谈谈英文写作 （话题之十一（266楼）反射性(写作)思维 （Reflective Thinking）

洋八路

如何提高学生的英文写作能力？

相信很多父母都为小孩的英文写作操心过。虽然OC考试目前没有英文写作一项，但是学校里的写作训练其实从 Year 3甚至更早就开始了。精英中学考核成绩总分的300分中，写作分数大约35分左右（综合考虑考试分和学校给分）；对比于GA 100分，数学 100分，和阅读65分的分数，单独写作一项只占总成绩的12%左右，算比较低了。

不过，从数学概率统计的角度来看，精英考试成绩的分布总是非常陡峭；换句话说，就是有非常多的学生集中在某一个特定分数点周围，很低和很高的分数相对很少。这样，一分之差就可能导致学生在精英申请的队列上差距甚远；比如，少一分，就可能被拉下100名，用“分分必争”来描述这场可怜小孩们所面对的第一场“人生竞技”不算过分。

因此，这点重要的“分分”就取着“力拨白位”的杠杆作用。显然，这个一分优势在GA、数学、阅读和写作四个单项中都可以想办法获得，这也是众多华人父母“不惜血本”“不远百里”送小孩补习的缘故。

不过，你补大家都补，水涨船高呢。这一分之差是变得越来越难以赚到了。就象目前的联邦大选，打来打去，到目前还是势均力敌。一对可怜男女，口干舌燥，苦思冥想，在哪里才可以赢得那个决定胜负的一分呢？

凡事呢，讲究一个投入产出。在我看来，就目前的情势，四个单项中写作分数最小，从以小拨大的道理来看，应该是写作这一项。不是么？因为小，就容易被人忽视；加上没有特别的黑白答案，很多老师父母们想抓也找不到一个舒服的“手柄”，总有使不上劲的感觉。于是，对于一分之争的战斗，这个“小高地”就颇具战略意义。

自今日起，我希望这个帖子能够为父母足友们提供一个学习交流的机会，好好研究一下攻打这个“小高地”的战术。其实，不管是小学生还是中大学生写作，研究生论文；或者是作家，剧作家，诗人，论坛贴友，时髦博客等等，都是一个“写”字，都应该具备共通的道理。因此，从这个角度看，这个小贴字，又有了“大”的意义了。

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2011-3-16 10:23 编辑 ]

洋八路

注：这个内容从我的另一个主题回复中移到这里。

-- about Creative Writing

Creative writing 是同professional & acedemic writing 相区别的。前者注重个人情感的自我表达，比如，诗歌，散文，小说，纪实性的也算；后者注重说服读者，更多的是让读者接受某个观点或者技能，比如论文，新闻等，目的性教强。虽然形式上，creative writing 没有特别的格式，相对自由，但是很注重的是有没有灵魂“soul”，只有当这个soul所宣泄的情感可以引起读者的共鸣的时候，我们就可以说，这个文章很有质量。Creative Writing 最重要的是有想象力，然后这个想象力能够被赋予一定的“涵义”，比如，美，爱，关心等这些人性内容。虽然是随想随想的感觉，但是思绪不能跳的太快，否则读者无法被带入意境，也就无法产生共鸣。

-- about selective school writing test

目前的精英作文考试主要是给学生一个写作的引子，比如一段陈述，一个问题，或者是一个画面。然后学生必须从中思考/想象出需要表达的内容。象“Meigui”的小孩，读很多课外书的，想象力丰富，要找到自己的思考和情绪点就比较容易。接下来更多的是如何把意思说的明白，这就是文字、论点组织的功底了。就20分钟的时间，所以平时的训练是很重要的。老师在改考卷的时候，虽然也有硬标准，也很有主观性，最最主要的是作文的“思想质量 -- quality of thinking”，是否有感觉。一般来说，如果不是自己写出来的东西，读者是容易感觉得到的。所以，用自己的文字来表达，哪怕词汇，文句没那么漂亮和华丽，也是可以得到高的分数，因为有灵魂是最重要的。这大概就是玫瑰的小孩可以得高分的缘故？

我是非常不赞同背范文的做法的，不能为了分数把小孩的创造力扼杀在孩提时代；再说这样做也不一定就能得到高分数，除非老师太笨了，看不出背诵记忆的痕迹。

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2011-1-16 10:55 编辑 ]

洋八路

注：本内容从另一个回帖处转移此次，适当修改。

在精英中学或者OC测试的英文写作给分，按重要程度，可以按照一下顺序：

1.        Relevance to the subject – No more, no less to the requirements or major points
2.        Paragraph Structure -- Are major points well structured and organized to support the whole subject?
3.        Sentence Structure -- Smooth and understandable?
4.        Vocabulary  -- Accurate usage/conveyance
5.        Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling – Obvious mistakes？

为方便理解（中文）

1.        主题相关性  -- 不多不少按要求写出主题/中心思想。
2.        段落结构  --  要点是否组织清晰？有无反复混乱？
3.        句子结构 --  流利还是晦涩难懂？
4.        词汇 --  是否准确表达思想
5.        语法/标点/拼写 – 是否有明显的错误？


目前，我的看法是，很多人（学生，家长和多数补习老师）将写作和阅读的训练方式混淆起来，缺乏针对性。比如，写作对词汇的要求是第四位，并不要求学生用太多复杂难懂的单词（而阅读和GA就要求有很多的词汇量），表达清楚准确更为重要。最主要的是主题相关性以及要点的组织结构，老师给分的时候基本按上面要素来考虑的。

由于主题相关性和段落要点非常重要，也被很多人忽视，现在就来看看一个案例。

--------
学生案例一：

My Special Day

Write a story about your special day. Tell and explain about three activities or events you did on that day.

