英文作文点评贴 -- 欢迎足友提交

mkids

洋八路 发表于 2016-1-11 22:30
谢谢mkids提交作文。

这个文章非常有诗意，写的很有韵味，我很喜欢。

謝謝老师!

奇思

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-23 13:13
八年级作文，⊙﹏⊙b汗，这么高年级写的还这么孩子气，麻烦老师点评一下。好像有个故事背景的，然后模仿故 ...

好喜欢这个！这是The Year it All Ended的同人文的感觉呀...而且质量还特别高，原著气息浓郁，语言模仿准确。
太有才了。

Hsc

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-23 14:13
八年级作文，⊙﹏⊙b汗，这么高年级写的还这么孩子气，麻烦老师点评一下。好像有个故事背景的，然后模仿故 ...

Beautiful writing!

洋八路

qj94 发表于 2016-3-21 20:16
year 1 的儿子打的weekly news，求指导。谢谢
My Favorite Book
My favorite book that I like to read wit ...

谢谢QJ94提交作文。一年级学生来说，这文章写的很通顺，连续几个Then写的很有童趣。

文章结束的有点突然，好像没有完。。。所以看下面，我添加几句，叫小孩看看，问他/她为什么要加一点，妥善结尾。

鼓励小孩多写，多表达。。

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My Favorite Book

My favorite book that I like to read with my family members is The Super Chef Contest. This book is fun and interesting. My favorite part is when Trap walked to the freezer and opened the door and said “no!” Then said “no” and then said “ops” and then said “help” and then said “ow!” Geronimo Stilton said “how do you feel?” Trap answered “you are so selfish”. Geronimo Stilton said “what”. There are many characters in the book, and I like all of them, and every time I saw anyone reading books I wish to go and recommend The Super Chef Contest!

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洋八路

hwll 发表于 2016-3-23 14:04
五年级作文，请老师帮忙点评下。
                                                             Bushfire ...

你好，hwll, 谢谢你提交作文。

这个故事字句通顺，对火的描述写的不错。不过在逻辑上读起来不够‘真实可信’。主要的问题是，爸爸和妈妈先跑，我一个小孩反而在后面，这可能吗？火灾挺严重的，因为，树都倒下来了。。

可以叫你小孩重新写一遍吗？叫他/她想象一个‘真实的‘森林火灾烧房子全家逃跑的故事。

问他/她一下，发生火灾时会怎么样呢？什么时间？你如何知道着火了？着火以后家里人的真实反映如何。。。。叫小孩开动想象力，写一个合理的故事，再帖出来。

谢谢

洋八路

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-23 14:13
八年级作文，⊙﹏⊙b汗，这么高年级写的还这么孩子气，麻烦老师点评一下。好像有个故事背景的，然后模仿故 ...

谢谢Seecloud提交作文。象其他几个网友说的，这封信写很好，文字朴实，情感自然流露。

如果一定要说改进，我个人觉得文字’感动人‘的地方还可以更’到位‘。现在的状态是读者刚有点‘想哭’，可又被提前终止的感觉。。


我就‘小心翼翼’的改了一点点，把fainted, 改为cried, 再加了一点点对beautiful burial place的描述。


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Dearest Minna,


How is everyone at home? Are you faring well? How is Nette, and little Ray? Don't you let Mama do too much. Remind her that she is older than she was. I am sorry that I am writing to you only now, Minna, and when this letter reaches you, it would be later still, and I would most likely be on the ship home. Now that I have reached Buire-Courcelles, Louis' resting place, I feel that this is the time, and place, to write to you.

As I had said, I have arrived at Buire-Courcelles, and I visited Louis' grave the day before yesterday. I came to Buire-Courcelles in such a mix of feelings, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had cried. In the space of a few weeks I was rustled out of my homeland, and landed on the other side of the world. Although they speak English in England, the place feels so different to Australia, and France is even more so. Despite all that, I found the place of Louis' burial was beautiful, with trees and flowers neatly arranged like in a garden. Louis would have been glad to know he was resting in such a wonderful place. On the breeze I told him all that happened since his death, even though his mortal body can not hear me, his heavenly soul will, and I am sure that he would like to know about everything.

You'll be glad to know that his grave is now adorned with your wattles, as well as wild flowers and poppies. Such a plain grave, but now, it is covered with symbols of our love, from all the way across the world. Louis would be glad to know that. Your wattles also gave me hope, Minna, for although they have been much battered by the journey, the flowers still stand golden, against the brown and white, and we shall too, and even though our journey was hard, we have survived.

