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楼主:洋八路

[全澳] 谈谈英文写作 (话题之十一(266楼)反射性(写作)思维 (Reflective Thinking) [复制链接]

发表于 2010-9-15 22:50 |显示全部楼层
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何老师, 我在 贴一篇儿子周末写的作文,  我觉得太短了。可是想想他也写了原因为什么喜欢。总之觉得内容不够丰富,也许我对2年级小朋友要求高了? 麻烦您点评一下吧 Year 2。谢谢。

Subject: what is favourite season and why

The four seasons of the year are summer, autumn, winter and spring.  They all have different features and different styles.  

My favourite season is summer because I can swim in the solar heated swimming pool.  Secondly I enjoy eating lots of rainbow icebream at the icecream shop in Castle Towers.  My beautiful strawberries are grown in the front garden.  In summer they are ripe so that I can collect the sweet fruit and eat them freshly.

Summer is also marvellous beause it has a very long holiday that starts from late December to late January.  It is also terrific that I will viist Beijing in China.  Lastly my grade finishes and I will move to the next grade.

This is why I like the boiling hot season, summer.

[ 本帖最后由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-15 21:51 编辑 ]
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发表于 2010-9-16 10:35 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-15 21:50 发表
何老师, 我在 贴一篇儿子周末写的作文,  我觉得太短了。可是想想他也写了原因为什么喜欢。总之觉得内容不够丰富,也许我对2年级小朋友要求高了? 麻烦您点评一下吧 Year 2。谢谢。

Subject: what is favourite season and ...


点评:

-- 写的很好,结构和层次很分明,同题目的要求很贴切,2年级的小孩很难得。
-- 小孩这个年级写作文,不要求“多”,最主要的是把意思能够表达清楚。一字一句不会含糊不清,这是非常重要的。至于内容,那是知识和想象力的问题,是随着小孩的成长不断加强的,不用担心。
-- 你现在就是叫他多写,一句表达一个明确的意思,不要反复。同样一个段落表达一个主题,不要反复交叉。



The four seasons of the year are summer, autumn, winter and spring.  They all have different features and different styles.  (excellent opening)

My favourite season is summer because I can swim in the solar heated swimming pool.  Secondly I enjoy eating lots of rainbow icebream at the icecream shop in Castle Towers.  My beautiful strawberries are grown in the front garden.  In summer they are ripe so that I can collect the sweet fruit and eat them freshly.

Summer is also marvellous beause it has a very long holiday that starts from late December to late January.  It is also terrific that I will viist Beijing in China (are you visiting Beijing in every summer? if yes, then it can be a reason being favourite, otherwise you need to indicate it is the long summary holiday that you can take the chance visiting Beijing).  Lastly my grade finishes and I will move to the next grade. (This reason is not quite to the point -- it is about your favourite season in general terms, not how you like this coming Summer)

This is why I like the boiling hot season, summer. (ending well)
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-16 12:53 |显示全部楼层
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二年級寫這麼多還算少呀,我女兒也二年級,估計她肯定不行。晚上問問她要不要也寫一篇,估計答案是:NO。

发表于 2010-9-16 14:01 |显示全部楼层
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谢谢何老师。他为什么会写年 升一级,因为,每年夏天都完成一个学年,升到新一学年,因为他是小不点,6月的。所以对每长大一点,都很兴奋。也是他为什么喜欢夏天的一个原因。这是他写这段后我问儿子,他告诉我的。这是夏天对他的意义。 我觉得还算得上一个原因,而且是我根本不可能想到的原因。觉得挺有意思的。

谢谢您。

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发表于 2010-9-16 22:54 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-16 13:01 发表
谢谢何老师。他为什么会写年 升一级,因为,每年夏天都完成一个学年,升到新一学年,因为他是小不点,6月的。所以对每长大一点,都很兴奋。也是他为什么喜欢夏天的一个原因。这是他写这段后我问儿子,他告诉我的。这是夏天对他的意 ...


哦,原来是这样。这肯定应该是一个原因了,而且是最重要最有想象力的原因。叫他可以写的更明白一点,这样这篇文章就真的与众不同了(就从良好变为优秀)。写作有自己独特的见解很难得的,这也是好作品和一般作品的区别。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-17 20:10 |显示全部楼层

请何老师给我儿子点评一下

此文章由 barry.wang1 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 barry.wang1 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
本来约好了明天上你家去聊聊,顺便拿点种子,可是明天晚上要去CITY吃饭,所以去不了了。我们下星期再上门拜访吧。
儿子昨天刚好写了一篇简短的有关一个问题的总结,请您在这里先帮他点评一下,英文方面我们真帮不了他。
谢谢了


Do I Have Free Will?

