谈谈英文写作 （话题之十一（266楼）反射性(写作)思维 （Reflective Thinking）

lotus1993

何老师，
这个写作贴太棒了。谢谢！

我儿子喜欢英文写作，但俺只能看看热闹。他写得好不好俺看不出来，哪里需要改进俺更提不出来。这边的学校老师一般只给个分，连错别字都很少改。

请帮忙看看我儿子（八年级）的这篇作文：

Descriptive Writing

The black sleek craft glided effortlessly through the night sky above Sydney. It is majestic, silent and aerodynamic in every way. It glided through the night air like a shark's fin through water and it is almost invisible thanks to the black radar absorbent paint. The plane has two swept wings, a pointed nose which ascends to the cockpit. Just above it is the single engine it has leading to the rear of the plane, where it is flanked by two tail sections. Mounted in each swept wing were 130mm cannon and 11.7mm Gatling gun. On the underside of its wings, it usually carries four atomic missiles but this mission purely does not involve the destruction of several cities. In fact, it was here to take pictures of Sydney before the invasion, so there was an EXHD camera on each wing (EXHD stands for extra high definition). The pilot can also operate an extremely concentrated beam of red laser, capable of destroying almost anything.

The pilot looks out of the plan and sees a city in ruins. There are wrecks everywhere and there are more craters than the moon. The city is littered with dead bodies, twisted, blackened and charred with almost no chance of identification. DNA samples might work, but the amount of radiation in each body has severely mutated the DNA. The atomic bombing has done its work. On every street, there were wrecked houses. Occasionally, some of these houses where still standing, indication that it is a military bunker, and with that many houses wrecked, it wasn't hard to spot the ones still standing up. The houses are more and more destroyed as it leads towards the Harbor Bridge. Once renowned for being one of the most spectacular bridges in the world, it is now a platform with twisted metal lying everywhere, with two piles of dead bodies on either side with an isle of death in between. This was the fighting from a day before, with men with railguns, radiation spitters, chemical grenades and flamethrowers killing each other. The pilot could remember the hell that day. It was all over in minutes. There were people vaporizing each other with railguns, leaving nothing but ashes in their wake. There were people mutating other people with radiation spitters, causing them to develop random problems, such as extra arms, before killing them. There were the flamethrowers, burning people into cinders and last of all there were the chemical grenades. It explodes when detonated and a puff of greenish smoke immediately bursts out, infecting any uncovered skin. Once infected, you start coughing black blood and vomiting and your skin starts to fall out, turning blue as they leave your flesh, then after several painful seconds, you explode with black blood raining down on everyone. All sense of humanity is gone. Now, the pilot could see a new kind of threat emerging. Some of the mutated bodies have started moving and walking. Now the livings are screaming even more as the undead walked towards them, tearing them apart. The pilot hastily took a few pictures and flew away, not before strafing the undead and the living with bullets, saving them from a fate which was more like a nightmare. The ground was riddled with bullet holes, like Swiss cheese. The plan flew away from the city, its mission successful. However, in the pile of dead bodies that he had just strafed, a few hands are moving. The zombie plague is back.

洋八路

原帖由 judywang 于 2010-8-24 13:38 发表
My son doesn't like narration. He always says it is boring to write. He likes reading. But I can't see much improvement in his writing. What should I do?

We have to admit writing is very difficult if not the most, among the various means of communication in one's life. But as the English philosopher, Beacon Francis, put it, "Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man and writing an exact man", only writing makes a person to be "exact" or “complete" in the human society. When someone writes, he or she is contributing their knowledge to others in the social group. The information flow changes its direction from reading input to writing as an output.

Kids, as much as adults, don’t like writing because it is an exhaustive brain exercise. It needs accurate wording and depth of knowledge in the written area to avoid possible misinformation. But just like people can enjoy those mentally intensive activities such as math or chess playing, writing can still be of fun and interesting.

For your son to start, you need to firstly raise his interest. Why do people write? What exactly is writing? Why is writing important? Can writing also be of enough fun?

Once he has established right understanding and the much-needed writing interest, there are many ways to improve at the skill level.

洋八路

原帖由 lotus1993 于 2010-8-24 13:40 发表
何老师，
这个写作贴太棒了。谢谢！

我儿子喜欢英文写作，但俺只能看看热闹。他写得好不好俺看不出来，哪里需要改进俺更提不出来。这边的学校老师一般只给个分，连错别字都很少改。

请帮忙看看我儿子（八年级）的这篇作文：

Descr ...