Your writing will be judged:

        What you have to say
        How well you organize the way you write it
        How clearly and effectively you express yourself.

----------

注：这个学生是Year 5 的OC班学生。

Today I went to the school carnival. As I started to slowly walk into the bus, I chattered to my best friends behind me.
For minutes, we waited in the bus and talked to the excited classmates around us. Even I was so excited that I couldn’t wait for several minutes.
As soon as the bus stopped, we were instructed to quietly walk out and line up near the picnic area.
As I walked past the kind, bus driver, I thanked him politely while the others walked noisily past me. The kind-hearted teacher on duty encouraged me and I felt so pleased with myself.
Our class set up the mats at our house groups, and happily started playing card games.
As the fist event took place, many of the kindergarten children rushed up to the waiting area.
The event was organised by age groups from youngest to oldest.
Finally, the shot put was called. I made it into the finals and I excitedly dashed up to the shot –put area.
I scored five pint six metres and was extremely happly with the results.
As I finished the running events, I felt my heart beat quickly when I came first.
After the events, I went to the public canteen and bought sweets.
After five hours of extreme fun, it was time to g back to school.
I hoped that next year, we could have another exciting carnival..
----

点评：

相关性：

主题是， three activities or events on a special day, 但是，从这篇文章中你无法清楚的看到三个主题。从“For minutes, we waited in the bus and talked to the excited classmates around us” 。。。 up to . “The event was organised by age groups from youngest to oldest.”一大段没有必要，基本上可以去掉，放在那里，哪怕写的再好，也不会得什么分的。真正的activity 好象是从As the first event took placed 开始，从那以后，shot up and running, 以及前面的playing card games， 是不是three activities之一呢? 非常不清楚。

段落结构：

从这个文章中，体现出典型的小孩写作的通病。写前没有任何计划，写成“一团”，段落混乱不清，读者无法清楚地看到要点组织。Introduction, body parts and conclusion/wrap up， 组织混乱，一句成了一个段落。

下面是指导后学生修改后的文章：

My Special Day

By TTTT TT

June 5, 2010


My special day was at the school athletics carnival. My three events were the age race, high jump and long jump. My best event was the age race because it had much more action than the other two events.  -- Brief introduction referring to the subject.

As the first event, the age races, took place, many of the kindergarten children rushed up towards the waiting area. The age groups were organized by youngest to oldest which explains why the kindergartens rushed up first. After waiting for several minutes, my age was called. I had to overcome two other people who beat me in the cross country. Now, I have the chance to beat them. As I walked down the waiting area, I noticed how the fast people had to stay at the back. BANG! The gun fired as I dashed forward past my competitors. I tried to maintain my speed as I ran. The two people who beat me at the cross country started to gain speed but I had already crossed the finish line. I felt extremely proud of my self, presenting my 1st place ticket to the house captains. I know that I would make it into ZONE.  ---- first activity, rich detail.

After about an hour of chattering and playing with my close friends, the high-jump trial results were announced for whom made it into the carnival high-jump. As the loudspeaker went through all the people who made it in, I just heard my name as it went through the list. My close friends congratulated me as I walked up the high-jump area. The high-jump mats were big and thick. They almost looked like your bed mattress except with two layers not one. First the beam was set on one metre which was fairly high. As many failed the one metre jump, it was finally my turn. I took a great run-up and jump as high as I could and leaped over the beam! ‘I made it!’ I thought to myself as I jumped off the mattress. Unfortunately someone else, a close rival, had made it over the beam too! The rest all failed and had second attempts but still failed. As the other winners went, the judges put the beam to one point two metres! It was super high! As my rival made a dash to the beam, I shivered with fear on the thought if he made it. Fortunately, he didn’t make it which was a slight relief. As I made my jump to the beam, I accidentally tipped the beam with my foot as I leaped through! ‘I could have made it if I didn’t tip my foot’, I groaned after we were sent back.  -- second activity, lively description.

To me, the long jump was so easy! Since I run so fast on the run-up, I could jump longer! The announcer invited me to join the long-jump group which was expected. I knew I would make it into the long-jump since I jumped a long distance at the try-outs. As the winners made their way the long-jump, I was relieved to find out my rival didn’t make it into the long-jump. The teacher for long-jump instructed me to go first. As I made my way to the run-up pad, I heard a couple of people snarling to their friends about how I am going to jump a long distance. The teacher raised a signal as I ran as fast as the wind to the jumping spot. I made a gigantic leap and unexpectedly broke the school record! I could see the people stare at me with awe. The teacher announced with appreciation, four point five metres! New record! I happily told my friends as I ran to the picnic area. They glared at me with unbelief. Then I told them to look on the school newspaper.---- third activity, good wording and sentence.

That school carnival day was an absolute success! I finally beat the two other competitors and broke a new school record! I felt extremely happy at these two wonderful events and I hope to do even better next year! I enjoyed the long-jump event the best since I broke the record. I didn’t like the high-jump very much however, I was still satisfied. I hope next year would be an even more success for me!  -- Good conclusion/wrap up/looking forward..