At first I thought I had no free will because I was refined to my house and cant do much of what I wanted because of my parents but then after asking my friends and  reading some articles about free will I got confused in whether we have free will or don’t.
I don’t really know if I have free will or not, as I can choose to do something but I get influenced into not doing it ,such as I want to play on the computer however my parents don’t and I end up not doing so, does that mean as I don’t have free will? Another example is that if ,you want to do something really extreme like sky diving but you end up not doing it because you were too sacred of the height, does that mean you don’t have free will as you were restraint by your fear of heights and didn’t complete what you choose to do or were do you have free will as chose not to do it? Everyone can choose to do something but would they really do it or just change their mind on the last second or get influenced by someone or something else.
The question ,do we have free will is hard to answer as mentioned above however anyone can choose to do something but there are things limiting your choice.
Therefore, in conclusion if i had to answer yes or no it would be yes ,we do have free will, I mean, I can choose to not do this 500 words response but if I don’t Mr Mansfield would give me a detention so I chose to do it ,doesn’t that mean we have free however things will alter your choices.
If I asked, does a slave have free will you would say no as he has to obey master , but he can choose whether or not to, but most likely he would do it as doesn’t want to be punished, therefore a slave does have free will.

By Barry Wang的

[ 本帖最后由 barry.wang1 于 2010-9-17 19:44 编辑 ]
錢總是賺不夠的,生命卻終有盡頭。
樹欲靜而風不止,子欲養而親不待。
常回家看看!!!!
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发表于 2010-9-17 23:32 |显示全部楼层
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真有这样的好事,可以面见何老师?何老师,我们也住在hills, 真的可以见您随便聊聊吗? 听我朋友说您是大忙人,可是又很平易近人。我们有机会吗?我是一个总是提前担忧的妈妈,也是因为儿子年龄比较小的原因吧,我的担心总是多一点。

[ 本帖最后由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-17 22:40 编辑 ]

发表于 2010-9-18 18:13 |显示全部楼层
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何老师,也请帮忙看一下我女儿写的一篇,我女儿现在是YEAR 2了。我帮忙提示了一些,但是句子都是她写的。但是老师的评语回来说“many of your sentences are a bit too simple and need more details to make them more complex." 我实在是是不知道怎么make them more complex.看来我自己的WRITNG 也不怎么样。

所以千万请何老师看一下。

He was a mean looking pirate. He had a black eye patch over his left eye, and he wrote a hat with a picture of a skull and crossbones.
这是老师给的开头。

His crew "Win it" was the most hardest working team ever- that's what he thought.

He owned a big,strong, shiny, new and brown ship that he got last week, He was very proud of it that he wanted to show off his ship. Also he was jealous about treasure so he said to his crew "Win it." "Yes sir." said the crew. Then suddenly a sailor shouted," wait! We forgot the treasure map!" "Off. We go to my bedroom and find one. Go and there are heaps!" said the pirate.

So they started to search for a treasure map in his ship bedroom where he stacked unused treasure maps. Finally, he found the perfect one. He announced " Oky. Doky. Time to sail."

It was a really hard trip. First they passed a really sunny place. After that they had to cope with very cloudy weather. Then suddenly heavy rain fell, he and his crew raced straight into the living room, snuggled to sleep. Finally when the sun came up, they found just the right island.

后面还有一页,我就先不打了。

发表于 2010-9-18 23:40 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 barry.wang1 于 2010-9-17 19:10 发表
本来约好了明天上你家去聊聊,顺便拿点种子,可是明天晚上要去CITY吃饭,所以去不了了。我们下星期再上门拜访吧。
儿子昨天刚好写了一篇简短的有关一个问题的总结,请您在这里先帮他点评一下,英文方面我们真帮不了他。
谢谢了 ...