谢谢，Lotus跟帖分享，以下是我的点评（注：只是我个人的感觉，仅供参考和大家讨论）：

        -- 单个句子里的描述还可以，但是全文的句型显得呆板了点（大都是用主谓宾的主动语句，比如，用, the pilot 和there are等开头的句子过多，显得重复，读者都起来比较闷。当然也有几个很好的句子。）
        -- 第一段写的清楚一些
        -- 第二段太乱：是原子弹爆炸？还是地面部队，还是生化武器？（飞机还向地面扫射）以及人体基因变种等等。一般原子弹都爆炸了，就不用子弹扫了。作者将全部能想到的作战手段和结果揉成一团，感觉不够“真实”，没有逻辑。最好就详细描写一种伤亡情形（原子弹轰炸后的描述），或者分段描述不同的武器所造成的结果。

Descriptive （描述）是为故事服务的，不存在纯粹的描述性作文，标题，事件的交待，和段落过渡还是需要的。作者对事件的发生基本没有交待。第一段说，飞机是在入侵前来悉尼上空拍照片的。那么，第二段的情形也是在这个时候看到的吗？还是，几天后入侵的结果？

作者可以先编一个合理的故事，然后将描述技巧充分体现在整个故事里。



Descriptive Writing

                                Title? (no title, or not pasted here?)

The black sleek craft glided effortlessly through the night sky above Sydney. It is majestic, silent and aerodynamic in every way. It glided through the night （repeat twice 开头重复了两次，显得不够活泼） air like a shark's fin through (too many throughs) water and it is almost invisible thanks to the black radar absorbent paint. The plane has two swept wings, a pointed nose which ascends to the cockpit. Just above it （what is “it” here?） is the single engine it has leading to the rear of the plane, where it is flanked by two tail sections. Mounted in each swept wing were 130mm cannon and 11.7mm Gatling gun. On the underside of its wings, it usually carries four atomic missiles but this mission purely does not involve the destruction of several cities. In fact, it was here to take pictures of Sydney before the invasion, so there was an EXHD (Extra High Definition) camera on each wing (EXHD stands for extra high definition). The pilot can also operate an extremely concentrated beam of red laser, capable of destroying almost anything.

Need at least one sentence for transition – such as tow days later. Or stamp a time of 6:00 AM August 24, 2010 as subheading.

The pilot looks out of the plan and sees a city in ruins. There are wrecks everywhere and there are more craters than the moon. The city is littered with dead bodies, twisted, blackened and charred with almost no chance of identification. DNA samples (sampling) might work, but the amount of radiation in each body has severely mutated the DNA. The atomic bombing has done its work. On every street, there were wrecked houses. Occasionally, some of these houses where still standing, indication (indicating) that it is a military bunker, and with that many houses wrecked, it wasn't hard to spot the ones still standing up (too many segments). The houses are more and more destroyed as it leads towards the Harbor Bridge. Once renowned for being one of the most spectacular bridges in the world, it is now a platform with twisted metal lying everywhere, with two piles of dead bodies on either side with an isle of death in between（this is a good sentence，should have been used more）. This was the fighting from a day before (a day before? More information needed), with men with railguns, radiation spitters, chemical grenades and flamethrowers killing each other(do you need these when there was an atomic bomb?). The pilot could remember the hell that day. It was all over in minutes. There were people vaporizing each other with railguns, leaving nothing but ashes (vaporize to liquid form, not ashes) in their wake. There were people mutating other people with radiation spitters, causing them to develop random problems, such as extra arms, before killing them. There were the flamethrowers, burning people into cinders and last of all there were the chemical grenades. It explodes when detonated and a puff of greenish smoke immediately bursts out, infecting any uncovered skin. Once infected, you start coughing black blood and vomiting and your skin starts to fall out, turning blue as they leave your flesh, then after several painful seconds, you explode with black blood raining down on everyone. All sense of humanity is gone. Now, the pilot could see a new kind of threat emerging. Some of the mutated bodies have started moving and walking. Now the livings are screaming even more as the undead walked towards them, tearing them apart. The pilot hastily took a few pictures and flew away, not before strafing the undead and the living with bullets, saving them from a fate which was more like a nightmare. The ground was riddled with bullet holes, like Swiss cheese. The plan flew away from the city, its mission successful. However, in the pile of dead bodies that he had just strafed, a few hands are moving. The zombie plague is back. (This big paragraph needs to reorganized into smaller parts or some parts to be removed)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-24 22:13 编辑 ]

lotus1993

谢谢何老师的点评.我觉得您说得特别有道理.
找个机会我向小子传达一下.
这个孩子下笔不愁,但写完了就扔一边了,从来不自己修改修改.
:)

judywang

谢谢楼主回帖。
我儿子今天写了一篇流水帐。但自认为写的很好 。我提了些意见，他很不屑。发到帖子上麻烦何老师指点指点。（儿子上Y4)

