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楼主:洋八路

[全澳] 谈谈英文写作 (话题之十一(266楼)反射性(写作)思维 (Reflective Thinking) [复制链接]

发表于 2010-9-15 22:50 |显示全部楼层
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何老师, 我在 贴一篇儿子周末写的作文,  我觉得太短了。可是想想他也写了原因为什么喜欢。总之觉得内容不够丰富,也许我对2年级小朋友要求高了? 麻烦您点评一下吧 Year 2。谢谢。

Subject: what is favourite season and why

The four seasons of the year are summer, autumn, winter and spring.  They all have different features and different styles.  

My favourite season is summer because I can swim in the solar heated swimming pool.  Secondly I enjoy eating lots of rainbow icebream at the icecream shop in Castle Towers.  My beautiful strawberries are grown in the front garden.  In summer they are ripe so that I can collect the sweet fruit and eat them freshly.

Summer is also marvellous beause it has a very long holiday that starts from late December to late January.  It is also terrific that I will viist Beijing in China.  Lastly my grade finishes and I will move to the next grade.

This is why I like the boiling hot season, summer.

[ 本帖最后由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-15 21:51 编辑 ]
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发表于 2010-9-16 10:35 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-15 21:50 发表
何老师, 我在 贴一篇儿子周末写的作文,  我觉得太短了。可是想想他也写了原因为什么喜欢。总之觉得内容不够丰富,也许我对2年级小朋友要求高了? 麻烦您点评一下吧 Year 2。谢谢。

Subject: what is favourite season and ...


点评:

-- 写的很好,结构和层次很分明,同题目的要求很贴切,2年级的小孩很难得。
-- 小孩这个年级写作文,不要求“多”,最主要的是把意思能够表达清楚。一字一句不会含糊不清,这是非常重要的。至于内容,那是知识和想象力的问题,是随着小孩的成长不断加强的,不用担心。
-- 你现在就是叫他多写,一句表达一个明确的意思,不要反复。同样一个段落表达一个主题,不要反复交叉。



The four seasons of the year are summer, autumn, winter and spring.  They all have different features and different styles.  (excellent opening)

My favourite season is summer because I can swim in the solar heated swimming pool.  Secondly I enjoy eating lots of rainbow icebream at the icecream shop in Castle Towers.  My beautiful strawberries are grown in the front garden.  In summer they are ripe so that I can collect the sweet fruit and eat them freshly.

Summer is also marvellous beause it has a very long holiday that starts from late December to late January.  It is also terrific that I will viist Beijing in China (are you visiting Beijing in every summer? if yes, then it can be a reason being favourite, otherwise you need to indicate it is the long summary holiday that you can take the chance visiting Beijing).  Lastly my grade finishes and I will move to the next grade. (This reason is not quite to the point -- it is about your favourite season in general terms, not how you like this coming Summer)

This is why I like the boiling hot season, summer. (ending well)
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-16 12:53 |显示全部楼层
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二年級寫這麼多還算少呀,我女兒也二年級,估計她肯定不行。晚上問問她要不要也寫一篇,估計答案是:NO。

发表于 2010-9-16 14:01 |显示全部楼层
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谢谢何老师。他为什么会写年 升一级,因为,每年夏天都完成一个学年,升到新一学年,因为他是小不点,6月的。所以对每长大一点,都很兴奋。也是他为什么喜欢夏天的一个原因。这是他写这段后我问儿子,他告诉我的。这是夏天对他的意义。 我觉得还算得上一个原因,而且是我根本不可能想到的原因。觉得挺有意思的。

谢谢您。

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发表于 2010-9-16 22:54 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-16 13:01 发表
谢谢何老师。他为什么会写年 升一级,因为,每年夏天都完成一个学年,升到新一学年,因为他是小不点,6月的。所以对每长大一点,都很兴奋。也是他为什么喜欢夏天的一个原因。这是他写这段后我问儿子,他告诉我的。这是夏天对他的意 ...