点评:

-- 这篇议论文作者写的很有意思,还很有幽默感。
-- 作者一直在试图剖析有free will 还是没有,最后的结论是“说不清楚”,这也可以是一种结论,但作者没有清楚地表达出观点。导致读者无法明确作者的结论是什么。
-- 其实这句本来可以作为作者的观点:The question ,do we have free will is hard to answer. However anyone can choose to do something but there are things limiting your choice. 但被放在文章的中间,很容易被读者忽略,位置不太妥当。
-- 每个句子过于长,可以简洁点



Do I Have Free Will?

At first I thought I had no free will because I was refined (confined) to my house and cant do much of what I wanted because of my parents but then after asking my friends and  reading some articles about free will I got confused in whether we have free will or don’t.(a bit too long, better refine this sentence, put some punctuation).
I don’t really know if I have free will or not (is this your answer to the question?), as I can choose to do something but I get influenced into not doing it ,such as I want to play on the computer however my parents don’t and I end up not doing so, does that mean as I don’t have free will? Another example is that if ,you want to do something really extreme like sky diving but you end up not doing it because you were too sacred of the height, does that mean you don’t have free will as you were restraint by your fear of heights and didn’t complete what you choose to do or were do you have free will as chose not to do it? (sentence too long, make more concise expression) Everyone can choose to do something but would they really do it or just change their mind on the last second or get influenced by someone or something else.
The question ,do we have free will is hard to answer as mentioned above however anyone can choose to do something but there are things limiting your choice. (This statement is a valid proposition, you can bring to te first paragraph or in the en, then you can give your arguments to support this statement)
Therefore, in conclusion if i had to answer yes or no it would be yes ,we do have free will, I mean, I can choose to not do this 500 words response but if I don’t Mr Mansfield would give me a detention so I chose to do it ,doesn’t that mean we have free however things will alter your choices(this paragraph is very humorous, your reader likes this, although it should be part of your supporting arguments).
If I asked, does a slave have free will you would say no as he has to obey master , but he can choose whether or not to, but most likely he would do it as doesn’t want to be punished, therefore a slave does have free will. (The last paragraph is not supposed to argue any more, should just a type of conclusion, and re-state your opinion).
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-19 00:03 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 sarahliang 于 2010-9-18 17:13 发表
何老师,也请帮忙看一下我女儿写的一篇,我女儿现在是YEAR 2了。我帮忙提示了一些,但是句子都是她写的。但是老师的评语回来说“many of your sentences are a bit too simple and need more details to make them more co ...


点评:

-- 文章的结构很清楚,很有易读性,句子合理通顺。

-- 作者已经想了一个没找到地图的情节,但可以想象出更多的情节,尤其是在艰难的旅途中,缺乏惊险的故事,所以关键问题是想象力问题。这种文章就是要想出“故事”来。

注:对别人的评价,我不合适作评论。


He was a mean looking pirate. He had a black eye patch over his left eye, and he wrote a hat with a picture of a skull and crossbones.

His crew "Win it" was the most hardest (double superlative usage) working team ever- that's what he thought.

He owned a big,strong, shiny, new and brown ship that he got last week, He was very proud of it that he wanted to show off his ship. Also he was jealous about treasure so he said to his crew "Win it." "Yes sir." said the crew. Then suddenly a sailor shouted," wait! We forgot the treasure map!" "Off. We go to my bedroom and find one. Go and there are heaps!" said the pirate.

So they started to search for a treasure map in his ship bedroom where he stacked unused treasure maps. Finally, he found the perfect one. He announced " Oky. Doky. Time to sail."

It was a really hard trip. First they passed a really sunny place. After that they had to cope with very cloudy weather. Then suddenly heavy rain fell, he and his crew raced straight into the living room, snuggled to sleep (the author need to describe more in detail about the hardship of sailing -- hard trip?). Finally when the sun came up, they found just the right island. (sounds very easy trip. You are expected to make up some incidents along the trip.)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-9-24 16:03 编辑 ]
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-21 11:47 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-9-13 13:01 发表
谢谢何老师,等马女士作业改完后我贴出来对比一下,谢谢。

你好何老师,马女士的作业改完了我贴出来让大家看一下。
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发表于 2010-9-21 11:48 |显示全部楼层
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发表于 2010-9-21 11:49 |显示全部楼层
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这是小福州这学期成绩

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参与人数 1积分 +4 收起 理由
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发表于 2010-9-21 11:54 |显示全部楼层
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我问马女士你的评分标准是什么?她说完全按照考精英中学的评分标准,下面我把马女士的评分标准贴出来让大家看一下。

发表于 2010-9-21 11:59 |显示全部楼层
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发表于 2010-9-21 12:01 |显示全部楼层
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好贴,谢谢!收藏了!