A factual recount
First time to ride an A380 flight

It was night. Mum, Dad and I were waiting anxiously to board the A380. We had gone to China and it was time to come back. We flew to Singapore and we were changing planes.

(Event 1) Several minutes after, we finally boarded the plane. There was a corridor which led us to the plane and them it split in three. One was first class, another one was bottom level and the last one was the top.

(Event 2) The plane was massive. It could carry more than 400 people at a time. The double engines looked small. Inside the plane were lots of chairs. But they all looked comfy and they were. There was a TV in front and it had lots of games.

(Event 3) Next we took off and flew normally. I played lots of games but I became tired and slept. When it was nearly morning the flight attendants called us up and delivered breakfast. It had some fruit, a bun, butter, jam and lots more. When it came to land, there was a loud thump and the plane bumped up and down. It came in all a sudden and it was pretty frightening. It felt like that you were bounced up and down. We successfully landed in Melbourne airport and we went home.

I memorized the bump very well and it was the first time I went on an A380 so it was very exciting.

洋八路

原帖由 judywang 于 2010-8-24 22:20 发表
谢谢楼主回帖。
我儿子今天写了一篇流水帐。但自认为写的很好 。我提了些意见，他很不屑。发到帖子上麻烦何老师指点指点。（儿子上Y4)

A factual recount
First time to ride an A380 flight

It was night. Mum, Dad ...

洋八路点评（注：不称何老师了，土气加俗气，还有傻气，实在不喜欢）

        初看起来，段落清楚，想看。这个很重要，有些作文瞄一眼就觉得累。
        标题好，层次分明，基本按时间发生顺序讲述，结尾也不错。
        第二段不是一个event。
        但是，全篇没有写出题目所暗示的主题，没有写A380的不同之处。读者读了会失望（题目是，first time on A380, not first time on the plane）.
-----

A factual recount
First time to ride an A380 flight

It was night. Mum, Dad and I were waiting anxiously （why anxiously? your reader wants to know）to board the A380 （need to indicate which airport）. We had gone to China (tense not right – eg: We have spent one month touring around China) and it was time to come back. We flew to Singapore and we were changing planes.

(Event 1) Several minutes after, we finally boarded the plane. There was a corridor which led us to the plane and them it split in three. One was first class, another one was bottom level and the last one was the top.

(Event 2) The plane was massive. It could carry more than 400 people at a time. The double engines looked small. Inside the plane were lots of chairs. But they all looked comfy and they were. There was a TV in front and it had lots of games. (this paragraph is not an actual event. It is a description, can be at first introduction, or together with an actual event.)

(Event 3) Next we took off and flew normally. I played lots of games but I became tired and slept. When it was nearly morning the flight attendants called us up and delivered breakfast. It had some fruit, a bun, butter, jam and lots more. When it came to land, there was a loud thump and the plane bumped up and down. It came in all a sudden and it was pretty frightening. It felt like that you were bounced up and down (this landing description is quite impressive). We successfully landed in Melbourne airport and we went home.

I memorized the bump very well and it was the first time I went on an A380 so it was very exciting (really? from what you just write above, it is just a normal flight, not very much special, except it has 400 seats. Is it big? Your reader doesn't know, you didn't give any comparison..).

