几则英语笑话

romanticlady

'Daddy, how was I born?'

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

romanticlady

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After  they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,  look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.


The  Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically  speaking, it tells me there are  millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically,  it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears  to be  approximately a quarter past three in the morning..  Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You  dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent'

romanticlady

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.  

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,

"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

romanticlady

The Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. ...
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'an get a haircut?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!

romanticlady

AUSTRALIAN POLICE ENTRANCE EXAMINATION

An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Police Force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all
look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you must take before
you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol,
and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim
extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.  "When can you start?"

romanticlady

AN ELDERLY ITALIAN, CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN

An elderly Italian gentleman who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,  went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,  you placed the two of you in great danger but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weaknesses of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed  forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
  I do have one more question."

"And what is that ? " asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over...?''

romanticlady

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM...AND HOW HE DID IT

Personally, I would have gave him the 'Smartass of the Year' Award...........................

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concretefloors are very hard to crack.

romanticlady

HUMOR IN THE COURT!

COURT  REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES !

These are  from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people  actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court  reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were  taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to  you that morning?
WITNESS:      He said, 'Where am  I, Cathy ?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset  you?
WITNESS:      My name is Susan  !
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What  gear were you in at the moment of the  impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and  Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just  lie  there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?
WITNESS:      July  18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS:      Every  year.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  How old is your son, the one living with  you?
WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I  can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with  you?
WITNESS:      Forty-five  years.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at  all?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what  ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I  forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you  forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't  know about it until the next  morning?
WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the  bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The  youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is  he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your  IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you  present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:       Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August  8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were  you doing at that time?
WITNESS:      Getting  laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had  three children , right?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were  boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY: Were there  any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I  need a different attorney. Can I get a
new  attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was  your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By  death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it  terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a  guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you  describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was  about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a  female?
WITNESS:      Unless the Circus was in  town I'm going with  male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance  here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your  attorney?
WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress  when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on  dead
people?
WITNESS:      All of them. The  live ones put up too much of a  fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  ALL your  responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go  to?
WITNESS:       Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you  recall the time that you examined the  body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around  8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the  time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I  finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you  qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:       Are you qualified to ask that  question?
______________________________________
And  last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check  for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: Did  you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for  breathing?
WITNESS:      No..
ATTORNEY: So,  then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the  autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY: How can  you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his  brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the  patient have still been alive,  nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible  that he could have been alive and practicing  law.

romanticlady

size=3]If you Can Laugh At Your Troubles, You Will Never Run Out Of Something To Laugh About...

  
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”


When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”



A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can't remember where I live!”



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

Banksy

mark, hui jia hao hao kan

天涯芳草

Good jokes

daniello

这里回复都要英文吗？

romanticlady

daniello 发表于 2013-4-15 21:17
这里回复都要英文吗？

不用的吧.

floodp

Mark first

melbourneyoung

看一下了先，多谢分享

jane0504

哈哈，才看到，真的很好看呢，楼主辛苦了！

Jcassar