发表于 2010-9-21 23:00 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-9-21 10:54 发表
我问马女士你的评分标准是什么?她说完全按照考精英中学的评分标准,下面我把马女士的评分标准贴出来让大家看一下。


这里称赞小孩作业做的好,除了‘good’以外,还有100种不同的说法,这里的老师很善于灵活使用,就是要让学生觉得称赞是“真诚”的,国内的老师在这方面就差远了,表扬的很吝啬,批评可能还多点,教育文化有很大的区别。
英文写作老师

退役斑竹 2011年度奖章获得者 2014年度奖章获得者

发表于 2010-9-21 23:37 |显示全部楼层
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太喜欢这个帖子了!

发表于 2010-9-22 12:11 |显示全部楼层
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何老师,多谢了。
“所以关键问题是想象力问题”。--怎么可以增加这方面呢?阅读多些书籍?

发表于 2010-9-22 22:40 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 sarahliang 于 2010-9-22 11:11 发表
何老师,多谢了。
“所以关键问题是想象力问题”。--怎么可以增加这方面呢?阅读多些书籍?


首先,我这里指的想象力是这篇作文,需要想象出一些精彩的故事,不能由此得出结论小孩缺乏想象力,这个有根本的区别。

一个人的想象力来源有两种途径:直接经验和间接经验。

直接经验:用身体五官感知周围的人、事、物,从而在大脑中建立尽可能多的影像,提供各种直接体验的联想能力和情感反馈。-- 就是多观察事物和人,多体验生活。
间接经验:听故事,看书籍,通过别人的直接体验间接想象,这种想象是以个人的直接经验为基础的。大量阅读有兴趣的书籍,那些可以让你感动的、使你投入的故事可以触发直接经验的回忆,因此,可以大幅度补充直接经验的不足。

间接经验和直接经验相互碰撞在大脑形成的丰富画面是构成想象力的来源。

在技术上,需要引导人的想象力。其实很多人不是没有东西可想,而是没有方法让他们想出来,或者本身没有“动机”去想,总觉得没啥好想的。这个就要找一些同人直接相关的生活经历,让他们有兴趣去幻想。有了动机,总会有想象力的。

。。。

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-9-23 09:20 编辑 ]
英文写作老师
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发表于 2010-9-24 12:26 |显示全部楼层

写作话题之六(112楼) - 为什么会“脑袋空空的,没啥好写?”

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为什么会“脑袋空空的,没啥好写?”

小孩在写作文的时候,一个很常有的现象是“写不出东西来”,脑袋空空的。勉强写出来的东西没有跌宕的情节,没有生动感人的故事,描述一个事物和人也是非常的平淡,整个写作过程其实是在“应付”,毫无创造力可言。就象很多的课外补习做作业一样,反复的布置,反复的应付,学生很累,除了在数量上有点累积优势以外,质量上并没有提高。当然,父母亲看到小孩的反复辛勤劳作会感到“实在”,这当是题外话了。

那么如何提高小孩写作文的质量?如果提高小孩“思考过程”的深度呢?

其实,就写作来讲,大人同小孩也是一样。我们在看书,看文章的时候,发现那些作家怎么可以将一个很平常的东西写的如此生动呢?很多东西在一般人眼里本是平淡无奇,可是在那些人的笔下,忽然有了意义,写出的意境让人久久无法释怀,这是为什么呢?

这个又要回到我们读中学时候,语文老师反复强调的要“体验生活”的概念。那时候总觉得老师唠叨,还没有能力特别深究“体验生活”的真实意义。

最近有一次上课,讲述想象力的话题。我随手拿了一个香蕉,叫每个小孩想象一个东西。多数小孩都是从形状和颜色上说些 “yellow color”, “it is long like a fat stick”的简单描述性的内容,其中一个两年级女孩的答案让我眼睛一亮,惊为天人。

她说,“it is like a pregnant woman!” – “它象一个怀孕的妇女!”