---------------------

这篇文章里的词汇量并不复杂，也不夸张。最重要的是主题贴近，不重复，没有冗余，段落清楚。文字方面主要是要熟练和准确，不是要复杂晦涩。各位父母在指导小孩写作的时候可以记住这些要点。。


其实，写作也是交流的一种手段，并且在英语中是最难的，因为第一：要有自己的观点；第二：要合理组织自己的观点。最终的目的是要别人能从作者那里得到有用的信息，而不是简单的单词排列了。写作也是在今后的生活和工作中最可以显示实力的技能，老外很能说，但是绝大多数人写的很差。有句谚语：

“Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, writing an exact man”, by Roger Beacon. 充分说明这一点。

zuozuo

我女儿写的weekend， holiday等也经常没有重点，把morning tea啊，上厕所什么的都搬上去。

绿茶

这里小孩写作的想象力不是一般的丰富，经常飞地太远，回不来。
都不敢太多辅导孩子写作，怕把他束缚了。

缓缓

想知道议论文的协作技巧。MS这次精英没考。奖学金考试是否考过议论文？在补习班有类似辅导，但感觉我们还是不得要领

洋八路

原帖由 绿茶 于 2010-8-6 13:32 发表
这里小孩写作的想象力不是一般的丰富，经常飞地太远，回不来。
都不敢太多辅导孩子写作，怕把他束缚了。

小孩还小的时候，就是要鼓励他们多写，养成喜欢写的习惯就好了。等以后需要交流了，有将所想的内容告诉别人的需要时就要考虑写的技术问题。你想的很多，但如果无法好好的表达出来也就无法同别人有效的交流。辅导的对象是如何将想象力形成 IDEA 并传达给读者的技术和方法，并不是辅导想象力本身。小孩多看书、多观察会产生很多的想象力，辅导是无法束缚这种想象力的。俗话说，你可以让人闭嘴，但无法控制别人的思想自由，大概也是这个意思。

洋八路

原帖由 D妈妈 于 2010-8-6 17:05 发表
想知道议论文的协作技巧。MS这次精英没考。奖学金考试是否考过议论文？在补习班有类似辅导，但感觉我们还是不得要领

中小学生英文写作的文体大致有四种：Narrattion （叙述）, Description （描述）, Persuasive/Argument（议论和辩论） 和exposition （说明和解释）. 学生考试时一定要选对所要求的文体，否则就会不及格了 （当然有些写作引子没有要求特定文体的除外）。 不管奖学金考试有无考过议论文，它是一种中小学生的基本文体，是肯定要学的。

大家还记得我们在国内上语文课时学到的议论文的三要素吗？三要素就是， 论点，论据，论证。

议论文是用来表明自己的或者支持某种观点的，目的是去说服别人认同这个观点，风格上接近于professional writing 的大类（见本贴写作话题二）。所以文章中要清楚的表明你的观点和看法，如果议论文中，没有清楚地表明一个观点，那么，就不及格了。另外，要注意论点并不只指正确或者错误，也可以是一件事情的两面，比如补习有优缺点，这也是一种观点，可以分别说明为什么是好，为什么又是坏。

接下来，你就要摆事实，讲道路，旁征博引，用让人信服的的数据和或者众所周知的间接经验来支持你的论点，这就是要有充分的论据来support 你的argument.

论证的时候，有从正面证明，也可以反驳你的对立论点。在反驳对立论点时，也要清楚的陈述对立论点。负负得正，你把敌人的论点打败了，自然你的论点就站起来了。

水平高点的，你还可以用幽默，诙谐的修辞语句来capture attention and increase interest of readers. 比如，可以用反问句，比喻， 重复等强化你的说服力度。

其他的比如语言词汇、语法标点等同另外文体的要求都是一样的。

（注：其实这个主题的第一贴，我写的就是一个议论文，观点是，写作可以以小拨大的论点，足友见笑了。。。）。下面是一个议论文样本（从ICAS手册摘选）,不一定就很好，供参考。

------------------------
writing stimulus topic: Eucational standards have declined over the years.
-----

For many years now, the education of our youth has been slammed by employers. However, if they would just take the time to examine the education system properly, their minds could quickly be changed.  

Schools today are more hardworking and close-knit than ever before. In this day and age everyone is given a fair go. Combined classes or honours programs allow gifted students the chance to realise their full potential, whereas learning support programs give students with learning difficulties the extra support and encouragement that they need to reach the next level of their education. This has not only lead to better exam results, but also an increase in the capabilities students have in the areas of reading, writing and mathematics. Also, just because the cane is not used in schools any longer, this does not mean that discipline standards have taken a nose dive. Consequences like detention and internal suspension are more than enough to stop most prblem students. Employers must begin to realise that they are actually ending up with workers who are more skilled than ever. In fact, a lot of employers might even find themselvs with workers who have already been trained, thanks to schools who set up programs such as TAFE and traineeships.

Sure there is always going to be one bad apple in the barrel. However, if employers don't begin to see how much they are being given by school-leavers, they could end up losing it.

------------------------------


[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2011-2-22 11:16 编辑 ]

smiletolife

原帖由 D妈妈 于 2010-8-6 17:05 发表
想知道议论文的协作技巧。MS这次精英没考。奖学金考试是否考过议论文？在补习班有类似辅导，但感觉我们还是不得要领

今年的奖学金考试是都考了一篇议论文。

洋八路

有人PM我，说如何背单词，给他回复后，觉得或许对父母在教小孩背单词的时候有参考意义。。转贴在此。。
-----------------------------
请问何老师，关联法怎么解释，恕我不是很了解，可以举一个例子吗[/quote]
------
呵呵， 其实，所谓的关联法是我自己教学生时，想出来的土办法。就是可以用任何联想，将一个生词同其他熟悉的单词或者，形状，读音或者生词的一部分，产生联系。这样经过多次的联系，也就记住了。 比如， somber， 意思是忧郁的，那么，我就会启发学生说，“somebody is upset". ，虽然这个同somber没有直接的联系，但是，多几次联系，小孩一看，就明白它的意思。反正，如果你没有任何联系的话，哪怕你背很多很多遍，还是会忘记，因为，这个生词没有根。。。

