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发表于 2019-3-24 00:59
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玛格丽特•米切尔：最好的爱情和她的《飘》（九）
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本帖最后由 gracewoo22 于 2019-3-24 01:16 编辑
附文：《Gone with the wind》～ 瑞特的真情表白
She sat down, the harsh gas light falling on her white bewildered face. She looked into the eyes she knew so well—and knew so little—listened to his quiet voice saying words which at first meant nothing. This was the first time he had ever talked to her in this manner, as one human being to another, talked as other people talked, without flippancy, mockery or riddles.
“Did it ever occur to you that I loved you as much as a man can love a woman? Loved you for years before I finally got you? During the war I'd go away and try to forget you, but I couldn't and I always had to come back. After the war I risked arrest, just to come back and find you. I cared so much I believe I would have killed Frank Kennedy if he hadn't died when he did. I loved you but I couldn't let you know it. You're so brutal to those who love you, Scarlett. You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip.”
Out of it all only the fact that he loved her meant anything. At the faint echo of passion in his voice, pleasure and excitement crept back into her. She sat, hardly breathing, listening, waiting.
“I knew you didn't love me when I married you. I knew about Ashley, you see. But, fool that I was, I thought I could make you care. Laugh, if you like, but I wanted to take care of you, to pet you, to give you everything you wanted. I wanted to marry you and protect you and give you a free rein in anything that would make you happy—just as I did Bonnie. You'd had such a struggle, Scarlett. No one knew better than I what you'd gone through and I wanted you to stop fighting and let me fight for you. I wanted you to play, like a child—for you were a child, a brave, frightened, bullheaded child. I think you are still a child. No one but a child could be so headstrong and so insensitive.”
…………
It was so obvious that we were meant for each other. So obvious that I was the only man of your acquaintance who could love you after knowing you as you really are—hard and greedy and unscrupulous, like me. I loved you and I took the chance. I thought Ashley would fade out of your mind. But, ” he shrugged, “I tried everything I knew and nothing worked. And I loved you so, Scarlett. If you had only let me, I could have loved you as gently and as tenderly as ever a man loved a woman. But I couldn't let you know, for I knew you'd think me weak and try to use my love against me. And always—always there was Ashley. It drove me crazy. I couldn't sit across the table from you every night, knowing you wished Ashley was sitting there in my place. And I couldn't hold you in my arms at night and know that—well, it doesn't matter now. I wonder, now, why it hurt. That's what drove me to Belle. There is a certain swinish comfort in being with a woman who loves you utterly and respects you for being a fine gentleman—even if she is an illiterate whore. It soothed my vanity. You've never been very soothing, my dear.”
“Oh, Rhett…” she began, miserable at the very mention of Belle's name, but he waved her to silence and went on.
“And then, that night when I carried you upstairs—I thought—I hoped—I hoped so much I was afraid to face you the next morning, for fear I'd been mistaken and you didn't love me. I was so afraid you'd laugh at me I went off and got drunk. And when I came back, I was shaking in my boots and if you had come even halfway to meet me, had given me some sign, I think I'd have kissed your feet. But you didn't.”
“Oh, but Rhett, I did want you then but you were so nasty! I did want you! I think—yes, that must have been when I first knew I cared about you. Ashley—I never was happy about Ashley after that, but you were so nasty that I—”
“Oh, well, ” he said. “It seems we've been at cross purposes, doesn't it? But it doesn't matter now. I'm only telling you, so you won't ever wonder about it all. When you were sick and it was all my fault, I stood outside your door, hoping you'd call for me, but you didn't, and then I knew what a fool I'd been and that it was all over.”
He stopped and looked through her and beyond her, even as Ashley had often done, seeing something she could not see. And she could only stare speechless at his brooding face.
“But then, there was Bonnie and I saw that everything wasn't over, after all. liked to think that Bonnie was you, a little girl again, before the war and poverty had done things to you. She was so like you, so willful, so brave and gay and full of high spirits, and I could pet her and spoil her—just as I wanted to pet you. But she wasn't like you—she loved me. It was a blessing that I could take the love you didn't want and give it to her.… When she went, she took everything.
