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本帖最后由 苹果酒 于 2019-10-24 14:15 编辑
虽然我们从来没领过什么奖，但也不耽误娃在家开心地写一个获奖女孩的故事。
修改意见是：
1）开头应该直接进礼堂，烘托热烈欢快气氛，不应该啰嗦进无关内容。（新想到的修改意见）
2) 小男孩在叫喊nightmare那里稍有误导，可能写成真的nightmare之神会更有意思？或者干脆删掉。
3) 最后结局虽然出人意料，但也没有写得特别清楚，需要继续改和大幅删减。
4） 另外rainbow chain标题在文章情节中的份额太少了，应该多一点，最好能做成一个motif. 虽然我也不知道怎么做出来。
5）不应该写一个大人惊吓小朋友的故事，即使是出于善意。 （新想到的修改意见2）
The Rainbow Chain
“Jess, you did it. Seriously. I can’t believe it. You won the first prize. We’re going to the ceremony. I appreciate your story of the Rainbow Chain.” Jessica’s mother, Mrs. Flora, nodded seriously, but then her tone changed. “Congratulations!”
Jessica’s heart was pounding as her mother said this. She’d entered the competition a month before. You were supposed to write something fantasy. She’d been through a whole lot before uploading it, and there she was, standing.
“They must have got it wrong.” She suggested, still feeling very shy. She looked at her sneakers. It wasn’t a bad thing, but she was afraid of those cameras pointing straight at her like laser beams. “I couldn’t have won, Mother.”
“Dear, I know they haven’t made a mistake.” came the squeaky reply from her father, Mr. Flora.
“Stop this chatter, let’s do that. We should be heading off to the ceremony! We obviously all want a good seat!” Mrs. Flora shushed them hurriedly, nodding towards Mr. Flora.
So Jessica jumped on the car and they drove along the way. They were all quite nervous, but Jessica the most. But they were silent. None of them said a word until half of the ride. Mrs. Flora interrupted, “We’re very proud. I assure you. And don’t be nervous, Jess.”
This made Jessica’s spirits rise.
Finally they arrived. The huge stadium was three times a football field. Chairs were aligned along the stage. The whole room were filled with noise. Everyone seemed like they’d been at the best party that could ever take place. The stage was round with one single microphone in the middle. It had wooden stairs leading up the stage, which looked from the time of Napoleon Bonaparte.
It was a bright place, with rainbow lights forming a chain making the room so bright most people had to squint. The rainbow lights seemed as if glitter was shooting out of them. There was also a dull grey light which lead to a fierce shadow.
Suddenly the lights were turned off. Instead a spotlight took place in the centre of the stage. After hearing eerie-sounding footsteps, a man came on the stage. He had the same shadow.
He was wearing black trousers. His black trousers seemed too small for him. He also had a red tie. He held a knife in his hands, covered with blacked. Then he cackled cruelly. With the knife, he pointed straight at Jessica, the sound of his laugh echoing in her ears.
“NIGHTMARE!” A little child shouted, covering his eyes. “HE’S A NIGHTMARE!”
The man pointed out his flat teeth and smirked, ignoring the boy, raising the knife to a point that made everyone shiver.
“Jessica, come up for your prize!” He shouted in a voice that made everyone gulp. He smirked again, this time snickering a little.
Jessica covered her eyes. She sniffed and shivered. But the man had a knife. Slumping, she trotted at a slow pace towards the stage. She was biting her lip the whole time, but with the lights off, no one noticed.
“Good. Now I’m ready.” He roared and placed the knife on top of Jessica’s head. “Thank you. I won’t be arrested just yet. I’ll be too smart for that after I do such an intelligent action! All I will take is your smart brain. Then I can win the prize, a rainbow chain! Ha! They will approve my story, not yours! Oh, I will be so rich when I sell it! Now be ready to die!”
Just as he was about to swing the knife on poor Jessica, he ‘heard’ a yell.
“No, evil man! Do not kill her. Her body is precious, is more than that rainbow chain. You will prove you are worthy enough to win another one. But if you kill her, you will win nothing. For she is more precious than the rainbow chain.” The yell repeated over and over again, and it seemed so strong.
“That’s how good her story is, guys. It gives us a big shock like you have now when you know that yell was from me and I’m not evil. Well anyway, I was pretending. But having a shock is good in a narrative, or any story like form. So Jessica, may you receive your rainbow chain!” The man smiled and took out his hand. “Isn’t that a great way to make your story interesting?”
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发表于 2019-10-24 10:00