注意，单词不是光背就可以记住的。。要有想象力的。比如，我可以确信，你听了我的, somebody is upset的解释后，你以后，对somber就基本明白意思了，。。 不然你试试。。

SMART1968

垦请何老师笑侃小福州作文

SMART1968

The hall seemed to quaver in front of my eyes. My nerves rattled as if in a call of doom. Anxious, I dared to step out. One step onwards- stop and rest- another step forwards – don’t panic. After a horrendous, horrendous pause, the crowd howled. I was in clear sight, but would I manage to talk?
It had all started on the day of the public speaking contest. Unfortunately one of our team was sick. Reluctantly, I agreed to take his place. No sooner had I done so when Panic crippled me like a poisonous snake. I was going to have to go on to stage. I would have to make a speech in front of the whole  school.
Reluctance means doom!
A small crowd gathered. Taunts, threats and suggestions overwhelmed me.                  
“Do ya have a mouth?”
“Get a life!”
“You have to try your best to win, dumbo!”
“Don’t be a baby!”
“Maybe I should pretend to faint,”
“Come on, it’s only a short speech…”
… and so it was –but it would be agonizingly long for me.

Terror clamped my mouth with its cold, razor sharp talons.
“Baby need his mummy?”it cackled from a bloodthirsty mouth.
My face paled; my eyes watered; my mouth fell slack. Thinking about the schools pride, I gasped a much needed breath of courage. With a dry mouth and wavering voice, I picked up the microphone. Arrows of unrest pierced my brain as I struggled to remember the first word. Fears battled like opposing armies. Blood rushed to my brain. I stared out, way out, way way out at the crowd getting more restless by the second. Bravely I made my decision. I had no choice.
I was a little way through my speech when I thought I heard someone laugh. I tried not to feel embarrassed. Almost forgot my speech – are you sure – do it now! Like a metal slowly heating, the blood rushed to my cheeks. It showed everyone what I actually felt-not much at first-but slowly it made me think of one thing: humiliation. Oh no! I had forgotten the words. I realized the only way was to work my way through the information. From a part of memory I didn’t know I had , I procured information on the topic . Soon I realized I remembered everything. After I uttered the final word I waited for the bell… maybe there might be more time… brriiiiiinnnngggg! The bell had struck! There ensued rapturous applause. I had done it!

SMART1968

标题是trembling talks

SMART1968

Ancient Egypt
The river Nile was crucial to the survival of the Egyptians in ancient times. It was the only source of water, food and transportation to help the Egyptians and their animals thrive.
Not only was it a magnificent site the Nile River provided the only water which was used for the whole population to drink. Living in the middle of a desert isn’t easy so there has to be a water supply nearby. The Nile was the perfect place because it allowed the Egyptians to access water and adapt to such harsh environments.
Travelling through the desert isn’t the easiest way to get from one place to another. That’s why the river was so important because it was a way to transport things from one place to another. The currents of the river travelled only in one direction which made life a lot easier for Egyptians because they didn’t need to know all the different ways the water travels in or the direction in which the wind was blowing. To make things better, to carry them back was a wing going in the opposite direction in which the water was flowing. The river was so shallow sometimes bits of the Nile’s bed would rise. This caused a great danger to the Egyptian and could cause damage to their source of transportation. Whenever this happen several people has to get out and lift the bout over the sand. If the water didn’t reach a high enough level and the bed’s were exposed that would have meant that there wasn’t enough water. Without enough water the crops mould have nothing to grow them with.
Crops were the Egyptians main source of food. Farming animals to eat and reproduce was also vital for their everyday intake of food. The river provided fertile silt from the floods to grow wonderful crops. If the river flooded too low the crops wouldn’t flourish as well as it normally would. So the pharaoh couldn’t take in as much tax as he normally would have. If some farmers were affected so badly they couldn’t pay their taxes they normally went into a phase of starvation until the next flooding season. Not only did the crops need the water but so did the animals. The farm animals were another necessary part of the Egyptians food source because they had to eat some source of meat.
Whenever the flooding season started all the Egyptians would move further inland, Closer to the heart of the desert. This was where the servants made stone statues they were constructing of the pharaoh, gods and goddesses. If they weren’t making statues they were constructing the pharaoh’s after life headquarters. Apart from making pyramids they also made temples where they would pray for the gods and hope they would bring luck and wealth to them. During this period of time the silt from the water would have settled in the ground. With the silt the Egyptians could provide food as gift to the pharaoh, gods and goddesses.
Keeping clean was also important because after a hard day at work the pharaoh and Egyptians would’ve been expecting to have a nice wash, to wash away all unnecessary odours from the day’s work. Without washing there would’ve been hygiene problems and health issues. Especially for the poorer people because they didn’t have a clean as place as the pharaoh’s living environment.
As well as having to serve the pharaoh and work hard they had to eat. All humans do and they needed lots of it because there was a lot to feed. The animals needed to eat, the children, the pharaoh, gods, goddesses and most importantly themselves. Without the food they wouldn’t have had enough energy to do the daily work necessary and the Egyptian would have crippled into nothing.
Without much knowledge on writing the Egyptians had scribes. These people were hired by rich people who could afford them. Scribes were used because they didn’t have a writing system then and didn’t have the knowledge to communicate with each other. On the banks of the Nile were reeds. These were dried then sewn together to use to make papyrus. It was then used to write in.

