英文作文点评贴 -- 欢迎足友提交

洋八路

提交要求：

1. 以中小学生为主，大学也可以，最好不超过1500字。
2. 必须打字输入，修正明显的拼写和标点错误，不接受扫描图片附件。
2. 文体不限。注明作者笔名，年龄或年纪。
3. 希望足友踊跃评论（用中文和英文都可以），帮助作者提高。
4. 我会点评，并回复改进版本一次。

建议：半年一次评选前三名作者（可以让足友投票评选），作文继续修改后可以参加每年一度的悉尼小学生作文比赛。

欢迎更多建议，以供参考。

洋八路

Sample submission:

David, 12, Year 5.

I turned into an iPad

I play at least 5 hours a day. I was up to my second hour when I suddenly felt stiff. My arms kept shrinking into my body until they were gone. Then my legs shrunk too, and last shrunk my head. I began to turn rectangular.

Just then I heard my mum’s footsteps and she opened the door. ‘Where’s David and why are there two iPads in the room?’ she asked. Then I tried to speak but instead a message popped up. My mum came over to me and when she read the message she was shocked. She picked me up and went to Dad’s room

Dad was playing his own ipad when my mum entered. ‘This iPad says he is David.’

But my dad was too interested in his iPad to notice. When he did though he took me and started looking at me then I made a message pop up and he was shocked. He jumped out of the bed and shook me. After that I was dizzy. Then my parents went around the house to find me. They couldn’t so they called the police after about 1min I heard the police siren. When they got here I suddenly felt my arms again and my legs too. So I guess my head is back too? I am out to my mum.

‘Why did you call us?’ asked the policeman.

‘Because my child is missing!’

‘‘But who is the one behind you?’

Then she turned around and found me.

LittleKing

lz, kindi的可以吗？

洋八路

LittleKing 发表于 2015-1-22 08:40
lz, kindi的可以吗？

可以。

洋八路

点评：

1. 很有创意。
2. 句子通顺，故事主线和作者的声音基本清晰。
3. 转变过程更详细一些，需要加一些‘害怕’的感觉，想象一下碰到这种事情会说些什么呢？还有，头缩小了，变为rectangular， 那‘I’怎么知道这些？还可以看见什么吗？怎么就知道‘I’变成了iPad? 主人公‘I’一定要有知觉，否则整个故事就‘断’了。
4. 有些句子连的太长。
5. 变回去的过程也要详细一点。如何突然就变回‘人’了？
6. 加一点时间概念。大概什么时候？
7. 加一些父母亲的情感反应。


改进版本：

I turned into an iPad

My parents gave me an iPad as a birthday gift. I played at least five hours a day. I couldn’t separate my iPad from me. I brushed my teeth only when my mum reminded me to, and when I actually did it I had to watch my iPad at the same time. I ate breakfast with one hand while the other was on the iPad playing the game.

One Saturday afternoon I was up to my second hour in the game when I suddenly felt stiff. I had a tingling feeling on my arms and legs. But I didn’t stop playing, until I realized my arms began to shrink. I was really scared. I didn’t know what to do but watch my arms becoming smaller, and smaller, until they were all gone. Then the same horrible thing was happening to my legs.  

I was terrified and yelled, ‘Somebody help me, I am dying.’

But nobody came. I yelled again, and found I couldn’t even hear myself. I moved my arms, there was none; I kicked my legs, but nothing happened. I struggled for nearly half an hour in vain. Then I looked up at the roof, where an installed mirror was. I was shocked to see two iPads lying on the bed, and the camera eye of one of them was staring at me.

‘What on earth has happened to me,’ I asked. ‘Why are there two iPads on the bed?’

Then a sudden idea came to me. ‘OMG, have I turned to an iPad?’ I said.

To my surprise the screen of the iPad displayed exactly what I had just said, ‘OMG, have I turned to an iPad?’

“What?’ I exclaimed. And immediately the screen displayed ‘What?’.

Now I was certain I was turned into an iPad. The little camera eye was all I could see the outside world with, and everything I could see was pixilated.  

I was upset, but felt no pain. I began to think turning into an iPad might not be a bad idea. Maybe I could continue my favorite game, and even become a real someone in the game.

‘David, get up,’ my mum called, as usual every day. ‘It is time for dinner.’

I said something, which was only displayed on the screen. ‘Mum, I was turned into an iPad.’

My mum entered the room. She asked, ‘Where has David gone? And why there is another iPad in the room?’  

Then she picked me up, and was very shocked at the message. ‘What? David was turned to an iPad? How was that possible?’

She carried me and went to my dad’s room. My dad was also playing his own iPad on the bed.

“This iPad says it’s David!’’ said Mum.

My dad was too busy with the iPad to answer her. So she put me in front of his eyes and repeated, “This iPad says it’s David!’’

Interrupted by her, Dad was very angry. He stared at Mum and said loudly, “What nonsense! Go away, don’t bother me!’’

As usual for many matters in the house, they argued for a long time. My dad jumped out of the bed. He shook me and I was dizzy. But of course, they couldn’t believe the truthfulness of the messages I had been saying. So they went about to find me. But they couldn’t find me. I was not inside the house, not in the backyard, nor in my friend’s house.

Now really worried they decided to call the police. They really did, I heard the police siren.

I was desperate. ‘Mum, I am really really David. I don’t think police are going to help at all.’

‘But who else can help?’

‘Scientist,’ I said.

‘Ding Dong,’ the door bell rang. It must be the police.

My mum rushed to the door, and accidentally dropped me from her hand. I landed on the hard wooden floor, feeling a sharp pain, and before I could understand anything, I was scrambling to stand up.

