸爸和妈妈先跑，我一个小孩反而在后面，这可能吗？火灾挺严重的，因为，树都倒下来了。。

可以叫你小孩重新写一遍吗？叫他/她想象一个‘真实的‘森林火灾烧房子全家逃跑的故事。

问他/她一下，发生火灾时会怎么样呢？什么时间？你如何知道着火了？着火以后家里人的真实反映如何。。。。叫小孩开动想象力，写一个合理的故事，再帖出来。

谢谢

洋八路

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-23 14:13
八年级作文，⊙﹏⊙b汗，这么高年级写的还这么孩子气，麻烦老师点评一下。好像有个故事背景的，然后模仿故 ...

谢谢Seecloud提交作文。象其他几个网友说的，这封信写很好，文字朴实，情感自然流露。

如果一定要说改进，我个人觉得文字’感动人‘的地方还可以更’到位‘。现在的状态是读者刚有点‘想哭’，可又被提前终止的感觉。。


我就‘小心翼翼’的改了一点点，把fainted, 改为cried, 再加了一点点对beautiful burial place的描述。


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Dearest Minna,


How is everyone at home? Are you faring well? How is Nette, and little Ray? Don't you let Mama do too much. Remind her that she is older than she was. I am sorry that I am writing to you only now, Minna, and when this letter reaches you, it would be later still, and I would most likely be on the ship home. Now that I have reached Buire-Courcelles, Louis' resting place, I feel that this is the time, and place, to write to you.

As I had said, I have arrived at Buire-Courcelles, and I visited Louis' grave the day before yesterday. I came to Buire-Courcelles in such a mix of feelings, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had cried. In the space of a few weeks I was rustled out of my homeland, and landed on the other side of the world. Although they speak English in England, the place feels so different to Australia, and France is even more so. Despite all that, I found the place of Louis' burial was beautiful, with trees and flowers neatly arranged like in a garden. Louis would have been glad to know he was resting in such a wonderful place. On the breeze I told him all that happened since his death, even though his mortal body can not hear me, his heavenly soul will, and I am sure that he would like to know about everything.

You'll be glad to know that his grave is now adorned with your wattles, as well as wild flowers and poppies. Such a plain grave, but now, it is covered with symbols of our love, from all the way across the world. Louis would be glad to know that. Your wattles also gave me hope, Minna, for although they have been much battered by the journey, the flowers still stand golden, against the brown and white, and we shall too, and even though our journey was hard, we have survived.

You would have liked France, in the happier days before the war. Many of the towns are still in ruins, and many folk have lost their homes and livelihoods. I have only begun to realise how lucky we are, living in Australia, where war has only touched the edges of our lives, in newspapers, and reports that have travelled so far, and the boys that came home, the ones that scream in the middle of the night, and flinch at loud noises. But we shall not talk of such miserable things. It is a time for hope, a time for rebuilding our world.

I must leave you now for it is getting dark. I have been writing this letter for one whole day. Perhaps next time my letter would be shorter and easier to write, but today was such an emotional day, and I felt I must write down every detail, even though it took so long to unravel my thoughts. In a way, writing to you helped, as did the visit to Louis' grave. The journey filled the empty hole in my heart, and the seed of hope has begun to sprout once again.

With love,


Tiney Flynn

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qj94

洋八路 发表于 2016-3-26 21:10
谢谢QJ94提交作文。一年级学生来说，这文章写的很通顺，连续几个Then写的很有童趣。

文章结束的有点突然 ...

谢谢老师，评价很好。继续鼓励儿子多写

seecloud

洋八路 发表于 2016-3-26 22:23
谢谢Seecloud提交作文。象其他几个网友说的，这封信写很好，文字朴实，情感自然流露。

如果一定要说改进 ...

谢谢老师点评，可能我没有仔细看吧，觉得在写什么啊有点啰嗦。用的单词也比较simple.看起来这次是超水平发挥了，哈哈

也谢谢各位给的认可，让我又认真读了一遍，确实有点感觉。我给提了两点意见：一是有些句子太长，需要考虑分开，不要一直是逗号；第二点 “be glad to know that”用了两次，其中一处改一种表述方式感觉会更好些。不知道大家怎么看?

洋八路

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-29 19:24
谢谢老师点评，可能我没有仔细看吧，觉得在写什么啊有点啰嗦。用的单词也比较simple.看起来这次是超水平 ...