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-10 13:38 编辑 ]

ECLF408

洋八路

这个小福州好厉害，看起来象是 year 5, 6小孩写的文章。先评一下第一篇

点评如下：

        --  词汇丰富，作者非常善于使用比喻的方法来描述自己的感觉和情景。
        --  整体上文章显得活泼，不呆板。
        --  可以改进的地方：情景过渡，事件交代，和其他用词细节上。

具体的评论如下（红色）：


Trembling talks (Speech 比talks贴切)

The hall seemed to quaver in front of my eyes. My nerves rattled as if in a call of doom. Anxiously, I dared to step out. One step onwards- stop and rest- another step (stop and rest?)  forwards – don’t panic.（上面两个句子缺乏逻辑联系 – 大厅在眼前晃动时，作者在哪里？是叫了作者的名字之后，才走到stage?– 可以说明清楚一点）, After a horrendous, horrendous （two same words, better only use one or use different adjective） pause （比如可以用: After a momentary period of horrendous  silence）, the crowd howled. I was in clear sight, but would I manage to talk (speak)?

(下面作者交待情节)
It had all started on the day of the public speaking contest. Unfortunately one of our team was sick. Reluctantly, I agreed （reluctant and agree 有点矛盾，可以只用 I reluctantly took his place.）to take his place. (这里，one of our team, take his place, 不清楚，是小组演讲还是个人演讲？) No sooner had I done so when Ppanic crippled me like a poisonous snake（这个很好！）. I was going to have to go on to stage. I would have to （这里两个have to 可以改进一下） make a speech in front of the whole  school.
Reluctance（Cowardness?）means doom!
A small crowd gathered. Taunts, threats （用词不妥） and suggestions overwhelmed me.(这个句子可以移到下面作为过渡句)                  
“Do ya have a mouth?”
“Get a life!”
“You have to try your best to win, dumbo!”
“Don’t be a baby!”
“Maybe I should pretend to faint,”
“Come on, it’s only a short speech…”
… and so it was –but it would be agonizingly long for me.

Terror clamped my mouth with its cold, razor sharp talons. （这句是否去掉或者放在下面？）
“Baby need his mummy?”it cackled from a bloodthirsty mouth.

（这里好像是交待情节完成，可是缺少回到现场的过渡句子：可以用上面的，Through the whole morning, taunts, jeering and encouraging have overwhelmed me, until the final stage. .）

With a vast spread of eyes gazing at me,(可以加这样的一句，让读者回到演讲现场) my face paled; my eyes watered; my mouth fell slack. Thinking about the schools pride （can you think pride at this moment? 有点象我们小时侯的作文，在救人的时候要想到党和人民。。）, I gasped a much needed breath of courage. With a dry mouth and wavering voice, I picked up the microphone. Arrows of unrest pierced my brain as I struggled to remember the first word. Fears battled like opposing armies. Blood rushed to my brain （不妥，你无法feel the blood  rushed to brain, 注意要描写人可以感觉的东西），. I stared out, way out, way way out at the crowd getting more restless by the second. Bravely I made my decision （这句不妥。第一，你在紧张的现场，不是平常作决定的概念）。I had no choice.

这里需要过渡一下。I was a little way through my speech when I thought I heard someone laugh. I tried not to feel embarrassed. Almost forgot my speech – are you sure – do it now! Like a metal slowly heating, the blood rushed to my cheeks （这个句子初看起来很好，但有缺点，blood rush to my cheeks, 不是正常的感觉，是想象的。）. It showed everyone what I actually felt-not much at first-but slowly it made me think of one thing: humiliation. Oh no! I had forgotten the words. I realized the only way was to work my way through the information. From a part of memory I didn’t know I had , I procured information on the topic . Soon I realized I remembered everything （这句可以改进，remember, 演讲是背诵吗？）. After I uttered the final word I waited for the bell… maybe there might be more time… brriiiiiinnnngggg! The bell had struck! There ensued rapturous applause. I had done it! （ending is appropriate.）

--------------

descriptive writing 的要点是，想办法让读者的思路跟着你走，想你所想，感觉你所感觉，害怕你所害怕，看你所看，听你所听，总之只有充分描绘五官的切身体会，才能让读者通过作者的文字调动起自己的五官，从而身临其境，产生共鸣。因此，除了能让人想象的生动文字描述以外，逻辑性和时间的顺序也是很重要的，如果处理不好，读者就很难找“入境”口，即使找到了，也容易被作者“唤醒”回到现实，从而无法做梦。。如果梦没了，陶醉、感动和眼泪从何而来？

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-11 09:32 编辑 ]

水姜花

何老师，我儿子写文章的时候总是要跑题，怎样才能不跑题呢？

洋八路

原帖由 水姜花 于 2010-8-10 23:07 发表
何老师，我儿子写文章的时候总是要跑题，怎样才能不跑题呢？

老是跑题？跑了就要把他拉回来啊。不能让他跑得越来越远，毕竟写作是为了有效交流的。跑题在写作评分时扣分是最严重的，因为读者想看的东西，你没写出来，反而浪费了别人的时间。

你可以用红笔在跑题的部分划上很大的记号，告诉他，如果确实舍不下这个内容，可以专门写另外一篇文章来介绍这个红色的部分。

你可以把他跑题的作文例子，贴上来，让大家看看他是跑了50步呢，还是100步..

洋八路

原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-10 13:37 发表
Ancient Egypt
The river Nile was crucial to the survival of the Egyptians in ancient times. It was the only source of water, food and transportation to help the Egyptians and their animals thrive.
No ...