You would have liked France, in the happier days before the war. Many of the towns are still in ruins, and many folk have lost their homes and livelihoods. I have only begun to realise how lucky we are, living in Australia, where war has only touched the edges of our lives, in newspapers, and reports that have travelled so far, and the boys that came home, the ones that scream in the middle of the night, and flinch at loud noises. But we shall not talk of such miserable things. It is a time for hope, a time for rebuilding our world.

I must leave you now for it is getting dark. I have been writing this letter for one whole day. Perhaps next time my letter would be shorter and easier to write, but today was such an emotional day, and I felt I must write down every detail, even though it took so long to unravel my thoughts. In a way, writing to you helped, as did the visit to Louis' grave. The journey filled the empty hole in my heart, and the seed of hope has begun to sprout once again.

With love,


Tiney Flynn

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qj94

洋八路 发表于 2016-3-26 21:10
谢谢QJ94提交作文。一年级学生来说，这文章写的很通顺，连续几个Then写的很有童趣。

文章结束的有点突然 ...

谢谢老师，评价很好。继续鼓励儿子多写

seecloud

洋八路 发表于 2016-3-26 22:23
谢谢Seecloud提交作文。象其他几个网友说的，这封信写很好，文字朴实，情感自然流露。

如果一定要说改进 ...

谢谢老师点评，可能我没有仔细看吧，觉得在写什么啊有点啰嗦。用的单词也比较simple.看起来这次是超水平发挥了，哈哈

也谢谢各位给的认可，让我又认真读了一遍，确实有点感觉。我给提了两点意见：一是有些句子太长，需要考虑分开，不要一直是逗号；第二点 “be glad to know that”用了两次，其中一处改一种表述方式感觉会更好些。不知道大家怎么看?

洋八路

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-29 19:24
谢谢老师点评，可能我没有仔细看吧，觉得在写什么啊有点啰嗦。用的单词也比较simple.看起来这次是超水平 ...

最好的文章是简单，平易近人。有些句子较长，用逗号，我感觉正是作者“动感情”的地方，流水一样，一下子止不住....是文章的精华部分... 全文我没感觉什么重复... 一两处也是“精华”... 因为真诚的东西是可以超越一点规矩的。。

SmithN

seecloud 发表于 2016-3-29 19:24
谢谢老师点评，可能我没有仔细看吧，觉得在写什么啊有点啰嗦。用的单词也比较simple.看起来这次是超水平 ...

+1 洋八路，没有感觉重复。也不认同是超水平发挥。要么这篇文字不是独立完成的，要么就是你的女儿在这种写作体裁上很有天分。这是一种高明的艺术天分，她应该很安静内向，又很聪明。

洋八路的关于更多描写性词句的建议很好。可以告诉你女儿有意识地去增加。但不要不自然，不可破坏文字的流畅和协调。

有的人/老师希望看到一些艰涩/高级的词汇。这个应该是根据文字的需要的。真要在这方面对这一篇文字提建议，那就是或许在进行一些描写的时候带几个拉丁语或拉丁词根的词汇，会显得更加细腻，更文学。或者，信结束时，来个法语的au revoir，很应景。但是，最重要的是这些都不重要，因为该篇文字很流畅，娓娓道来，已经很漂亮，再浓妆反为不佳。

FEIPO

请老师费心指导。谢谢！
小莉，11，YEAR 6

Creative Writing     15 minutes   20/3/2016

Vanilla

I used to live on a farm, it was so big!
I lay in bed thinking about it all the time thinking that one day I might be there again with my whole family this time.
‘”HURRY UP! Or you’ll be late!” yelled Dad. I quickly snatched my suitcase and ran to the door just in time for the garage door to close. I hopped in at the back of the car and left the farm that I grew up in as a child. I really did miss it especially my pet pig that I got for my 3rd birthday.’ Vanilla, that’s right Vanilla. I had named it, I remembered. Images of Vanilla ran through my mind like a machine as videos played back what they recorded in my mind as well.
‘“It’ll be alright honey,” Mum spoke softly and soothingly back to me.’ Tears had rolled down my cheek I remembered and I had hugged a toy of Vanilla against my chest as if it was the biggest treasure in the world. Next… I thought. ‘The car had parked along the side of the road and Dad in a very big and gruff voice complained “HOP OUT EVERYONE!” I thought that he was angry until Mum had lost her patients and asked what was wrong and that was until the car broke down that Dad was very angry. We couldn’t go back because the reason we had left was because of an animal disease spreading around the whole countryside and that was the cause that I had to leave Vanilla behind.’
I thought in my miseries of the night as I regretted all the time of leaving Vanilla to dye like that.
‘We really didn’t have much with us to the city, half because we couldn’t fit it all into the car and half because the car ran out of petrol and broke down on us.’ All I really had that was precious to me was really that photo of Vanilla and I. I had bent down to pat her while Vanilla was smelling the new born grass as spring made its way by, I thought.