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点评一下： · 想象力好，比如看到外面小孩玩耍，想到自己坐在教室，联想到笼中之鸟 o saw primary school kids playing in the sun, nowI know what it feels like to be a bird in a cage. o the starstwinkled like a million tiny diamonds. o at the same time like a group of birds flyingfree and raced to the playground. o he shouted and the window cracked. o at the speed of light. · 描述性词汇丰富 – 事物，感觉，观察，和动作 · 人物交代清楚，I, Holly, Raven, and the teacher主次分明 · 句子比较连贯 · 对话提高了现场感 · 需要改进： o 场景不够紧凑（时间地点太跳，缺乏或者偏离故事主线） o 以I开头的句子太多，结构比较单一。句子冗长，逗号太多，缺乏连接词。段落不明确，太散。 o 无题 – 必须有一个题目，否则文章不成一体 o Shout, grumble, gleefully单词重复多了点 o 对话部分太长，琐细，结构缺乏多样性 o 有不少不相关的、冗余的表述 看详细点评： The blazing sun shone over the entire school, I strokedmy silky long hair and opened my boring spelling textbook. ‘Page 44 please,.’’ Mr. Grumpybottom shouted across theroom. (How did ‘I’ respond or react to the teacher’s command?)I looked out of the window and saw primary school kids playing in the sun,now I know what it feelslike to be a bird in a cage. I stared dreamily into the clear blue sky with splashesof clouds, I wondered if my mother is up there. Happy, free and healthy, Iwished that I could be there too. My mother died from a heart attack, no one knows why butI can still remember how she died. The last words she said was ‘I know you’ll get a good grade and a successful future.’(better move the underlined sentences to firstparagraph, after – textbook ) ‘Briar, what is our third school norm?’ Mr. Grumpybottomshouted as he raised his eyebrow. ‘We respect each other’s ideas,’I grumbled grimly. ‘And were you following it? He said while raising his secondeyebrow. ‘Maybe, maybe not.’ I grumbled this time but feelingplayful. ‘To my office door!!!!!’ he shouted and the window cracked. I walked slowly to the big blue piece of wood and walked past my nemesis. ‘Epic fail!’ Raven whispered gleefully. Leaning on the cold hard block of wood, I held back tearsand glanced at Holly. I wished I could be her, because she always gets good grades. Holly isMr. grumpy bottom’s favorite little girl, no one likes that teacher, Holly saysthat he is the best teacher ever which is onehundred and ten percent not true!! I am not surebut she always looked lonely as if her only ever wish was to get a person whounderstands and care for her, a friend. (make the time sense consistent.) (please give more information about howlong ‘I’ was required to stay at the teacher’s office door as a penalty) Asdarkness fell, the stars twinkled like a million tiny diamonds. My eyelids felttoo heavy and eventually dropped. Ringgggggg!! I reappeared (reappeared? from where?) in afamiliar classroom with a teacher who told me that I got A+ on my leastfavorite subject, - spelling. (not clear – when did ‘I’ get the A+, after Holly’s help? Or... )WhenI gleefully got home, I saw my mother having trouble to breathe and herheartbeat slowed and stopped. ‘Noooooooooo!!’ I opened my eyes and flung upwith beads of sweat on my wet forehead. That wasn’t a dream, it was reality. I closed my eyes and began to cry uncontrollably, mymother actually died in the exact same way. I would do anything to see heragain, anything. (‘My mother’ has already died? Ordying? Is this relevant to the story?) ‘Ringgggggg!!!!’ recess bell went. (Thetime and place are not consistent, from home, now suddenly back to schoolagain) Twenty kids rushed out the door at the same time like a group ofbirds flying free and raced to the playground. I jumped on the slide and sliddown. I suddenly saw a piece of floor slowly open up to reveal a hole in the ground,I inched closer towards it, It looked a little small but enough for a person tofit in, the sound of flowing water caught my intention and I thought that itwould be okay to jump in. So without thinking twice, I jumped in. ‘What are you doing Holly?’ I asked with my feet dangling. (not enough details about what has happened, and how did Hollycome up to the scene.) ‘Saving your life!’ Holly said awkwardly. Holly was holding on a vine with one hand and holding myhand with the other. I closed my eyes and squeezed her hand, I felt beads ofsweat dip down my blood red cheeks, it sure did look like a big drop and Iimmediately looked up. I suddenly realized that we were slowly descending; thepiece of vine was getting thinner as Holly looked at me with her frightful eyesand it snapped! I felt the cool air ruffle my hair as I fell down into deadlydarkness at the speed of light. I swore I would never let go of Holly’shands. (better cross out this sentence, because itis more a distraction to the reader.) ‘Splash!!’ We landed in a pool of liquid. Slimy, red, stickyand gooey. (- good emphaticdescription.) ‘Briar! Help!’ Holly called out I quickly swam over and frantically tried to find Holly’sarm. (give more information about where Holly and ‘I’fell into and how Holly needed ‘my’ help, as both of them were in similar situation?)I finally found it, grabbed her by the arm and swam to shore. I tried to dry off but I had no towels, I managed shake someoff the water off but I was still wet. I stared at Holly in shock; she staredback at me scared. ‘Where are we?’ I asked hastily ‘Isn’t it oblivious?’ holly replied, she seemed so smart andbrainy ‘Easy for you to say, I don’t pay attention in class.’ ‘We are in the school sewers’ We began chatting like old friends, I told her all aboutmy dream and how bad I was at exams. She told me that she could help me withsome of my homework. I also told her about raven and how the floor opened upand how Raven was looking very suspicious. She asked me why I got in trouble in the morning and Isaid that it wasn’t my fault! (need transitionaldetails from ‘scared, shocked’ to chatting like old friends. How did the twohave the time and the mood to chat in the sewers?) Suddenly, I saw a figure in the distance. She was wearing asilk dress and her hair in a bun. Somehow she looked blue and unreal. ‘mother?Is that you’ I asked with hot tears in my clear blueeyes. I sprinted towards her; tears of joy flooded my face. Herhands were outstretched as if she’s waiting for a hug. ‘Briar, noooo!’ holly screamed at the top of her lungs. To my surprise, I ran through her and stopped a centimeteraway from a cliff. ‘Briar, behind you! Holly shouted even louder. A pair of rough hands grabbed me and I was pushed right offthe cliff and miraculously held on. I finally found the courage to look down and saw a bubblingmolten liquid, and I immediately remembered what it was despite that I hardlyever pay attention in class, lava. ‘Raven, why are you here?’ I asked with a combination ofsurprise and curiosity. ‘Ha-ha! How did you not know? Raven answered, she looked sohappy and gleeful and she couldn’t stop laughing. ‘You see, I was the one who opened the sewer trapdoor, and Iwas the one to create a phantom of your beloved dead mother.’ She laughedharder. ‘Why would you do this?’ I asked,now scared. ‘Ha ha,’ she didn’t reply. I saw Holly looking terrified and brave at the same time,she took a big run up and pushed Raven so she fell down into the molten liquid,I didn’t dare to look so I just closed my eyes. ‘Hold my hand.’ Holly said with a kind voice. She really had changed, she wasn’t the shy, scared Hollyanymore, and she was the brave and kind Holly that everyone likes. (cross this 'telling' piece out, to make the dialogue more compact. ) ‘How are we going to get back up?’ I asked ‘Remember the vine; I still have some with me. Holly saidmerrily. We found a rock and tied it to the vine and threw it up, itlanded on a ledge. One by one, we began our journey back into the school yard,sunlight leaked though the tiny door and we followed it and found our way backto school. ‘3:30, school’s finished’ Holly checked her watch. ‘Can you help me with this question, asked ten timestwenty-six? I asked ‘Two hundred and sixty.’ Holly answered. (unnecessary.) On the next day, I arrived at school feeling so happy. ‘Morning’ Holly cooed. Before school, holly helped me study for my spelling exam, Ifeel super confident now thanks to Holly. ‘Briar, A+’ Mr. Grumpybottom shouted as usual in his loudvoice. (When did it happen? ‘On the next day’?) I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Briar, the world’sworst speller got A+ on her spelling exam! That would’ve gotten headline news!! ‘Briar, I know you are very upset about your mother, but youhave to move on with life,’ Holly said kindly. (notnecessary to add ‘kindly’, as the kindness seems already incorporated in thedialogue itself.” ‘You’re right! And Iknow just how to start it. I said confidently. ‘How?’ Holly asked curiously. (‘how’ and ‘curiously’ are redundant.) ‘A question, will you be my friend forever?’ I asked Holly.
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長週末的Turimetta beach日出 (2012-10-1) andychan 
楼主:daniello
发表于 2014-12-21 22:43