点评一下：
这一篇是说明文（Exposition Writing），总体上感觉没有上一篇好（如果上一篇是15/20分的话，这一篇是10/20）。因为，开头段不贴主题，读者无法明白这篇文章是关于一河还是古埃及），没有结尾，内容组织也不理想。不贴主题和要点不清的话，分数就比较低。

当然，作者文字还是比较通顺，虽然有点冗长反复。

注：这个评语不要同小福州说，对小孩只说好的和需要改进的。不用负面评语。。

------------------------------------
Ancient Egypt
The river Nile was crucial to the survival of the Egyptians in ancient times. It was the only source of water, food and transportation (source of food and transportation? -- ) to help the Egyptians and their animals thrive.
Not only was it a magnificent site the Nile River (also? ) provided the only water which was used for the whole population to drink (just to drink? Or delete this to drink ). Living in the middle of a desert isn’t easy so there has to be a water supply nearby. The Nile was the perfect place because it allowed the Egyptians to access water and adapt to such harsh environments. (这个开头段落同题目 Ancient Egypt不符合，更适合， Nile River in Egypt 的主题， 是about Egypt, 还是 About River?, as the type of Exposition Writing, the introduction should reflect what you are about to talk about, and River should be just a significant element in the Egypt introduction, not all)

Travelling through the desert isn’t the easiest way to get from one place to another (Easiest?). That’s why the river was so important because it was a way to transport things from one place to another (too many times). The currents of the river travelled only in one direction which made life a lot easier for Egyptians because they didn’t need to know all the different ways the water travels in or the direction in which the wind was blowing. To make things better, to carry them back was a wing going in the opposite direction in which the water was flowing. The river was so shallow sometimes bits of the Nile’s bed would rise. This caused a great danger to the Egyptian and could cause damage to their source of transportation (what source of transportation?). Whenever this happen several people has to get out and lift the bout over the sand. If the water didn’t reach a high enough level and the bed’s were exposed that would have meant that there wasn’t enough water. Without enough water the crops mould have nothing to grow them with.  (This paragraph is still about the river.)

Crops were the Egyptians main source of food. Farming animals to eat and reproduce was also vital for their everyday intake of food（rewrite this one）. The river provided fertile silt from the floods to grow wonderful crops. If the river flooded too low the crops wouldn’t flourish as well as it normally would. So the pharaoh (need to explain the word -- Egyptian king) couldn’t take in as much tax as he normally would have. If some farmers were affected so badly they couldn’t pay their taxes they normally went into a phase of starvation until the next flooding season. Not only did the crops need the water but so did the animals (this sentence can be removed, as you are not supposed to talk about water in this paragraph any more). The farm animals were another necessary part of the Egyptians food source because they had to eat some source of meat (not clear, rewrite.).

Whenever the flooding season started all the Egyptians would move further inland, Closer to the heart of the desert. This was where the servants made stone statues they were constructing of the pharaoh, gods and goddesses. If they weren’t making statues they were constructing the pharaoh’s after life headquarters. Apart from making pyramids they also made temples where they would pray for the gods and hope they would bring luck and wealth to them. During this period of time the silt from the water would have settled in the ground. With the silt the Egyptians could provide food as gift to the pharaoh, gods and goddesses.(what kind of food? Crops or ?)

Keeping clean was also important because after a hard day at work the pharaoh and Egyptians would’ve been expecting to have a nice wash, to wash away all unnecessary odours (are there any necessary odours?) from the day’s work. Without washing there would’ve been hygiene problems and health issues. Especially for the poorer people because they didn’t have a clean as place as the pharaoh’s living environment. (still about water?)

As well as having to serve the pharaoh and work hard they had to eat. All humans do and they needed lots of it because there was a lot to feed (not clear, what is “it” and “a lot” here?). The animals needed to eat, the children, the pharaoh, gods, goddesses and most importantly themselves (eat what?). Without the food they wouldn’t have had enough energy to do the daily work necessary and the Egyptian would have crippled into nothing. (This paragraph is very much irrelevant. Crops are already dealt with in the paragraph above. What is the main purpose of this paragraph? Is it about other types of food? If so, should be more specific.)

Without much knowledge on writing the Egyptians had scribes (need to inform more to the reader what scribe is). These people were hired by rich people who could afford them. Scribes were used because they (who is “they”) didn’t have a writing system then and didn’t have the knowledge how to communicate with each other. On the banks of the Nile were reeds. These were dried then sewn together to use to make papyrus. It was then used to write in.

Where is the ending?

-----------------

同叙述文（Descriptive Writing)不同，说明文属于professional writing， 是要向读者传授知识和技能的。组织结构要简洁明了，不象Creative Writing 那么自由松散。因为说明文以“功利有用”为目的，没有太多的想象虚构的空间。

SMART1968

多谢何老师的指点，受益很深。谢谢！

洋八路

如何使小孩的Descriptive Writing 与众不同？

在描述人或物的时候，关键是要写出其特点。很多小孩在写描述文的时候，写的很泛，没有重点。之所以如此，主要是缺乏想象力，无法与众不同。

那么如何才能找出人或物的不同之处，挖掘其独特性呢？当然还是要靠想象力，也就是大脑的联想能力。从一个图画，一个陈述，联想到其他的事和物，从而产生类比，便可以丰富写作题材。如果能够进一步从中附以爱，人性，友谊，自然，环境等涵义，这就写出了文章的最高境界了。

联想能力和想象力的提高靠老师补习是补不来的。老师只能给你一些技巧和一些简单提示。如果学生没有想象力的话，就象泉水没有源头，创作没有灵感，头脑会一片空白，就是有强大的词汇量和表达能力，也无济于事。