你说,我听到这个小孩的回答,作为老师,我的惊喜程度可想而知,就想象力来说,她更应该是老师啊,真让我惭愧。

那么为什么她会说出如此“惊人”的话语?这个又同生活体验有关系了。

首先,她必须看过怀孕的妇女。这点毫无疑问。

其次,她不但象大多数人那样看过,最重要的是她还仔细观察过,想过,并且肯定被怀孕妇女走路的样子和肚子形状“深深”吸引。那走路的样子和肚子的形状已经深深的在她的脑海里形成了生动的画面。这种画面是头脑里的影像元素,同文字没有太大的关系。因为文字只是一种交流表达头脑里那些图景的工具,影像才是想象力和情感的来源。换句话说,即使她不知道 pregnant woman这个两个单词如何写、如何说,可一看到那个弧形曲线,头脑里的图像就苏醒复活了。

小孩去旅游,同别的小孩一起玩,一起游戏;他们看天,看海,看鸟,看草木,看蚂蚁的行军队列;看人哭泣看人欢笑;看父母发脾气看人吵架;看中国人过马路,看路边乞丐;听人们窃窃私语,感受天气冷暖无常;品尝食物的酸甜苦辣,体会心情高低起伏。。这些经历和体验都可以或深或浅地在头脑里种下想象和联想的种子,用四个字“体验生活”算是高度概括了它全部涵义。

当然,有了丰富的生活体验,如何将小孩头脑里的东西,用文字表述出来并同别人一起分享那些生动的图景,这就是一个技术问题了。在技术上有好多方法可以触发我们的思考过程,比如假设想象法,物理特征类比法,细节观察法,情感反馈法,反复提问法,观点表达法,往事回忆法,直接描述法等等。

要特别注意的是,技术手段只是帮助你将大脑图景重新“放映”出来,而丰富深刻的生活体验才是写作的最终源泉。这些体验加上有效的技术引导,小孩(包括成人)的写作就会觉得有很多可以写,而不是空空如也,毫无头绪了。很多时候,老师布置的作文题目本身过于“脱离生活”也是导致小孩无法感“兴趣”的原因。因此,让小孩多写一些同他们年轻生活直接相关的话题,让他们萌生出抒发情感和分享图景的“意愿和动机”,那么写作将不再是一个枯燥无味的辛勤劳作。

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英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-24 12:28 |显示全部楼层
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(paopaobing(56))

发表于 2010-9-25 10:32 |显示全部楼层

Samba was sixteen

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Samba was sixteen, scared of storms, gentle as a lamb and could melt your heart with a look. We buried a stranger to protect her. We found him outside our door on Friday the thirteenth. Samba straddled him, teeth bared, hackles raised with blood all over her beautiful white coat.
Immediately everyone panicked, what was a dead body doing on our front door?? And why is Samba with him?? Samba told everyone to calm down, we landed with a thump on our couch and looking anxiously as we demanded to know what happened. Samba looked at all of us and said that what she’s about to tell us is much classified. We all swore never to tell even if our lives depended on it. We’ll were just so eager to know who the man is and what had happened.
Samba explained how she is working for the NCIS undercover, her parents had died years ago and is now living with her partner from NCIS next door. She has been here for 4 years after been trained by her parents. The bureau has been trying to solve her parent’s mystery death for ages, and had assigned Samba to it. She has tracked him down here.
The news gave to us as a shock, we all thought Samba was a normal girl like all others and lives with her brother because of their parents died, but she was anything BUT that. It took us a while to take in all the information. Then it all came so clear, when throughout the day Samba was always not home, and why every time we go to the library we’ll see her, all but one thing…..who’s the stranger and the door??
When we asked Samba broke to tears, she told us that when she was with her partner undercover at the ball with the suspect. They watched him disappear into the toilet, they closely followed. When he got to the ally he suspected that we were following him and fired at us, and he had killed her partner, in the attempt to save him the killer got away. Samba wimped. We all felt sympathy for her. Me and my son we grabbed the stranger and put him in the garage, so that no one will know about this. “We’re all going to help you catch the murderer! We all said. Samba gave us all a hug after she got changed upstairs and we got some gear from the shed and set off into the darkness.
We got back to ally where her partner was shot; sure enough the killer was still there, near the train station to wait for the train. Samba went around him and we tackled him front on. He was dropped to the ground quickly and arrested by Samba.
Samba told us that sadly her partner has to be buried so that no one would know of this incident, and her cover would be kept secret, we all had to agree.

Can everyone please comment on where i can improve?

