你会是哪个父母？如何与孩子沟通 (39-42楼书单更新）

蓝月亮

现在在看一本教育孩子的书，里面很多实例想跟大家分享一下。

做父母，你有没有做到尽力了解孩子的感受，孩子有情绪的时候有没有注意认识到是哪种情绪，有没有疏导？

孩子除了。。IQ, EQ其实才对他们的成长发展以及日后的人生有着最重要的影响.

教育孩子是门学问，谁说不是呢？ 学会认识情绪，教孩子正确处理情绪是辅助孩子走向成熟健康发展的关键一步。我们自己小时候的教育缺少这一点，所以，现在才更应该补课。

先来一个例子。

你的孩子被选入学校的球队， 兴冲冲的去参加第一次训练。结果被教练告知因为某些原因，他又被选下来了。孩子很沮丧

回来你会是什么反应。

父母A说，
you're getting yourself all worked up over nothing. The world isn't going to come to an end because you didn't make some team. Forget about it.

B 说，
Life isn't always fair, but you have to learn to roll with the punches.

C 说，
You can't let these things get you down. Try out for another team.

D 说，
why do you think you were dropped? were the other players better than you? what are you going to do now?

E 说，
Try to see it from the coach's point of view. He wants to produce a winning team. It must have been tough for him to decide who to keep and who to let go.

F 说，
Oh, your poor thing. I'm so sorry for you. You tried so hard to make the team, but you just weren't good enough. Now all the other kids know. I'll bet you could just die of embarrassment.

G 说，
Did you ever consider that the real reason you were cut from the team was that your heart wasn't in your playing? I think that on a subconscious level you didn't want to be on the team, so you messed up on purpose.

[ 本帖最后由 蓝月亮 于 2009-9-21 13:45 编辑 ]

ilovecoffee

可能会是c

蓝月亮

你有没有想过，孩子这个时候需要的，除了父母教导怎么做，其实更多的是来自父母的理解和关爱。 表达出来你对孩子这时候沮丧心情的理解与安慰可能是你最应该做的。

下面是几种可能的孩子对于上面父母回答的反应和感受。

A. Don't tell me how to feel
B. Don't tell me what to do
C. You'll never understand
D. You know what you can do with your questions
E. You're taking everybody's side but mine
F. I'm a loser
G. That's the last time I'll ever tell you anything..

What you do and who you are depends on how you feel.

There is direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.
When kids feel right, they'll behave right.
How do we help them to feel right?
by accepting their feelings!

你这个时候如果说下面的话孩子的感受可能会更好：
Oh, it must have been a big shock and a big disappointment to find that you were cut from the team when you were so sure you were on.

这个过程被称为发现并承认孩子的情绪（detect and acknowledge children's feelings)

而不是dismiss their feelings 否认他们的情绪。

试着从孩子的角度想问题并且尽量用语言表达出来。孩子会觉得你理解她的出发点。之后在一起探讨解决问题的方法。而不是一开始就说教。

蓝月亮

Lesson 1

Instead of ignoring feelings, accept feelings even as you stop unacceptable behavior

现在这本书是写给老师看的。不过我觉得父母看一样有教育意义。

再来两个例子。关于纠正孩子不当的行为（unacceptable behavior),

两个孩子争画笔。

老师A , Holly, that's not nice! Give the brush back to Mei. It's not your turn to paint yet!

老师B,  Holly, I can see how much you want to paint. Right now it's Mei's turn to paint. I'll write your name here- in big letters- on the waiting list and then you will be the next !

一个孩子爬到椅子上面再跳下来。

老师A, Richard, stop that this minute. I told you boys yesterday I don't want you jumping off chairs!

老师B, Richard, you really like to jump, don't you? The rule is, no jumping off chairs. Later in the playground, you can show me how high and how far you can jump .

老师B在制止不能允许的行为的同时， 接受了Holly 的感受。当孩子的感受不被重视的时候(ignore feelings)，让孩子改变行为比较困难（A老师）；当他们的感受被接受的时候(accept feelings)，也更愿意改正不对的行为(B老师）

[ 本帖最后由 蓝月亮 于 2009-8-13 15:04 编辑 ]

旋木

蓝月亮MM开的这个话题很赞！
我觉得我会是家长B
B 说，
Life isn't always fair, but you have to learn to roll with the punches.

蓝月亮

谢谢旋版支持，你们觉得这个话题值得谈，就让我有动力继续分享讨论下去。

bahamut

此书是不是“how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk ”，很不错的书！

缓缓

我会说：唉呀妈呀，这是咋的啦，赶紧，来，妈咪抱一抱，先哭会儿吧。

哭完了，看看到底哪方面出问题，然后找个补习班（教练）给补一补

zuozuo

4# B的说法真好，看来偶也得学着点。

蓝月亮

Lesson 2
When your child is worried about something, don't dismiss his feeling. try to acknowledge it and give support.

例子。
孩子刚转学到一个新学校。对一个很严格的老师有恐惧感。这个老师曾经拿着孩子的作业把所有错的地方都用大黑叉叉打上。然后让孩子一条一条的改正再拿给她。 直到全部正确位置。孩子有了心理阴影。 每次上这个老师的课的时候就会紧张，做题就更加不会了。
每次测验的头天晚上，孩子都会肚子痛。 然后对妈妈说， mama I'm scared.

这个时候
       妈妈会说， There's nothing to be scared of. Just do your best.
       爸爸会说，If you'd study, you wouldn't have to be scared.

比较一下如果这个时候妈妈说，You sound very worried about that test, Maria. 是不是给了孩子更多开口的机会解释关于这个老师的事情？ 让孩子觉得父母倾听了自己的担忧，父母和孩子有了connection, 也给明天的考试打了气。

蓝月亮

原帖由 bahamut 于 2009-8-13 15:06 发表
此书是不是“how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk ”，很不错的书！

是姐妹篇，同作者写的，题目叫how to talk so kids can learn at home and in school 昨天在图书馆随手抽得

蓝月亮

原帖由 D妈妈 于 2009-8-13 15:12 发表
我会说：唉呀妈呀，这是咋的啦，赶紧，来，妈咪抱一抱，先哭会儿吧。

哭完了，看看到底哪方面出问题，然后找个补习班（教练）给补一补

D 妈妈的做法已经很不差了。基本上是acknowledge feeling 的一种表现

edith921

原帖由 D妈妈 于 2009-8-13 15:12 发表
我会说：唉呀妈呀，这是咋的啦，赶紧，来，妈咪抱一抱，先哭会儿吧。

哭完了，看看到底哪方面出问题，然后找个补习班（教练）给补一补

哈哈哈哈哈哈，小D那么可爱可全都是遗传D妈妈滴~

bahamut

原帖由 蓝月亮 于 2009-8-13 15:19 发表


是姐妹篇，同作者写的，题目叫how to talk so kids can learn at home and in school 昨天在图书馆随手抽得  

这本也买了，还没来得及看。
支持MM写下去，非常实用，辛苦了！
没分了，明天补。

[ 本帖最后由 bahamut 于 2009-8-13 15:24 编辑 ]