“Who is missing?’’ asked the policeman.

“My son,” said my mum, in an anxious and tearful voice.

“But who’s that behind you?”

My mum turned around, with her eyes full of tears and as big as apples.


THE END

aussie_mummy

1919

能推荐下比较好的小学生写作的指导书籍吗？

洋八路

1919 发表于 2015-1-23 13:41
能推荐下比较好的小学生写作的指导书籍吗？

呵呵，不好意思，还真不知道有什么比较好的指导书。 每个学生的情况不一样... 到书店如果有卖应该都有帮助. 要多看多练习..

bkhills

好

洋八路

Regan, Year 4.


这是学生自己写的Pokémon游戏小说的部分选段

The Pokémon World

----


We walked into the wide building and in front of us was the professor.

“May I see your Pokémon again,” said Rowan.

We handed in our Pokémon to the professor.

“Hmm” hummed the professor. “They are young but they seem happy, alright! You can keep them. Also would you like to help me with something? As a very busy man, I would like you to help me with studying Pokémon. This is a Pokedex. It will record the Pokémon you encounter.

Is where your journey really begins.

When we left the lab, dawn was waiting for us.

“You see this building with the orange roof”, Dawn said “That is the Pokecentre. Inside that building you can hear your Pokémon or use the PC. Do you also see that building with the blue roof? That is the Pokemart. You may buy or sell items at the Pokemart. Oh yes! Don’t you two need to tell your mums? They need to know about this.”

I walked down the route and then entered Twinleaf Town. I entered my house and saw mum watching TV.

“Oh! Hey Regan!” It’s very late you should get some sleep.

THE NEXT MORNING………

“What did you want to tell me dear”, asked mum.

I then told her what happened.

“Wow, that’s amazing”, exclaimed mum. “I wish I could do it instead. Just kidding! Also, take this. This is a journal. It will record what you do each day. Have fun”

As soon as mum finished speaking, Steve’s mum came into our house.

“Oh, hi!” said Steve’s mum. “I was wondering whether you could give this to Steve. I had no time to give it to him”. I agreed to take the parcel to Steve.

When I went back to Sandegm Town, I healed my Pokémon in the Pokecentre (because I fought Starlys and Bidoofs while getting here.) When I approached route 202, Dawn was waiting for me.

“The other boys are already at Jublife City so you are quite behind. I did forget to tell you something yesterday, which is how to catch a Pokémon. First you need to find a wild Pokémon.

----------------


点评：


1. 故事人物和结构还算清楚。
2. 但非常缺少场景细节描述，人物不够生动。


改进版本：

The Pokémon World

We walked into the wide building, and in front of us was the white-bearded professor.

“May I see your Pokémon again,” he said, squinting from a pair of gold-rimmed spectacles.  

Without hesitation I handed in our Pokémon to the professor, who had gained much of our confidence with his knowledge and wisdom.  

“Hmm,” the professor nodded, after a long moment of thoughtful inspection, “they are young but they seem happy, alright! You can keep them. Also would you like to help me with something? As a very busy man, I would like you to help me with studying Pokémon. This is a Pokedex. It will record the Pokémon you encounter.’  

So it was where our journey really began.

Outside the lab, Dawn was waiting for us. “You see that building with the orange roof?” he asked, pointing at a building a few blocks away from the lab. “That is the Pokecentre. Inside that building you can hear your Pokémon or use the PC. Do you also see the building with the blue roof? That is the Pokemart. You may buy or sell items at the Pokemart. Oh yes! Don’t you two need to tell your mums? They need to know about this.”

It was late in evening, and to be honest, I was weary enough for a nice sleep. So after saying ‘good night’ to the guys, I walked down the route to Twinleaf Town. I entered my house and saw Mum watching TV.

“Oh, Regan!” she exclaimed at once at her first sight of me, like one whose worry seemed endless. ‘It’s very late you should get some sleep, otherwise I would like to hear what you have been up to this whole day.’

‘Yes, Mum,’ I mutterred, dragging myself upstairs to my bedroom.  

THE NEXT MORNING………

“What did you want to tell me dear,” Mum asked as soon as I was seated for breakfast. With so much pride and a fresh mind I began to tell her what had happened.

“Wow, that’s amazing”, Mum said. “I wish I myself could do it instead. Just kidding! Also, take this. This is a journal. It will record what you do each day, have fun.”

At that moment, we heard someone knocking at the door. Mum rose and went for it and when the door was opened, I saw Steve’s mum's smiling face.  

“Good morning, Helen, ” she greeted promptly, “I am sorry to have come early to interrupt your breakfast, but I wonder whether Regan could give this to Steve. I go shopping and won’t have time to give him myself.”  

‘Steve?’ I called out, surprised. ‘Has he already set off to the Town?’

‘Yes, indeed, he left home earliy, having barely finished breakfast.’

‘Haha, the hasty Steve,’ I was laughing. ‘Then leave the parcel here, and I will pass it to him.’

At Sandegm Town, I repaired my Pokémon in the Pokecentre (because I had fought Starlys and Bidoofs while getting here.) When I approached the route 202, I saw Dawn waiting there with anxious look.  

“Hurry, Regan, the other boys are already at Jublife City so you are quite behind,’ he shot out his words. ‘And I did forget to tell you something yesterday, which is how to catch a Pokémon. First you need to find a wild Pokémon...

------

小小白虎

楼主这个主意好，我家小朋友写了很多东西，我有空手打发上来

kk0106

謝謝樓主的用心.

kangarooo

:)