最好的文章是简单，平易近人。有些句子较长，用逗号，我感觉正是作者“动感情”的地方，流水一样，一下子止不住....是文章的精华部分... 全文我没感觉什么重复... 一两处也是“精华”... 因为真诚的东西是可以超越一点规矩的。。

SmithN

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-29 19:24
谢谢老师点评，可能我没有仔细看吧，觉得在写什么啊有点啰嗦。用的单词也比较simple.看起来这次是超水平 ...

+1 洋八路，没有感觉重复。也不认同是超水平发挥。要么这篇文字不是独立完成的，要么就是你的女儿在这种写作体裁上很有天分。这是一种高明的艺术天分，她应该很安静内向，又很聪明。

洋八路的关于更多描写性词句的建议很好。可以告诉你女儿有意识地去增加。但不要不自然，不可破坏文字的流畅和协调。

有的人/老师希望看到一些艰涩/高级的词汇。这个应该是根据文字的需要的。真要在这方面对这一篇文字提建议，那就是或许在进行一些描写的时候带几个拉丁语或拉丁词根的词汇，会显得更加细腻，更文学。或者，信结束时，来个法语的au revoir，很应景。但是，最重要的是这些都不重要，因为该篇文字很流畅，娓娓道来，已经很漂亮，再浓妆反为不佳。

FEIPO

请老师费心指导。谢谢！
小莉，11，YEAR 6

Creative Writing     15 minutes   20/3/2016

Vanilla

I used to live on a farm, it was so big!
I lay in bed thinking about it all the time thinking that one day I might be there again with my whole family this time.
‘”HURRY UP! Or you’ll be late!” yelled Dad. I quickly snatched my suitcase and ran to the door just in time for the garage door to close. I hopped in at the back of the car and left the farm that I grew up in as a child. I really did miss it especially my pet pig that I got for my 3rd birthday.’ Vanilla, that’s right Vanilla. I had named it, I remembered. Images of Vanilla ran through my mind like a machine as videos played back what they recorded in my mind as well.
‘“It’ll be alright honey,” Mum spoke softly and soothingly back to me.’ Tears had rolled down my cheek I remembered and I had hugged a toy of Vanilla against my chest as if it was the biggest treasure in the world. Next… I thought. ‘The car had parked along the side of the road and Dad in a very big and gruff voice complained “HOP OUT EVERYONE!” I thought that he was angry until Mum had lost her patients and asked what was wrong and that was until the car broke down that Dad was very angry. We couldn’t go back because the reason we had left was because of an animal disease spreading around the whole countryside and that was the cause that I had to leave Vanilla behind.’
I thought in my miseries of the night as I regretted all the time of leaving Vanilla to dye like that.
‘We really didn’t have much with us to the city, half because we couldn’t fit it all into the car and half because the car ran out of petrol and broke down on us.’ All I really had that was precious to me was really that photo of Vanilla and I. I had bent down to pat her while Vanilla was smelling the new born grass as spring made its way by, I thought.

oceanview

My daughter, 9 years old in Year4

She wrote a long story, nearly 20 pages as below, can you please give some advice! Much appreciated!!!!



The Tale of the Fairy and the Witch

Chapter 1 – The Perfect Fairy
Once upon a time, there lived a witch named Griselda, she used to be a beautiful, kind fairy, but a different witch cursed her and now she was just like her! She had dark, frizzy hair that shot out like lightning bolts, her eyes were dark brown, and she had cracked, broken wings. Everyone called them sisters, but Griselda didn’t mind. Meanwhile, there lived a very different fairy named Arietta, she had long blond hair that shone in the sun, and eyes as blue as the sky, she was loved by all fairies, she was known to be a perfect heir for the fairy princess. This little fairy didn’t hate many things, she hated gilthead (a special fairy drink), Kiki Mountain (one of the color mountains), but the thing she hated most was: WITCHES. Arietta was always brave enough to lure away any witch, but she never met Griselda, and Griselda was different from other witches.