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-25 23:23 编辑 ]

SMART1968

能请何老师讲评一下吗？老师说是抄来的，小福州说是自己写的，小福州很气以不肯去补习了。

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-25 12:59 编辑 ]

SMART1968

需要这老师评语也传上来吗？我真不知这老师怎样。

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-25 13:25 编辑 ]

Holly2010

老师根据什么说他是抄来的呢？

洋八路

这是一封信吗？如果是，应该有一个信的格式。还有这个题目是什么？象是战场家书？老师即使认为是抄的，也不能明说的。要找机会拐弯的传递信息。没有证据就更不可乱说了。你可以把评语贴上来看看，反正就是交流讨论的。

SMART1968

我把老师抨语传上来，小福州 一定要找叔叔阿姨抨理。

洋八路

看到评语了。可能那个老师认为写作内容同题目出入大，就是抄袭？题目是运动员获奖，写一封信。而写的内容是战场打仗死人的。。可能有走题了。

SMART1968

原帖由 洋八路 于 2010-8-25 13:29 发表
看到评语了。可能那个老师认为写作内容同题目出入大，就是抄袭？题目是运动员获奖，写一封信。而写的内容是战场打仗死人的。。可能有走题了。

那我可以给小福州解释了谢谢何老师

洋八路

我没感觉有抄的痕迹。 内容应该是小孩子写的啊。书上的东西那肯定是不一样的。

SMART1968

原帖由 洋八路 于 2010-8-25 13:33 发表
我没感觉有抄的痕迹。 内容应该是小孩子写的啊。书上的东西那肯定是不一样的。

我看着她写的，真没抄，所以我也搞不懂老师为什么说是抄的。

洋八路

原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-25 13:39 发表

我看着她写的，真没抄，所以我也搞不懂老师为什么说是抄的。

你可能要叫那个老师说个道歉，用笔写和嘴说都行。不要让小孩的心里留下这个心结。

SMART1968

题目可以自己选小福州选的是the war champion(personal letter)要求如下

SMART1968

小福州说一定要何老师评理，上次何老师评语他心服口服，我等你等了很久了。今天才看到你在线、

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-25 14:43 编辑 ]

洋八路

那这样就没有离题了。点评是，第一要注意信的格式。信内容的开头和结尾不是太明显，好象是直入主题。最后一段，learning magic, 同激烈的生死战场环境有些不协调。写给父亲的，也可以问一下家里的情况；其他的战场内容写很生动，除了最前面没有格式缺少空行分界外，下面几个段落都清楚。有几个字我看不太清楚。

judywang

原帖由 洋八路 于 2010-8-25 11:29 发表


洋八路点评（注：不称何老师了，土气加俗气，还有傻气，实在不喜欢）

        初看起来，锻炼清楚，想看。这个很重要，有些作文瞄一眼就觉得累。
        标题好，层次分明，基本按时间发生顺序讲述，结尾也不错。
        第二段不是一个 ...

谢谢点评！（老师 ）真是说到点子上了。给小子讨论讨论去。

sydney

牛人啊

sydney

请问我儿子刚从国内来现在一年级,英文就只会写100个单词,能说的单词也就300左右,还主要是名词,听说完全不行,我非常着急,请教我如何教他学英文,才能让他英文有个快速的提高,孩子很内向,不太说话,.所以学校我也不太指望了

洋八路

原帖由 sydney 于 2010-8-25 22:38 发表
请问我儿子刚从国内来现在一年级,英文就只会写100个单词,能说的单词也就300左右,还主要是名词,听说完全不行,我非常着急,请教我如何教他学英文,才能让他英文有个快速的提高,孩子很内向,不太说话,.所以学校我也不太指 ...

这种情况急不得，因为基本是缺省了本地学生的学前班(pre-school)和幼儿园（kindy）的听说环境。这两年的时间，虽然老师也没教什么，但是，整天同其他同学牙牙学语，基本语言听说思维得以建立。

刚移民过来的小孩，大脑的语言思维还基本是中文，只能有意识的帮助他们慢慢切换到英文环境。华人父母在家里大都讲中文，这又是一个明显的劣势。如果你们的英文还好的话，可以去图书馆借一些看图讲故事的书籍，每天同小孩一起念，促进听和说。如果能找到其他讲英文的小孩一起玩最好。另外，有些学校有专门针对第二语言的小孩，也可以问问学校老师（当然，大多数老师都是很会打马虎眼的，比如，没关系了，慢慢就好了）。

要找业余老师的话，要先克服小孩的抵触心里。注意, 英文不好，有时候会产生自暴自弃的心理。

一个小孩的故事，我移到单独的一个帖子。你可以参考。
http://www.oursteps.com.au/bbs/v ... &extra=page%3D1

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-27 17:10 编辑 ]

SMART1968

原帖由 洋八路 于 2010-8-25 13:52 发表

你可能要叫那个老师说个道歉，用笔写和嘴说都行。不要让小孩的心里留下这个心结。

谢谢何老师，那个老师已对小福州口头道歉了，小福州也认识到何老师指出的字要写端正，这个星期的字写的有进步了。

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-30 15:37 编辑 ]

jiangkitty

何老师， 我也贴一篇我儿子的作文，year2。麻烦你能给个评语吗？谢谢啦

Subject: What is your favourite fruit, how do you know when it is ripe and how do you like to eat it.