哦,原来是这样。这肯定应该是一个原因了,而且是最重要最有想象力的原因。叫他可以写的更明白一点,这样这篇文章就真的与众不同了(就从良好变为优秀)。写作有自己独特的见解很难得的,这也是好作品和一般作品的区别。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-17 20:10 |显示全部楼层

请何老师给我儿子点评一下

此文章由 barry.wang1 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 barry.wang1 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
本来约好了明天上你家去聊聊,顺便拿点种子,可是明天晚上要去CITY吃饭,所以去不了了。我们下星期再上门拜访吧。
儿子昨天刚好写了一篇简短的有关一个问题的总结,请您在这里先帮他点评一下,英文方面我们真帮不了他。
谢谢了


Do I Have Free Will?

At first I thought I had no free will because I was refined to my house and cant do much of what I wanted because of my parents but then after asking my friends and  reading some articles about free will I got confused in whether we have free will or don’t.
I don’t really know if I have free will or not, as I can choose to do something but I get influenced into not doing it ,such as I want to play on the computer however my parents don’t and I end up not doing so, does that mean as I don’t have free will? Another example is that if ,you want to do something really extreme like sky diving but you end up not doing it because you were too sacred of the height, does that mean you don’t have free will as you were restraint by your fear of heights and didn’t complete what you choose to do or were do you have free will as chose not to do it? Everyone can choose to do something but would they really do it or just change their mind on the last second or get influenced by someone or something else.
The question ,do we have free will is hard to answer as mentioned above however anyone can choose to do something but there are things limiting your choice.
Therefore, in conclusion if i had to answer yes or no it would be yes ,we do have free will, I mean, I can choose to not do this 500 words response but if I don’t Mr Mansfield would give me a detention so I chose to do it ,doesn’t that mean we have free however things will alter your choices.
If I asked, does a slave have free will you would say no as he has to obey master , but he can choose whether or not to, but most likely he would do it as doesn’t want to be punished, therefore a slave does have free will.

By Barry Wang的

[ 本帖最后由 barry.wang1 于 2010-9-17 19:44 编辑 ]
錢總是賺不夠的,生命卻終有盡頭。
樹欲靜而風不止,子欲養而親不待。
常回家看看!!!!
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发表于 2010-9-17 23:32 |显示全部楼层
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真有这样的好事,可以面见何老师?何老师,我们也住在hills, 真的可以见您随便聊聊吗? 听我朋友说您是大忙人,可是又很平易近人。我们有机会吗?我是一个总是提前担忧的妈妈,也是因为儿子年龄比较小的原因吧,我的担心总是多一点。

[ 本帖最后由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-17 22:40 编辑 ]

发表于 2010-9-18 18:13 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 sarahliang 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 sarahliang 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
何老师,也请帮忙看一下我女儿写的一篇,我女儿现在是YEAR 2了。我帮忙提示了一些,但是句子都是她写的。但是老师的评语回来说“many of your sentences are a bit too simple and need more details to make them more complex." 我实在是是不知道怎么make them more complex.看来我自己的WRITNG 也不怎么样。

所以千万请何老师看一下。

He was a mean looking pirate. He had a black eye patch over his left eye, and he wrote a hat with a picture of a skull and crossbones.
这是老师给的开头。

His crew "Win it" was the most hardest working team ever- that's what he thought.

He owned a big,strong, shiny, new and brown ship that he got last week, He was very proud of it that he wanted to show off his ship. Also he was jealous about treasure so he said to his crew "Win it." "Yes sir." said the crew. Then suddenly a sailor shouted," wait! We forgot the treasure map!" "Off. We go to my bedroom and find one. Go and there are heaps!" said the pirate.

So they started to search for a treasure map in his ship bedroom where he stacked unused treasure maps. Finally, he found the perfect one. He announced " Oky. Doky. Time to sail."

It was a really hard trip. First they passed a really sunny place. After that they had to cope with very cloudy weather. Then suddenly heavy rain fell, he and his crew raced straight into the living room, snuggled to sleep. Finally when the sun came up, they found just the right island.

后面还有一页,我就先不打了。

发表于 2010-9-18 23:40 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 barry.wang1 于 2010-9-17 19:10 发表
本来约好了明天上你家去聊聊,顺便拿点种子,可是明天晚上要去CITY吃饭,所以去不了了。我们下星期再上门拜访吧。
儿子昨天刚好写了一篇简短的有关一个问题的总结,请您在这里先帮他点评一下,英文方面我们真帮不了他。
谢谢了 ...