Chapter 2 – The River of Courage
One day, Arietta came across a beautiful river that she never saw before, it flowed gently and the crystal clear water sparkled in the sun. Arietta decided to cross it and see what waited on the other side. Arietta sang a little spell that would make the water still so she could fly across:
Water stay put,
Stop flowing, now,
Take all the pressure away,
And make the whole river stay STILL!
Arietta smiled as the water gradually stopped flowing. If water touched her wings, her wings would wilt and wither away. She happily flew across, not knowing what was about to come. It was a fairly long and wide river, ‘I hope I can make it across before the spell wears off’ Arietta hoped. Soon, the water started rushing again, “What’s happening?!” Arietta cried as she looked down from above. Only a few seconds passed, and the spell was supposed to last at least 3 minutes! Arietta tried again:
Stay still, little river,
Be calm and kind,
Water obey my thoughts,
And please stop the rush!
The spell wasn’t working! “Maybe I should go back home”, Arietta thought. No, she couldn’t, she was too far away from land, and she didn’t want to risk her wings getting wet. Arietta decided to call her animal friends to help, Arietta whistled a light tune, and soon, out of nowhere, birds and pixies appeared. The bird’s job in Fairy City was to control the wind and weather. The birds flapped their wings softly at the river to produce a calm wind to stop the river from rushing, but the river didn’t stop. Arietta groaned then looked at the three pixies hopefully. The pixie’s job in Fairyland was to mix potions and sell them in fairy shops. The pixies were puzzled, then one of the pixies with light blue hair and a pale pink dress on, flew in front. “Have you got an idea, Bell?” Arietta asked Bell. Bell nodded, then whispered something to a pixie named Hunt with dark green hair and a brown top and green pants. “Bell, Hunt, what is it?” Hunt finally said something, “Arietta, Bell suggests we make a potion of Wing Protection to protect your wings from the water” Hunt said. “But isn’t Wing Protection supposed to protect your wings from those witches that come at night?” Arietta answered. “It’s worth a try” Bell encouraged. “Ahem” A little fairy with lavender hair and light yellow dress choked. “Is there something wrong, Spark?” Arietta asked the pixie. “That will cost fairy dust, you know” Spark answered with annoyance. “Yeah, okay” Arietta shrugged. “Plus 6 more fairy dust since we have to come back to deliver it” Spark continued. “Uh, sure why not” Arietta answered. All the pixies nodded and flew back to their workstation. Arietta sighed; she wished she were a pixie, at least their wings didn’t wither away when they touched water, they were also really fast so they can easily pass the river.

A few minutes later, the pixies came back with a potion in Bell’s hand. “Here, drink the potion, then you will feel your wings get lighter and lighter, then fly across the river slowly” Spark instructed. “What if it doesn’t work? This potion isn’t used for protecting your wings from the water, after all” Arietta said. “Just try, we’re here to help if anything goes wrong”, Bell said. Arietta took a deep breath and drank the potion. Suddenly, she felt light and bouncy, Arietta giggled, the feeling was amazing. “Alright, now make your way across the river very slowly” Bell ordered. Arietta flapped her wings slowly, making sure she didn’t go too fast. “Alright, good, good, you’re almost there, OH NO!” Spark screamed. “What? Nothings wrong!” Bell said cheerfully. “I just realized we made a sixty second potion, not three minutes!” Spark cried. Everyone groaned, “Don’t give up, there must be a way back home! I’m almost there!” Arietta encouraged. The birds and pixies looked at each other, Bell shrugged, “Come on! We got to have some hope!” Arietta said. “Maybe you could just try fly across without the potion, it’s already worn out, it’s not very far, just a few meters!” Hunt suggested. Arietta shook her head; she wasn’t going to risk getting her wings wet. “We could make another potion!” Bell said. “I don’t have enough fairy dust” Arietta complained. Everyone looked at Spark, and Spark shook her head. “We spend time on those potions, it’ll always cost something!” Spark said angrily. “Well, I guess I’ll be here for the rest of my life, I wonder who will fight those scary witches…” Arietta said, winking at Bell. Bell giggled, “Oh, I’m so scared now! Arietta is like the fairy princess, we can’t continue without her!” Bell said, winking back at Arietta. Hunt smiled, “Yes, and who will fight those scary witches? I suppose, YOU will, Spark?” Hunt asked. Everyone laughed. Spark blushed, “Well…” she started saying. “No no, I understand, you will just get eaten up by those witches, oh well, at least I’ll be safe here” Arietta said. Spark looked at Arietta, then looked at Bell, then Hunt. “Okay, you can have another potion for free” Spark said flatly. “Thank you SOOOO much! I really appreciate it!” Arietta exclaimed, “Ooh! A message from Zyper!” Arietta whipped out her phone.
Where ARE you?
I am stuck!
What?! The people are wondering where you are, need help?
No, it’s too dangerous, I’m at a big river and can’t get back home!
You must’ve passed the River of Courage, don’t worry about it, have faith and be brave, just fly across!
Really? I’ll try it! But I’m blaming you if it doesn’t work
Ha ha! Trust me, it’ll work. There are other rivers like this, River of Friendship, River of Knowledge, yeah.
Ok, cya!
Bye!