Mangoes are juicy fruits that are only sold at hte markets in summer.  The fruits are sweet but have black seeds in them.  They are shaped like a round oval and as smooth as a pillow.

Mangos are ripe when they are smooth but not hard because when you eat a hard mango, it can crush your teeth to pieces.  Secondly when you see black spots on them it emans that it is tipe too.  Thirdly it has to be sweet in the melon shaped fruit and hard in the outside.  Lastly when it is found and plump it is ripe.

Mangos are eaten in dfferent ways.  Mangos can be crushed into mango icecream.  I like going to cake shops to buy mango puddings.  Mango smoothies aremade at Easy way.  Mango jelly is sold at the freezing corner at Coles.  The best one I like is mango shakes because they let me feel cool in summer time when it is really hot.These are some of the sensational information about why I like the most sweetest mangoes in the whole entire universe!

洋八路

原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-4 22:02 发表
何老师， 我也贴一篇我儿子的作文，year2。麻烦你能给个评语吗？谢谢啦

Subject: What is your favourite fruit, how do you know when it is ripe and how do you like to eat it.

Mangoes are juicy fruits that are o ...

点评：

-- 段落写的清楚 -- 尤其是考虑了结束语。
-- 句型和语法用的很好。
-- 想象力不错，对芒果的描述中，有几个比喻用的很好。
-- 需要改进的地方：缺少文章的开头句子（作者直接描述芒果）；鉴别成熟与否的理由中，只有一个是可信的，其他三个不成立（这个只是知识问题，作者的列举还是很好的）；


Subject: What is your favourite fruit, how do you know when it is ripe and how do you like to eat it.

My favourite fruit is mango. （answer, what is your favourite fruit, as an opening..)Mangoes are juicy fruits that are only sold at the markets in summer.  The fruits are sweet but have black seeds in them.  They are shaped like a round oval and as smooth as a pillow (excellent description).

There are a number of ways to know when the mango is ripe (better adding this opening sentence for this paragraph).  Firstly, mangos are ripe when they are smooth but not hard (slightly soft) because when you eat a hard mango, it can crush your teeth to pieces (good imagination).  Secondly when you see black spots on them it means that it is ripe too (This should not be a sign of being ripe. Mangoes with black spots are rather unhealthy).  Thirdly it has to be sweet in the melon shaped fruit and hard in the outside (What do you mean sweet? Do you eat it to tell it is ripe or not? And can you explain “hard in the outside”?).  Lastly when it is found and plump it is ripe (this reason is incredible, being plump itself is not a reason being ripe.) (Note: there is another way to detect its ripeness, that is when you can smell the typical mango fragrance out of its skin.)

Mangos are eaten in different ways (very good starting sentences of this paragraph).  Mangos can be crushed into mango ice cream.  I like going to cake shops to buy mango puddings.  Mango smoothies are made at Easy way.  Mango jelly is sold at the freezing corner at Coles.  The best one I like is mango shakes because they let me feel cool in summer time when it is really hot. These are some of the sensational information about why I like the most sweetest (double superlative use) mangoes in the whole entire universe! (It is good you have an ending sentence here. However this sentence can be tailored to be a modest one such as：These are some of the reasons why I like mango the most among many fruits on Earth.)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-9-5 23:10 编辑 ]

SMART1968

何老师好，今天是小福州第一次写poetry，谢谢能帮他改一下吗。

SMART1968

Budgies
Budgies are small birds  
They are a type of parrot
I think they are cool
Thunderstorms
Big, grey
Roaring, raining, blasting
It is very dangerous
Rainstorms
Leopard
Big, slim, fast, cool
Running, climbing, pouncing
I think they are the best runners
Cheetah

SMART1968

另神童天才补习班的要求需要传上来吗？

jiangkitty

何老师，

谢谢您了。什么时候您在Hills开班呀，我们一定报名。我儿子二年级，可要等到四年级才能参加您的学校，时间有点久。