[ 本帖最后由 守望者 于 2010-9-25 09:38 编辑 ]

发表于 2010-9-26 11:28 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 守望者 于 2010-9-25 09:32 发表
Samba was sixteen, scared of storms, gentle as a lamb and could melt your heart with a look. We buried a stranger to protect her. We found him outside our door on Friday the thirteenth. Samba straddle ...


Comment:

--  Attractive story
--  Good sentence and paragraph structure
--  Areas to improve:


time tense;
need more powerful and vivid description especially on a number of critical incidents which will contributionally shape the main character (Samba);
not enough information about other characters



Samba was sixteen

Samba was sixteen, scared of storms, gentle as a lamb and could melt your heart with a look. We buried a stranger to protect her (better not disclose the final action of the story here – you need to keep reader curious at this early state). We found him outside our door on Friday the thirteenth. Samba straddled him, teeth bared, hackles raised with blood all over her beautiful white coat (beautiful? – can use other descriptive words such as innocent, snow white coat; author can use more powerful words to describe Samba’s emotion and expressions like trembling, exhausted, fatigue, puffing, worried, anxious, weary, etc. as this is the right place to set an attractive story scene.).
Immediately everyone panicked, what was a dead body doing on our front door?? (who is everyone and we here?) And why is Samba with him?? Samba told everyone to calm down, we landed with a thump on our couch and looking anxiously as we demanded to know what happened. Samba looked at all of us and said that what she’s about to tell us is much classified. We all swore never to tell even if our lives depended on it. We’ll were just so eager to know who the man is and what had happened. (the author can use dialogue to reflect the seriousness of atmosphere instead of a plain representation)
Samba explained how she is (time sense not right – had been) working for the NCIS undercover, her parents had died years ago and is (was)  now living with her partner from NCIS next door. She has been here for 4 years after been trained by her parents (why did her parents train her? What course?). The bureau has been trying to solve her parent’s mystery death for ages, and had assigned Samba to it. She has (had) tracked him (him? You need to release more background about “him”) down here.
The news gave to us as a shock, we all thought Samba was a normal girl like all others and lives (lived) with her brother because of their parents died, but she was anything BUT that. It took us a while to take in all the information (this sentence is rather plain, can be changed to something more vivid like “We felt numbed and entirely puzzled while absorbing abrupt surprise”). Then it all came so clear, when throughout the day Samba was always not (not always at) home, and why every time we go (went) to the library we’ll (would) see her, all but one thing…..who’s the stranger and the door??
When we asked Samba (she) broke to tears, she told us that when she was with her partner (better give a name and gender and age…) undercover at the ball with the suspect. They watched him disappear into the toilet, they closely followed (can use a better sentence structure -- Closely following the suspect, they watched him disappear into the toilet). When he got to the ally he suspected that we were following him and fired at us, and he had killed her partner (Author should show more in detail about this happening…) , in the attempt to save him (confused – should state clearly it was the Samba trying to save the partner) the killer got away. Samba wimped (?). We all felt sympathy for her. Me and my son (Me had a son? The author is supposed to be in the same age group as Samba based on the fantasy story) we grabbed the stranger and put him in the garage, so that no one will (would) know about this. “We’re all going to help you catch the murderer!(“ – punctuation)) We (We – any other people?) all said. Samba gave us all a hug after she got changed upstairs and we got some gear from the shed and set off into the darkness.
We got back to ally where her partner was shot (author needs to inform the reader how far it was from home); sure enough the killer was still there, near the train station to wait for the train (The scene is flipping from ally to train station without transition). Samba went around him and we tackled him front on (this is another critical event, author should afford more descriptive writing on its happening -- a good place to show Samba's specially trained body agility instead of "we"'s). He was dropped to the ground quickly and arrested by Samba. (too plain)
Samba told us that sadly her partner has (had) to be buried so that no one would know of this incident, and her cover would be kept secret, we all had to agree. (ending is appropriate)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-9-26 10:36 编辑 ]

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参与人数 2积分 +9 收起 理由
守望者 + 6 偶对你的景仰如滔滔江水
wavesye + 3 谢谢奉献

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英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-26 16:48 |显示全部楼层
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Writen by my son - 13yrs old
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发表于 2010-9-26 18:12 |显示全部楼层
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it's a competition the starting part you had to have and the text have to be no more than 500 words

发表于 2010-9-28 23:55 |显示全部楼层
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Thanks for sharing. Learning...