“Zyper says it’s the River of Courage, I have to be brave and just fly across apparently!” Arietta explained. “Who’s Zyper, your boyfriend?” Bell giggled. Arietta’s cheeks flushed a deep red. “It isn’t like that!” Arietta lied, even though she knew she had a HUGE crush on Zyper.
“Its okay to like someone, plus, who wouldn’t like YOU?!?” Spark said. “Anyway, that means we don’t have to make another potion, do you believe you can do it?” Bell said, trying to steer the conversation to something else. “If Zyper can do it, anyone can” Arietta said truthfully. It WAS true. Zyper was the most adventurous fairy in Fairy City. “Alright, I’m ready” Arietta said. Arietta laughed as she flew across the river swiftly, it felt so nice for the wind to touch face again.
“Well, that worked” Hunt said. Arietta was embarrassed; if maybe she listened to Hunt earlier she could be home much quicker! “Arietta! I was so worried about you! Thank goodness you’re okay!” Zyper let out a sigh of relief. “I was worried too! That was dangerous but in the end, with your help, I managed to feel brave and fly across easily!” Arietta exclaimed.

oceanview

Chapter 3 – The New Fairy and the Love Fiasco
Arietta looked around, WAIT! She saw a new fairy! “Zyper! Didn’t you spot the new fairy?!” Arietta cried. “Huh? Oh, yeah” Zyper replied. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” Arietta screamed. It was her job to greet every fairy that came to Fairy City! “Dunno, just didn’t feel like it” Zyper lied. It was really because to Zyper’s opinion, she was very attractive and had a crush on her, and he didn’t want to tell Arietta, cause he also had a crush on Arietta. Arietta looked at the new fairy, she was a pretty fairy and seemed to be getting along with everyone very well.

“Hello, everyone says you are the mayor, or fairy princess?” the new fairy said, raising her eyebrows. “Oh, ummm, no, I’m not, my name is Arietta, GUARDIAN of Fairy City” Arietta told her. “Oh, so you’re just the guardian?” the fairy asked. “The fairy seems quite rude!” Arietta thought. “Yes, what is your name?” Arietta asked. “Oh, my name’s Melody, I came from Pixie Village!” Melody said. “Hey, that fairy over there, Zyper, is it? You’ve got some competition. He seems to flirt a lot with me, but also talks a lot about you, he’s really funny and kind, stay away from him” Melody warned. Arietta gasped, Melody like Zyper as well? What was she going to do? Melody isn’t really nice, but she is very attractive! “I don’t care about you and your stupid fairy princess thing. I just want to be with Zyper.” Melody made it pretty clear she liked Zyper, almost as much as she does!

“Uh, Zyper? Can we... talk?” Arietta asked. “Uh, sure, I’ll be there in a minute, Melody wants to show me her pixie collection, its pretty cute” Zyper answered. “Oh, okay” Arietta said quietly. It wasn’t a very good thing to do, but Arietta spied on Melody and Zyper to see what they were doing. Zyper was laughing and was definitely flirting with Melody. He always looked at her like they were already a couple. Arietta seemed to have a sea of jealousy in her, she really liked Zyper and now she knows Zyper doesn’t like her back. “Alright, what’s up?” Zyper asked. “Do you like Melody?” Arietta asked. “Oh, uh, she, well, look, I liked you too but I thought you didn’t like me and Melody seemed to like me and she was kind and pretty…” Zyper explained. “But I DO like you, and Melody isn’t kind at all! She’s always so rude around me just because she knows I like you too!” Arietta cried. She really wanted to cry, this wasn’t fair to her, she loved helping the fairies, and THIS is what she gets in return? If Zyper was so love blinded like this, maybe she DIDN’T like him! “Oh, I thought you didn’t like me, so I started liking Melody instead!” Zyper said. “Oh yes, you made that VERY clear! Well, do you like ME better or HER better?” Arietta asked angrily. “I’ve always liked you better…” Zyper replied. “Well, too bad, Melody hates me and says to STAY AWAY from you! You know what? I don’t care. If you’re dumb enough to think Melody is kind, I’ll never like you!” Arietta shouted furiously. That’s when the bubble popped, Arietta burst into tears, she couldn’t help it, she just ran to her mushroom house without another word. Zyper flew after her, but Arietta was too fast. “What have I done?” Zyper thought to himself. All this time, Zyper thought he was doing the right thing! And was Arietta right about how Melody wasn’t kind but very rude? Zyper thought the only way to settle this, was to spy on Melody.