……
“How old are you, my dear? You never would tell me.”
“Twenty-eight, ” she answered dully, muffled in the handkerchief.
“That's not a vast age. It's a young age to have gained the whole world and lost your own soul, isn't it? Don't look frightened. I'm not referring to hell fire to come for your affair with Ashley. I'm merely speaking metaphorically. Ever since I've known you, you've wanted two things. Ashley and to be rich enough to tell the world to go to hell. Well, you are rich enough and you've spoken sharply to the world and you've got Ashley, if you want him. But all that doesn't seem to be enough now.”
………
“Scarlett, I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken—and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. Perhaps, if I were younger—” he sighed. “But I'm too old to believe in such sentimentalities as clean slates and starting all over. I'm too old to shoulder the burden of constant lies that go with living in polite disillusionment. I couldn't live with you and lie to you and I certainly couldn't lie to myself. I can't even lie to you now. I wish I could care what you do or where you go, but I can't.”
He drew a short breath and said lightly but softly:
“My dear, I don't give a damn.”
她坐了下来，刺眼的煤气灯光正好落在她苍白迷惑的脸上。她窥视着那双她极其熟悉又极为陌生的眼睛，倾听着他平静的声音说的一些开始时还没什么意义的话。他这一次的讲话一反常态，既没有嘻嘻哈哈的嘲弄，也没有含沙射影的哑谜，就像别的人相互交谈时那样。他用这种态度跟她说话，还是破天荒第一次。
“你有没有想过，我爱你已经到了一个男人爱一个女人的极限？你有没有想过，在得到你之前，我已经爱了你好多年？战争期间，我曾多次想远走高飞以忘掉你，可我总是忘不掉，每次都会再回来。战后，我冒着被捕的危险赶回来，也是为了要找你。而你却那么匆忙地就嫁给了弗兰克·肯尼迪，我真是嫉妒死了。倘若那次弗兰克没死，我也会杀死他的。我一直爱着你，可又不能让你知道。你对那些爱你的人实在是太残酷了，斯佳丽。你会抓住他们的爱, 把这种爱变成鞭子在他们头上挥舞。”
这番话里，只有他爱她这句话是有意义的。当她听到他的声音里飘荡着一丝微弱的激情时，她心中便重又感到一阵高兴和激动。于是她屏声敛气地坐着，静静地听着，耐心地等待着。
“你嫁给我的时候，我知道你并不爱我。因为我知道你对阿希礼的感情。但我真傻，总以为会有办法让你回心转意的。你要想笑就笑吧。我一直照料你，宠爱你，你要什么我都给你。我想和你结婚以保护你，让你处处自由、事事順心—就像后来我对美蓝那样。因为你曾经历过一番拼搏，斯佳丽。没有谁比我更清楚地知道你曾受过怎样的磨难，所以我希望你能停止战斗，让我替你战斗下去。我想让你好好地玩耍，像个孩子似的好好玩耍—因为你确实是个孩子，一个受过惊吓但仍然勇敢而倔強的孩子。我觉得现在你仍然是个孩子，因为只有孩子才会这么任性和固执。”