发表于 2010-10-1 16:44 |显示全部楼层
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何老师,能不能提供一些精读的文章啊?

发表于 2010-10-3 23:00 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jinhl 于 2010-10-1 16:44 发表
何老师,能不能提供一些精读的文章啊?

我收集了100多篇、各种写作风格的精读文章。我要求学生一个星期抄写一篇(或摘选其中一段),每天读两遍(一周读五天共10遍)。这里贴一篇供你参考。

-------------

All things come of age

By Liam O'Flaherty

The baby rabbit was sitting in the sun just by the entrance to his burrow. He was half asleep. His big ears sloped along his back and his sides heaved gently with his breathing. Now and again a slight breeze came up from the stream, raised the brown fur on his side and made silver furrows in it. When the breeze touched him, he sniffed the air and wanted his mother to come and feed him.

He was now big enough to graze for his own food along the fertile bank of the stream, but all his brothers and sisters had been killed by a weasel and for that reason there was still enough milk in his mother’s drying udder to feed him. So he had not yet been forced to pluck the short blades of grass with his teeth and chew them. All he did was to come out of his burrow, hop about in the sun, smelling the ground, or sit attentively listening to sound, until something menacing came to his ears and he dived into his burrow for shelter.

At the moment, there was perfect peace by the bank of the stream. The sun was still at its height, although it was long past noon. It shone full on the waterfall, that poured with a wild, sad murmur from a narrow gorge, lined with a thick growth of flowering heather. Like a widespread horse’s mance, the water poured from the gorge, thick and brown at its base, where it was cloured by the earth and heather and then, falling, it widened out into a silver sheet. There was a long, deep pool below the fall. Flies skimmed its surface and trout leaped at their gaudy wings. At the near end of the pool, just beneath where the little rabbit dozed, there was a line of boulders thrown across the stream. A wild duck stood on one leg in a hollow between two of the boulders. The duck was asleep, with its bill tucked under one wing.

All was still, except for the drowsy music of the waterfall. Some time ago, when the duck swooped down, quacking, onto the boulders, the little rabbit had taken fright and darted into his burrow. But when he peered out again and watched the duck for a long time, as it fed in the stream, prodding with its beak, he became used to the bird and feared it no more. Now it was asleep and it had become part of the surroundings. There was nothing to be seen of it between the boulders, except its flashing wing feathers and a little of its yellow beak.

Suddenly the duck awoke and withdrew its bill from beneath its wing. It raised its neck and turned its head from side to side, listening. Then it began to bob its head and put both feet on the ground. It moved a little to one side, jerking its head and its tail. Then it quacked. It was a low quack, scarcely audible, but it startled the little rabbit. He became wide awake and moved. At first he laid his ears flat along his back and bent down low to the earth on his stomach. Then he raised himself gradually, thrust forward his ears and listened. He watched the duck.

Now the duck was very excited and began to quack continuously. Shaking its gullet, it paddled about on the boulder, taking tiny steps. The little rabbit became very curious, because he failed to discover the cause of the bird’s unrest. There was neither sound nor smell. He raised himself on his haunches, thrust his ears as far forward as he could and let his forelegs drop along his breast. He listened and watched intently. He began to get afraid.

Then the duck uttered a loud quack and swept from the boulders with a great swishing of its wings. It swung in a half circle and then shot upwards into the sky, gathering speed as it rose, until it disappeared over a clump of trees farther down the bank of the stream. The rabbit dropped his forelegs to the ground and gathered himself together to make a dive into his burrow. Yet he did not move. The swoop of the duck and the loud swishing of its wings had so startled him that he could not move. So he remained where he was, crouching.

And then, as he lay crouching, he began to feel afraid. It was the same feeling he experienced a few days previously, then his last remaining brother, having hopped into the clump of briars on the left, had suddenly begun to scream. There was a strange feeling in the air, the nearness of a sinister force, that prevented movement. At that time, however, he had been able to move after a little while and run into his burrow. Now it was different.

The sinister feeling increased. There was absolute silence and there was nothing strange to smell and yet he felt the approach of the sinister force, something unknown and monstrous. In spite of himself, although he wanted awfully to hide from it, he looked in the direction whence he sensed the approach of the enemy. His head shook violently as he glanced towards the boulders that lay across the stream. And then he began to scream. A weasel was crossing the line of boulders.