“I don’t care! I want my mushroom house to be BIGGER!” Melody cried. That’s when Zyper stepped into the scene. “Melody? Lets try to be fair, everyone’s houses are the same size, so what gives you the right to have a bigger house?” Zyper said. He was stunned, surely Arietta wasn’t right, Melody always seemed so nice! “Oh, right, I was just being stupid. I, uh, thought that my house was smaller than all the others, umm…” Melody lied. Zyper let out a sigh of relief. So Melody wasn’t rude! She just made a mistake, phew. But the next day, and the day after that, Zyper had to keep telling her off before she realized she ‘made a mistake’.

“What’s wrong, Arietta? Is something bothering you?” Daisy, Arietta’s friend asked. “Well, DUH! Is it not obvious?” Arietta said without looking at Daisy. “Oh, sorry, well, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Daisy asked, Arietta was never like this! “Its none of your business, Daisy, I would rather chat with someone else about the problem” Arietta replied. Daisy looked at Arietta, something was definitely wrong, and Daisy was determined to find out what it was.

oceanview

Chapter 4 – The Witches
When night fell on Fairy City, that’s when the witches came out. So that’s when Arietta comes out and does her job, but today, Arietta wasn’t in the mood for fighting witches. Daisy volunteered to help, Arietta wasn’t sure but she said yes anyway. She watched Daisy dodge their lightning bolts swiftly, just like her. Then she said a daylight spell Celestia, a daylight fairy taught her. All the witches except Griselda were scared of bright lights, so all the witches retreated, except the little Griselda, Everyone gasped. The daylight spell ALWAYS worked, what went wrong? Arietta was scared, so she bravely flew up to the tiny witch, Griselda was the youngest, but since she had experience as a fairy, she wasn’t like other witches. “I demand you to leave our city alone, young witch!” Arietta said bravely. “I mean no harm, Arietta!” Griselda replied. Arietta’s jaw dropped. How did the witch know her name? “I come here to warn you, the other witches are planning a full time attack tomorrow night, and a daylight spell wont work!” Griselda cried urgently. “Excuse me, but why are you helping us? You’re a witch” Daisy said. “Because I was cursed!” Griselda cried. Everyone gasped, a witch CURSED her? “Arietta, we can’t trust her! She’s a witch. I bet she just doesn’t want us to use the daylight spell so the other witches can defeat us,” Zyper said. “You’ve been warned!” Griselda said. “Who cares about what you think, Zyper? I trust this witch, and if you don’t, I don’t care!” Arietta told Zyper sternly. Zyper backed away. Arietta made it pretty clear she didn’t like Zyper anymore, and the fight just made it even worse! “Thank you for your help, Griselda. I appreciate it! We all do!” Arietta said. Griselda smiled. At least Arietta remembered her, she used to be very good friends with her! “May all the fairies be with you, I’ll also try my very best to lift the curse the witches put upon you!” Arietta said.

“Do you know her?” Zyper asked. “Of course I do, dummy! What does it look like? I just GUESSED the name?” Arietta replied angrily. “Oh, umm, no, its just that…” Zyper started. “What? What did it look like? I don’t get why you always ask these stupid questions!” Arietta said. “Whatever” Zyper said. Daisy knocked on Arietta’s door. “WHO IS IT?!” Arietta shouted. “It’s just me, Daisy!” Daisy replied. “GO AWAY!” Arietta yelled. Daisy burst into tears, but inside, she was certain to find out what was wrong with Arietta. “Oh, and YOU can leave to, Zyper! I want to drink some Gold Leaf tea in peace” Arietta said to Zyper. As Zyper went out the door, Arietta ran upstairs to her laptop, not even caring about the Gold Leaf tea. Arietta searched up ‘Pixie Village’ she needed to see this place for her own. If Melody was always so sophisticated, surely everyone else in the village was like that too!

Daisy was peering through Arietta’s window, just being able to see ‘Pixie Village’ entitled on her screen. She felt very guilty for spying on her friend, but she didn’t know anything else to do! “What are you doing? Ummm…….” A voice said behind her. “OH! UH, nothing. Just taking a look around!” Daisy said, finding the voice belonged to Zyper. “You know you shouldn’t spy, Daisy. How would Sunset feel about that?”
Tears pricked in Daisy’s eyes. “Don’t… mention… Sunset… again… she’s long gone” Daisy sniffed. She blinked back the tears, Sunset was a very VERY VEEEEERY close friend! They were friends since Daisy was a baby! They did everything together! But then one night, Arietta was off on her tour with a bunch of new fairies, and didn’t have time to fight the witches, so Sunset was caught by one… and was never seen again!