除了鼓励小孩仔细观察生活中的人、事和物这些直接经验以外，想象力也可以通过大量阅读间接获得别人经验的方式得以丰富。在技术上，父母可以用DD方法促进小孩的观察领悟能力。这个DD法是我在平常协助触发小孩想象力时所使用的方法。第一个D指Difference。指的是，要小孩找出不同点，不断地自问哪些地方同一般的不同，比如这只猫同别的的猫有那些不同呢？这个人同其他人有什么不同；第二个D是指Detailing， 是告诉小孩在找到一到两个印象最深刻的不同点之后，再从细节上，详细地对这个不同点进行表述、说明和类比，深度描绘这些不同的地方。一般来说，要写的不同点不要超过三个，因为多于三个，在考试时不但时间不够，读者的印象也会淡化。有时候只要抓住一个亮点，深度挖掘也可以写出一篇很有创造性的文章。

--------------------------------
我最近写了一篇描写我家的猫（叫Mimi ,我在宠物版里也有一篇中文文章和照片）的Descriptive Writing的小文, 贴在这里，供大家讨论。

My Cat Mimi

Mimi is about one year old. Compared with most other cats of similar age, she is slim and slender, which makes her appear more agile and elegant. The fur colour of her mouth, neck and paws are snow white while other parts are primarily grey with strips of mixed yellow and black.

She has a pair of pearl like, round and shrewd eyes with golden crystal reflection. Her triangular ears are stiffly up-pointing and remain constantly vigilant. If you look at her quietly and motionlessly, she would stare at you with exact standstill patience. Should you have any slight intention of moving forward, she would flee instantly from the spot.

And most identifiably, there is a tiny needle-size grey dot, right in the middle of her pink nose on the front. Unlike the typical red dot on some Indian women’s forehead, which is deliberately decorated on, Mimi’s much smaller mark was actually caused by a shallow scratch when playing with other cats.

………

Holly2010

请问何老师：如果让小孩读其他写得好的小朋友的作文，对孩子的写作有没有帮助呢？

洋八路

原帖由 Holly2010 于 2010-8-17 09:29 发表
请问何老师：如果让小孩读其他写得好的小朋友的作文，对孩子的写作有没有帮助呢？

Holly, 答案是肯定的。

小孩可以参考阅读别的小孩的文章，写的好的和写的差的都可以参考。重要的是不要试图模仿别人的作品或者其他任何作品，这就要父母给这些好坏文章进行仔细点评。好在哪里，不好在哪里，哪里可以改进等等，同小孩进行交流。因为都是同年级小孩的作品，反而会引起小孩的兴趣。

注意，想象力是无法复制的，这是小孩最重要的“灵性”，要想办法去培养和丰富，千万不要试图通过“拷贝”的办法获得。所以，在参考别人的作品的时候，要充分给小孩说明这一点。别人想到了这个，你还可以有很多很多别的联想，经历越丰富，联想就可以越多。

在未来的时代，想象力和创造性就是一切。。那些单词和数字记忆都可以通过技术来替代，但灵感不行。。

明河素月

请教何老师，这是我儿子前不久完成的作业，老师给的评价就是VERY GOOD，没有任何别的评语，我知道这里的老师对所有孩子的评论至少都是GOOD，我儿子对自己的写作总是很自信，但是我怎么觉得这个GOOD其实并不怎么样啊，能帮着看一看吗？好在哪里，不好在哪里？我儿子上6年级，这种写作水平是否相当？多谢了！

要求是  write a descriptive poem about chocolate
                  
                                                               CHOCOLATE

Grim, gloomy, glassy-like life, but chocolate, bearing all my thoughts, had me going for a taste,
Of this brown delicacy, which sends its heavenly aroma to reach for me.
As pretty as a rose, the chocolate of which all I may wish for, through time and space.
A tsunami of sweetness enters my mouth, and I chew this sweet, the juice letting out the cocoa.
I am pulled, by hands of this lolly, into a world just as amazing as my dreams.
Wrapped in the imagination of chocolate, I stare into the endless sky, and my sight takes my body with it.
I forgive myself for all my workload, and indulge in this heavenly, tasty world.
The flavour disappears slowly, pulling and me and this amazing world away, but another flavour soon replaces this.


But this time, the emotion changed, from joyous, to what pain and sadness has done to me.
I see all my mistakes, through this sweetness, how I can forgive myself with this dessert.
I can feel my patience on the brink of outburst, but realising this delicious, delectable, delightful treat can be my friend.
Inside me, I beckon for my friends whom I released my ager on, to come back, but I stopped myself.
Even if my only friend can had to be in my mouth, it was still I who chose it to be this way.
Once again I feel the warmth, its tsunami of sweetness and delectable cream engulfing me.
But I woke myself up, and find that this delicious, delectable, delightful chocolate, has changed my life.

洋八路

原帖由 兔宝和猪宝 于 2010-8-17 21:09 发表
请教何老师，这是我儿子前不久完成的作业，老师给的评价就是VERY GOOD，没有任何别的评语，我知道这里的老师对所有孩子的评论至少都是GOOD，我儿子对自己的写作总是很自信，但是我怎么觉得这个GOOD其实并不怎么样啊，能帮着看一看 ...

呵呵，我也不是诗人，只能谈点简单看法。。

这个自由格式（free verse, 不带押韵的一种）的诗词写的比较有感觉，作者试图描述下面的体验：

生活迷茫平淡
沉溺于巧克力的甜美
远望天空遐想

梦醒，回归现实
带来自责和烦躁 （原文中是anger，太强烈，烦躁比较恰当）
自嘲，巧克力可为朋友
朋友改变生活

诗中用了不少比喻，比如，rose, tsunami等，应该说比同龄小孩更富于想象力。不过, 一开始的， grim, gloomy life （glassy-like, 应该是， glass-like 或者就glassy）, 是不是因为作业做的太多了，还是小孩开始多愁善感了，感觉有那么点负面。

诗词是很个人的，很难同别人的作品进行比较，它同一个的特定情境紧密相关，因此旁人是很难给出一个标准答案的。这可能就是老师都会评，very good的缘由？

我个人还是比较喜欢有点押韵的诗词。所以感觉这首诗太白，不够简练，对特定感觉用了相对冗余的词汇和语句描述，使得读者能发挥的想象空间受到限制。

这里，我简单地罗列了一下作者的相关词汇，用原文第一句的写作风格，缩写成下面的样式，看能否复制原文作者所要表达的感觉？哈哈，请大家提提意见。。

------------------
Gloomy life, glassy day,
but chocolate,
bearing my thoughts, urge a taste.