点评:

-- 这篇议论文作者写的很有意思,还很有幽默感。
-- 作者一直在试图剖析有free will 还是没有,最后的结论是“说不清楚”,这也可以是一种结论,但作者没有清楚地表达出观点。导致读者无法明确作者的结论是什么。
-- 其实这句本来可以作为作者的观点:The question ,do we have free will is hard to answer. However anyone can choose to do something but there are things limiting your choice. 但被放在文章的中间,很容易被读者忽略,位置不太妥当。
-- 每个句子过于长,可以简洁点



Do I Have Free Will?

At first I thought I had no free will because I was refined (confined) to my house and cant do much of what I wanted because of my parents but then after asking my friends and  reading some articles about free will I got confused in whether we have free will or don’t.(a bit too long, better refine this sentence, put some punctuation).
I don’t really know if I have free will or not (is this your answer to the question?), as I can choose to do something but I get influenced into not doing it ,such as I want to play on the computer however my parents don’t and I end up not doing so, does that mean as I don’t have free will? Another example is that if ,you want to do something really extreme like sky diving but you end up not doing it because you were too sacred of the height, does that mean you don’t have free will as you were restraint by your fear of heights and didn’t complete what you choose to do or were do you have free will as chose not to do it? (sentence too long, make more concise expression) Everyone can choose to do something but would they really do it or just change their mind on the last second or get influenced by someone or something else.
The question ,do we have free will is hard to answer as mentioned above however anyone can choose to do something but there are things limiting your choice. (This statement is a valid proposition, you can bring to te first paragraph or in the en, then you can give your arguments to support this statement)
Therefore, in conclusion if i had to answer yes or no it would be yes ,we do have free will, I mean, I can choose to not do this 500 words response but if I don’t Mr Mansfield would give me a detention so I chose to do it ,doesn’t that mean we have free however things will alter your choices(this paragraph is very humorous, your reader likes this, although it should be part of your supporting arguments).
If I asked, does a slave have free will you would say no as he has to obey master , but he can choose whether or not to, but most likely he would do it as doesn’t want to be punished, therefore a slave does have free will. (The last paragraph is not supposed to argue any more, should just a type of conclusion, and re-state your opinion).
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-19 00:03 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 sarahliang 于 2010-9-18 17:13 发表
何老师,也请帮忙看一下我女儿写的一篇,我女儿现在是YEAR 2了。我帮忙提示了一些,但是句子都是她写的。但是老师的评语回来说“many of your sentences are a bit too simple and need more details to make them more co ...


点评:

-- 文章的结构很清楚,很有易读性,句子合理通顺。

-- 作者已经想了一个没找到地图的情节,但可以想象出更多的情节,尤其是在艰难的旅途中,缺乏惊险的故事,所以关键问题是想象力问题。这种文章就是要想出“故事”来。

注:对别人的评价,我不合适作评论。


He was a mean looking pirate. He had a black eye patch over his left eye, and he wrote a hat with a picture of a skull and crossbones.

His crew "Win it" was the most hardest (double superlative usage) working team ever- that's what he thought.

He owned a big,strong, shiny, new and brown ship that he got last week, He was very proud of it that he wanted to show off his ship. Also he was jealous about treasure so he said to his crew "Win it." "Yes sir." said the crew. Then suddenly a sailor shouted," wait! We forgot the treasure map!" "Off. We go to my bedroom and find one. Go and there are heaps!" said the pirate.

So they started to search for a treasure map in his ship bedroom where he stacked unused treasure maps. Finally, he found the perfect one. He announced " Oky. Doky. Time to sail."

It was a really hard trip. First they passed a really sunny place. After that they had to cope with very cloudy weather. Then suddenly heavy rain fell, he and his crew raced straight into the living room, snuggled to sleep (the author need to describe more in detail about the hardship of sailing -- hard trip?). Finally when the sun came up, they found just the right island. (sounds very easy trip. You are expected to make up some incidents along the trip.)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-9-24 16:03 编辑 ]
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-21 11:47 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 SMART1968 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 SMART1968 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-9-13 13:01 发表
谢谢何老师,等马女士作业改完后我贴出来对比一下,谢谢。

你好何老师,马女士的作业改完了我贴出来让大家看一下。
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发表于 2010-9-21 11:48 |显示全部楼层
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发表于 2010-9-21 11:49 |显示全部楼层
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