Meanwhile, Arietta was impressed by the way Pixie Village was made. All the trees were natural and the fairies never cut them down! The houses and buildings were all around flat lands and never interfered with the nature. Arietta booked a bird to fly over at 3:00pm sharp to Pixie Village. Maybe she’ll even invite Zyper, to show him he was wrong.

To be continue.....

洋八路

FEIPO 发表于 2016-4-14 22:01
请老师费心指导。谢谢！
小莉，11，YEAR 6

谢谢Peipo提交作文。


这个短文有点故事，不过时序不对，情节也欠完整。当然15分钟即使再厉害的人也不容易写出什么东西出来。说实话，我是很讨厌限时间写作的。写作本来就是让人放松愉悦的事情，如果搞得象打仗一样，为什么要写啊。。 不过，考试是不得已，虽然讨厌讨厌讨厌。。。



我改了一下，供参考。



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Vanilla

I used to live on a farm, it was so big! All the time I lay in bed thinking about it, recalling the heart-breaking moments of leaving the farm. The images of Vanilla, which was a gift pet pig Mum had bought for my 3rd birthday, ran through my mind like videos playing back.

‘”HURRY UP! Or you’ll be late!” yelled Dad, on that dreadful morning.

Since dawn I had been hugging my pet pig. How miserable to think Vanilla was going to die of hunger, alone!

But Dad, after seeing me lingering with it for hours, obviously lost patience and came toward me as if to drag me away with force.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I gave a final pat on Vanilla’s head and, snatching my suitcase, I ran to the door just in time for the garage door to close. Not daring to look back for one last look, I hopped in at the back of the car.

The car began to rumble, and we left the farm in which I grew up as a child.

“It’ll be alright honey,” Mum spoke softly and soothingly back to me. But I couldn’t stop the hot tears from rolling down my cheeks. All I had now was a little plastic toy we purchased for Vanilla, which I hugged against my chest as if it was the biggest treasure in the world.  

Then little to my awareness the car had parked along the side of the road and Dad in a very big and gruff voice was booming, “HOP OUT EVERYONE!”

In uttermost bewilderment we moved out, and perhaps not understanding why Dad had to be so angry, Mum lost her patience and in her usual way when in temper questioned Dad loudly what was wrong with him.

But the sulky-faced Dad paid her no heed, only kicking the tyre a number of times. It must be the tyre flattening out, I thought.

But it wasn’t, as obviously as we all could see. It was running out of petrol, as mumbled out by Dad this minute.

‘How stupid am I!’ Dad swore miserably, scratching hard his head, ‘Why could have I forgotten filling up the petrol!’

We couldn’t do anything but wait for the help from some passing vehicle. But there were few of them on the road. The very reason we had left our farm was because of an animal disease spreading around the whole countryside, which was also the cause I had to leave Vanilla behind. And we had been very late, probably being the last family leaving the area.

We stayed in the middle of nowhere more than two hours before Dad was able to stop a truck…

Later in the night, after we had settled in our new place, Mum explained to me why Dad during the day had not behaved himself. He was more than anyone else feeling bad at leaving the farm, she said, the farm he had built all by himself and worked day and night for almost twenty years.  

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FEIPO

谢谢老师帮助。因为写作考试只有15分钟时间啊！

洋八路

FEIPO 发表于 2016-4-19 18:07
谢谢老师帮助。因为写作考试只有15分钟时间啊！

这就是为什么这种考试基本上会扼杀人的创造力。。因为会使学生害怕写东西，讨厌写。。

这个同数学不一样。数学是要求准确的，死板的，有标准答案的，给一点时间限制可以考察学生的思维速度。而文学艺术这些，在放松状态下想象力才是最活跃的。。

也有例外，就是，曹植的七步诗，本是同根生，相煎何太急。。。

洋八路

oceanview 发表于 2016-4-15 13:14
Chapter 4 – The Witches
When night fell on Fairy City, that’s when the witches came out. So that’ ...