The baby rabbit had never before seen a weasel, but the long brown body, that moved with awful speed, making no sound, drove him crazy with horror. The weasel paused in the middle of the stream, raised his powerful head and stared at the rabbit, his wicked eyes fixed. And then, keeping his head raised and his eyes on his prey, he glided like a flash to the bank. He disappeared for a fraction of a second behind a stone in his patch and then appeared again, standing against the little stone, staring fixedly. Now his powerful head, raised above the long brown barrel of his body, was like the boss of a hammer, poised to strike. The rabbit’s screaming became wider. He was now completely in the brute’s power, mesmerized by the staring eyes and by the sinister presence.

The weasel, having mesmerized his prey, was on the point of gliding forward to his meal of blood, when the baby rabbit’s mother dashed from the clump of briars on the left, screaming as she ran. She moved in a strange fashion, leaping sideways like a dog trying to sight a hare in a field of corn. It was a grotesque dance, to the accompaniment of wild screams. She passed directly in front of the weasel and circled him twice, threatening him each time with her upraised paws. She drew his eyes from her little one towards herself. When they were fixed on her, she dropped to the ground and began to tremble. She crawled away slowly towards the clump of briars, continuing the while to scream. Then she lay down. The weasel slid from the stone and moved towards her swiftly.

As soon as the weasel’s eyes left him, the baby rabbit stopped screaming. Then he began to crawl away upstream. He moved as if his back were hurt. He was almost paralysed and it hurt him terribly to draw his hind legs up under his belly in order to hop forward. But the farther away he went from the weasel, the lesser grew the pain in his joints, until at last it seemed that a weight was lifted from his body and he was able to run, staggering a little, into a great hummock of grass that grew around a gorse bush. He bored a hole through the long, coarse grass with his snout and then lay still in the very middle of it, panting. There he fell asleep.

When he awoke it was late in the evening and the sun had set. He felt very hungry. By now, his paroxysm of fear and the weasel’s staring eyes were only a vague memory. He wanted to suck his mother and satisfy his hunger. He backed out of his lair in the grass to look for her. He would find her in the burrow where she always fed him in the evening.

He ran back to the burrow as fast as he could, the little white button of his tail hopping as he ran in the twilight like a ball of cotton carried on the wind. He dived eagerly into the burrow and searched for her. The burrow was empty. He came out again, sat on his haunches and raised his ears, smelling and listening. In the distance, frogs were croaking in a marsh. A curlew called on the wing. A multitude of other birds, about to perch for the night, were warbling. He dropped his forelegs and hopped about, smelling the ground, now and again thrusting forward one ear and then another, listening. All round the mouth of the burrow, among the thrown out earth, that was pebbled with round droppings, he could smell her, but the smell was old and faint. He went farther from the hole, nosing the ground, in search of a fresher scent.

At last he found one, the track on which she had danced before the weasel. He followed it carefully, round and round, until he came to her, over near the clump of briars. She was lying on her side, already stiff in death. Her udder was towards him and he was on the point of thrusting at the nearest teat with his snout, when he drew back slightly, astonished at the unusual odour which her body exuded. He crouched, with his head close into his neck. Then he thrust forward his head once more timidly, and gently smelt her, all along her body. Just beneath her ear the smell was very strange and terrifying. There was a little hole there and the rim of the hole was clotted with dried blood. As soon as he sniffed the blood, the paroxysm of fear returned. He leaped backwards, sat up on his hind legs, stared at the corpse, squealed and fled to his burrow. He lay in the innermost corner of it, panting.

For a long time he lay there, his head pressed hard against the cold earth. Then again, hunger began to gnaw at his bowels. His hunger gradually became stronger than his fear, driving out the memory of horrid, clotted blood, around the hole beneath his mother’s ear. He forgot this mother. His hunger grew fierce, drowning memory. He crawled out of the burrow.

Nigh had now fallen and the moon was out, gilding the grassy slope with a fairy light. Several rabbits from neighbouring burrows were grazing in the moonlight. Two little ones, about his own age, were chasing one another. He hopped over to them and began to nibble at the grass.

Dew was now falling on the grass, making it juicy and sweet, just like his mother’s milk. When he had eaten his fill, he joined in the dance of the other little rabbits. Now he was no longer afraid and he had completely forgotten his mother. He was one of the herd.

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英文写作老师

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