Delicacy, heavenly scent,
reaching for me,
tsunami sweet.

Time and space,
through my gaze,
indulging me
amazing a dream.

Flavour away,
workload came,
sadness, the forgiveness,
being awake,

The chocolate,
being a mate,
It still being my way,
changed the day.

-----------

明河素月

太谢谢何老师了，我第一次读这首诗时，只觉得孩子堆砌了很多词，但是我说不出究竟哪里不对劲，您的评语是到点子上了。我儿子一直认为写诗是他的强项，用词堆砌也是他的特点之一，还和同学互相攀比，似乎越绕用词越复杂就越有才似的，要给他洗脑还不太容易。从上4年级开始我要对他的作文做一点点评就有点不受欢迎了。可是对何老师的评语，他认为很有道理，还是专业老师的话有分量啊。

cxzl

请问何老师，小学1年级的小朋友作文需要到什么水平？现在孩子的课程里面已经有writing了，还很重视，做为家长如何辅导呢？

洋八路

原帖由 cxzl 于 2010-8-19 11:20 发表
请问何老师，小学1年级的小朋友作文需要到什么水平？现在孩子的课程里面已经有writing了，还很重视，做为家长如何辅导呢？

这个阶段家长只要鼓励他们多写就行了，不要特别在意他们写的好不好（当然，字要写清楚，用笔的姿势要对，否则习惯养成了，以后很难改）。也可以叫他们多抄写。该阶段听说读拼更为重要，要养成看书的习惯。

洋八路

写作话题之五：精读、泛读和写作

阅读对写作的重要性我想大家都非常清楚。阅读过程是一个间接经验过程，通过别人的文字间接体验知识和情感。随着小孩的直接生活体验越来越丰富，同书本上获得的间接体验得到相互印证，于是小孩的大脑便充满了各种生动的故事和美好的人类感情，这便是小孩想象力和创造力的源泉。而想象力是任何创意写作的核心。

阅读主要有两种方式，精读和泛读，对写作意义重大，但两者又有明显的不同之处。

精读（Intensive Reading）： 就是逐字逐句的读，单词、语法、句型都要读的非常明白。这只有通过反复读、反复查字典才可以做的。这种读法可以在初学者，尤其是第二语言学生的头脑里先建立一个基本的语言框架。让那些语言的基本元素正确地坐落在大脑皮层的语言区。因为是反复的，轰炸式的记忆，这就相当于在大脑皮层上打桩，记忆深刻，影响深远。当然，最大的缺点是，阅读速度很慢，很累，小孩不喜欢。有人称精读其实不是阅读，是研读，会影响小孩的阅读兴趣。我们国内学生的英语教育主要是这种“研读”的方式，将语言当成数学来啃，搞得我们从小害怕。很多人学了那么多年的英语，一本像样的小说都没有看过，这就是精读“折磨”出来的英文水平。

泛读（Extensive Reading）：主要是从文章中获得信息、故事情节为主，对生词可以采用“一次不理，二次不理，三次仍不理，四次被迫理”的态度。只对多次出现的单词快速查查字典，出现一两次的只猜。泛读的前提是至少要一定的英文基础，对2000个左右的频繁词汇要掌握。在这个基础上，泛读的效果就产生了。因为，泛读可以潜移默化的掌握大量的表达方式和词汇。特定单词在不同的使用环境中的不同意义只有通过泛读才可以感知。光靠精读一个句子是无法演绎字典里单词多种不同涵义的。最重要的是，泛读可以增加学生的阅读兴趣，可以养成经常阅读的习惯。这个功用惠及一生。泛读主要的缺点是学生有可能单纯为了追求故事情节，养成一目十行的坏习惯，看完后，除了讲出一两句故事的大概，好象啥也没有读到。

就精读和泛读对写作的“功用”来说，两者作用都不可低估，如果要说一点区别，我倾向于“精读帮助你写，泛读帮助你想”。为什么这样说呢？因为，你能写出来的字字句句，往往是深刻的印在大脑上的，可以“不假思索”就获得的东西，你可以泛读了很多的书，可是写起来还是歪歪扭扭的，因为，学生的文字地基和桩打的不深不多，可以信手拈来的准确字句不多，而精读，就象背诵，某一个单词和句子的正确用法已经根深蒂固，是我们写作时优先抓起的。但是，泛读可以广泛的获取知识和联想，给你的写作注入了主题和思路。

当然，精读和泛读是紧密联系的。在平时教育时，爱精读的，读的慢的学生（澳洲这个比较少）要鼓励多看，快看；对跳跃式看书的小孩（澳洲大部分小孩），要叫他们看一些经典的，甚至值得背诵的书，让这些生动的句子在头脑上打上烙印，今后要写的时候，这些先遣部队就可以为你的丰富想像力提高弹药般的后期服务了。

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-24 13:16 编辑 ]

judywang

My son doesn't like narration. He always says it is boring to write. He likes reading. But I can't see much improvement in his writing. What should I do?