谢谢，Oceanview 提交作文。

这个小说文句流畅，用词灵活，看得出来作者有较强的描述现场的能力。

提高的地方：

-- 对话最好用分段的方式写。否则读者看起来有点乱，不知道谁说的，产生不必要的阅读障碍。
-- 对话写的不错，但稍显频繁。最好多添加一些‘静态的’心理和环境描写，有利于让读者渐入故事场景。
-- 人物感觉多了点，出场有点太快。能否把所有的人物列出来，作删减调整。尤其是主要人物作者头脑里必须先有一个清楚的形象和个性，这样在对话和描述的时候就可以强化他们在读者头脑中的具体形象。
-- 过河那段感觉不是很符合逻辑。过了一半，Arietta 在空中等待的时候有可能发生那么多事么？。。。她为什么没有办法让河流停止也没有解释清楚。

建议继续写下去。故事写完后，放一段时间不管它 - ’冷冻期‘。

然后，以读者的身份看自己写的东西，不断修改 -- 好的作品是需要反复修改的。

oceanview

洋八路 发表于 2016-5-2 11:03
谢谢，Oceanview 提交作文。

这个小说文句流畅，用词灵活，看得出来作者有较强的描述现场的能力。

太感谢了。我女儿写的，我的水平是没办法辅导她了。感谢您的宝贵时间和建议，受益匪浅。

洋八路

冒泡评论一下 -- 写作能力是一个人一生中非常重要的一项技能，希望各位家长不要只为了应付考试。到了中学大学作业大都是写，到了工作就更不用说了。写作是对大脑文字组织能力的考验;一个人如果能够把自己的思想和创意有效地清晰地表达出来，在现代社会中就会有明显的竞争优势。。。

Laura12345

感谢楼主。妈妈丢了手表的故事,里面错误还是不少，一本练习册里“when mum lost her wath",下面是完全没改动的，包括时态，单复数，大小写之类。目前kindy，还算不上文章，只是段落。

She look under the rocks. But she could not find her watch so she looked up the sky and there is a seagull. the seagull have the watch and she said nevermind and boght a new watch。

作为家长除了时态，大小写，单复数之外还可以从什么方向指导下呢。我和老公是认为写作是最重要的技能之一，暂时阶段只想，抓下写作，没精力全抓了。

洋八路

Laura12345 发表于 2016-9-4 11:08
感谢楼主。妈妈丢了手表的故事,里面错误还是不少，一本练习册里“when mum lost her wath",下面是完全没改 ...

谢谢，Laura12345，小文章创意不错，手表被海鸥叼走了。。。

改了一下：

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She searched it under the rocks but she could not find her watch. So she looked up in the sky and there was a seagull. The seagull had the watch.

‘Never mind,’ she said. ‘Let’s buy a new one.’
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小孩子这个阶段就是多看，多带他到图书馆，看什么都可以。。能写点就写，写不好很正常，关键是不要影响小孩的读写积极性。。。不要过分’讲究‘，还小呢。。

excellentcarol

洋八路 发表于 2016-9-5 14:15
谢谢，Laura12345，小文章创意不错，手表被海鸥叼走了。。。

改了一下：

何老师好，这里是小朋友二年级今晚刚写的文章，我感觉非常短，没有突出她自己定的主题。。。如果这个水平，naplan是不是也是个很低的band水平？ 请指点这里。

写作题目：
Imagine you are a person living in a different time period. It might be in the past or in the future. Write about your life. You can choose to write about one moment, one hour, one day, one year, or your whole life.

小朋友的文章 （从看题目构思到完成用了35分钟，她说想内容用了8分钟，是不是太长了？）：
Fun And Board Life (12 years after)----标题自己拟的
I was on a cruise with my best friends when I suddely fell back into the swimming pool. The water kept pushing me down. It was peculiar that no one else was in the water.

Then I heard a voice, "come out of there now", I heard Allie cry. I flipped and flapped and padded up. "Don't you want something to eat?" said Angus softly.

So we all walked to Waterfront and started getting food for dinner. Once our tummies were full, we walked back to our cabins. "Remember, tomorrow nigh will be the first night disco, " Allie reminded.

In the morning, we met at Marquree, watching a play all morning. So I was tired after.

at dinner we chatted about the next 2 weeks, "let's just be free, " we all agreed. " Only if you want to be with one of us. "

We were ready for the first night disco. We all danced until midnight and where we had macarons.

洋八路

excellentcarol 发表于 2017-9-24 19:12
何老师好，这里是小朋友二年级今晚刚写的文章，我感觉非常短，没有突出她自己定的主题。。。如果这个水平 ...