⋯⋯⋯
“我们俩真可以说是天生的一对，因为我和你一样，为人冷酷、贪婪而又无所顾忌。在所有你认识的人中，只有我在看清了你的真实面目之后还爱着你。我爱上了你是因为我想碰碰运气。我原以为你会慢慢忘掉阿希礼。但是，” 他耸了耸肩，“我用尽一切办法却毫无效果。过去我是那么爱你，斯佳丽，如果你给我一点机会，我本来可以非常温柔、非常体贴地爱你，超过任何一个男人对女人的爱。但我不能让你知道，因为我清楚，你会因此而觉得我软弱可欺，会利用我的爱来对付我。你总是在心里—总是在心里想着阿希礼。这简直把我气疯了。晚上我没法在餐桌旁与你面对面地坐着，因为我知道你心里一直盼着阿希礼坐在我的位子上。夜晚我也没法把你搂在怀里，因为我知道——好了，现在我无所谓了。现在我真不明白，我当时怎么会那么伤心。所以我才去找贝尔。尽管她是个不识字的妓女，但她真心实意地爱我，尊重我，把我看作一个有教养的好人。和她在一起我可以得到某种安慰，我的虚荣心可以得到某种满足。而你从来没安慰过我, 亲爱的。”
“哦，瑞特⋯⋯”一听到贝尔的名字，她便一阵难受，忍不住要插进来讲几句，但他挥了挥手让她出口，又接着说下去。
“后来，那天晚上，我把你抱上了楼——当时我想——我希望——我真是怀着满腔的希望啊，可到了第二天早晨我却不敢看你了，生怕我自己想错了，生怕你其实并不爱我，我生怕你会嘲笑我，所以我就又溜出去喝了个烂醉。我回来的时候，两只脚直发抖，那时你只要走到楼梯口来迎接我一下，稍微给我一点暗示，我就会趴下去吻你的脚的，但你并没来。”
“哦，可是瑞特，那时候我的确是想要你的，可你却那么让人恶心！那时候我的确是想要你的！我想——是的，那一定是我第一次认识到了，我是爱你的。阿希礼——自那以后，我就一直没因为阿希礼而高兴过，但你却那么让人恶心，我——”
“哦，好吧，”他说，“看来我们像是彼此误会了，是不是？不过，现在已经无所谓了。我只是想把这一切都告诉你，免得你以后疑惑不解。后来你病了，那都是我不好，所以我就站在你的房门外，希望你能喊我一声，可你没有喊。这时我才明白自己傻得出奇，一切都完了。”
他停了下来，带着阿希礼曾有的那种眼光越过她朝前面望着，仿佛看到了什么她看不到的东西，而她却只能默默无言地盯着他那张沉思的脸。
“但那时候因为美蓝还在，所以我又觉得一切还没有都完。我喜欢把她想成你，想象着你又成了一个没有经过战争磨难和贫困煎熬的小女孩。她是那么像你，任性、勇敢、欢乐、兴致勃勃，所以我总是宠爱她、纵容她— 正像我想宠爱你一样。但有一点她不像你—她是爱我的。我能将你不要的爱拿去给她，这也算是我的一点福分吧⋯⋯可她一死，把一切都带走了。”
………
“你今年多大了，亲爱的？以前你总是不愿告诉我。”
“二十八。”她用手绢捂着嘴，闷闷地回答道。
“这还算不上很大。对一个获得了整个世界而失去了灵魂的人来说，这个年纪还年轻着呢，是不是？不要做出一副受惊的样子。我所说的失去灵魂，并不是说你和阿希礼私通就会受到地狱之火的煎熬。这只不过是我的一种比喻。自从我认识你，你一直想得到两样东西。一是阿希礼，二是很多很多钱，那样可以让世上的人统统见鬼去。现在你已经有了很多的钱，对世人说话也够刻薄了。你也可以得到阿希礼了，如果你还要他的话。可现在看来，这一切又都不够了。”
……
“斯佳丽，我从来没耐心把已经破碎的布捡起来再拼在一起，然后对自己说, 这件补好的衣服跟新的一样好。破碎的总是破碎的—我宁愿记住它破碎以前的样子，也不愿意补好后一辈子看那些补丁。如果我年轻一些，或许…”他叹了口气，可现在我都快老了，再也不会相信‘摒弃前嫌，一切重新开始’之类的说法了，再也无力承受因为一直生活在温文尔雅的幻灭中而一直说谎的负担了。过去跟你生活在一起，我既不能对你说谎，也不能对自己说谎。就算是现在，我也不能对你说谎。对你的未来，我要是能继续关心就好了，可我已经不能了。”
他快速地吸了口气，轻松而柔和地说：“我才不在乎呢，亲爱的。” |
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北京之行FB记(内含图片不过没有做法)之三 (2005-1-18) cheers 
楼主:gracewoo22
发表于 2019-3-23 22:29
谢谢您{:12_794:} 