你好。

这个文章虽然通顺，但感觉已经‘离题‘了。

作文要求是想象一下，生活在过去或者将来的’另一个时间/时代‘的我。发生的事情应该同现在有很大的不一样。

作者虽然题目说是12年以后，可是内容一点都没有体现那个时候的’我‘。换句话就是说，这个故事更象是现在发生的。

而且，如果是将来，最好不用过去式。用现在时比较贴切。

A few tips on writing about future-me (in 12 years):

-- You may use a mobile (and the mobile will be very different). Please imagine what mobiles will be like in 12 years time. Function, features, etc.
-- Your friends are all 12 years older, which means they will have very different appearance. Describe those physical changes that will occur to teenagers.  
-- Your parents, the city, environment, transportation, school...

我对naplan怎么评分不是很清楚。小孩应该同自己比，慢慢地提高。。。

excellentcarol

洋八路 发表于 2017-9-26 17:59
你好。

这个文章虽然通顺，但感觉已经‘离题‘了。

非常感谢提点

boczqb

请老师帮忙点评下。谢谢老师帮助.

INNER AND OUTER BEAUTY
Year 6 Rachel

“Inner beauty and outer beauty are the same thing. If you don’t possess one, you don’t possess any.”
That was what I believe started this encounter with the eagle.
Once those words left my mouth, I was hurtling backwards at break-neck speed. It must have been around a minute until I started to slow down. It took another 30 seconds until I actually stopped.
A few minutes later, after I had finished being sick, I started to take in what was around me.
I realised with a pang that I was flying. Riding on an ugly eagle’s back. “Inner beauty and outer beauty are the same thing.” I remembered the words I said before this.
The eagle soared, up high, fast enough that if I lifted a finger, I would fall. Attempting to block out my surroundings, I pondered. I pondered about this eagle, and what it had to do with those words.
After about what seemed like a millennium, the eagle descended. The eagle flew into a cave, making me worried. ‘Where is it taking me?’ I wondered. ‘What is it doing, taking me here? Why-‘
The eagle’s sudden stop made my heart race. “Get off.” The eagle muttered, and his voice echoed around the interior of the cave.
I leaped off, finding myself surrounded by paintings. Paintings of…. dots.
“Welcome to the cave of the Wurundjeri people.” The eagle cawed, and continued. “You are here to discover inner beauty’s difference to outer beauty.” That sentence left me deep in thought.
I watched the eagle with fascination. It combined a few bits and bobs and put them into holes roughly scratched into the ground. It dipped a claw into the ‘paint’ and added dots, one by one. I was so intrigued, that I had watched the eagle do a whole dot painting of me, from the fist dot, to the last. “Wow,” I breathed. “That’s what inner beauty is like.”
“Inner beauty and outer beauty are two very different things. If you don’t possess one, you most likely possess the other.”

洋八路

boczqb 发表于 2018-7-4 16:40
请老师帮忙点评下。谢谢老师帮助.
INNER AND OUTER BEAUTY
Year 6 Rachel “Inner beauty and outer beauty ...

抱歉好久没上来... 这篇文章文句通顺，不过有点偏题，无关内容太多，最后关键内容写的很不清楚...读者不明白。

serina_ge

能请老师点评一下吗 五年级孩子随便写的https://www.booksie.com/585305-s ... wqlOrZWV7pFBZ71B.14

谢谢

洋八路

serina_ge 发表于 2019-3-28 10:54
能请老师点评一下吗 五年级孩子随便写的https://www.booksie.com/585305-snowmen-on-the-doorstep#wqlOrZWV ...

你好。。。因为无法拷贝原文，这里简单几点看法：

1. 文句描写这些不错，应该是高年级。
2. 时间有点含糊。。比如，第二段，woke up, 说明第一段是‘dream', 那后面又好像还是非现实的梦。。如果是梦中梦，要稍微写清楚一下。时间和地点是故事的基础，如果有一点含糊，读者就会‘迷路’。。
3. point of view 需要更加 focus 一点。。。比如，第一段，sign...是什么sign? 你写了，读者就想知道，可是，不说你为什么看不清楚sign，拖了几句才 交代..这个就是不够 focus。
4. 总体感觉文章有点’冗‘，需要吸引眼球的亮点。。

serina_ge

洋八路 发表于 2019-3-28 11:58
你好。。。因为无法拷贝原文，这里简单几点看法：

1. 文句描写这些不错，应该是高年级。

非常感谢