英文作文点评贴 -- 欢迎足友提交

movielover

洋八路 发表于 2015-11-29 22:33
这个阶段不建议读范文，读多了，又没有思想和创意，会非常死板。而且如果所谓的范文不是什么名家作品，只 ...

很同意你的观点，要想提高写作要多读名家的作品。你说到的作家的‘声音频率’这一点很有意思。我女儿有段时间对哈里波特系列特别感兴趣，反反复复地读，后来看她写的故事都是魔法potion之类的。我希望她多读些别的作家的文章，就把哈里波特的书藏起来了。现在她喜欢读Jackie French的小说，还特别喜欢看Wimpy Kids，前几天她读了几本Kate Dicamillo的书也特别喜欢。想请教一下你对不同的作家声音频率有什么总结吗？

刚刚翻到一篇女儿年初写的recount，当时８岁半，Year 4。隐去了真实姓名，多谢指教！

Today was Friday, extraordinary school day. We had another school excursion, in a row to the one to the temple. This one went to.....guess!!! Okay, you win. The beach!!! In terrifying weather. It was 19 degrees Celsius, and that was only the air temperature! The sea temperature was technically 16 degrees Celsius, and I didn't even bring a school jacket!!! Whoopee!!! Get ready for a cold one.

The bus dropped us off on the green grassy bank which towered a little over the cold sand. We were chattering as the wind blew in our faces. We dropped our bags off at the shelter, and we walked, already pale blue in the faces and hands and feet. We waddled to the slimy pool. The rocky edge of the pool was practically covered in slimy green slime, which wavered evilly in the freezing waters. We slid nervously into the water, and screamed out loud, yelping in terror. This water terrified us. It was the coldest, most freezing water I have ever felt. The worst pool. Hey, maybe the rocky edges could be cleaner. The green slime was the most awful thing. And the worst thing was, sometimes a bit of evil green slime would pick off the walls, and slowly a new patch grew, but the old patch was washed around in the freezing waters, and sometimes would scare you by brushing against your legs, making you think it was an angry bluebottle you had annoyed. There was one bluebottle in there, that nearly stung me, but I leaped out of the water in a wink. Others were terrified and chattering as we leaped out of the freezing pool. We practically pushed others out of the way to rush to the steps which were also covered in green slime. Ew. We cowered as our feet touched the ugly green slime covering the pool steps. We raced up the steps, and ran to the welcoming sand, yellow in peace. We spent the whole ten minutes picking off that ugly green slime from the heels of our feet, from walking on the sticky steps.

Now it’s the surfing time. Donna was never quite a good swimmer. She spluttered when she went over the tiniest wave possible. Donna began to sob and cry, and Katie rumoured Donna was crying for her mummy, and giggled at her Egyptian joke. I stayed serious as Donna was technically carried by Mrs XXX all the way to the shelter, and Donna was seriously crying and sobbing, muttering sad remarks. The surfing instructor nudged me to get on the board, and I, terrified and shocked, went on the board, in horror and terror. As I went through the first wave, the water went totally over my head. Luckily, my eyes were tight shut, my mouth was tight closed, and my left hand was shutting up my open nostrils. Only a little saltwater escaped into my mouth, but I spat it out quickly in the calmer waters. The next wave was a biggie. They went splat as they banged against my body. I spluttered, for my nose was not shut. I spent the whole time sailing in the calmer waters spitting out that horrible saltwater in my nostrils. Then the biggest, most gigantic wave ever. It did what I didn't expect. It just sort of fell down a little and let me pass over calmly. But I wasn't calm and confused for long. When the surfing instructor swung me around, I was only clear to one thing. I was very scared. All the other things in my mind were totally blurry, washed out, drained out by the strong waters. My board was so pushy as it pushed to the shore. The fin on the bottom stuck into the sand and held, and I gratefully got off, dusted off the sand, squeezed the water out of my hair, and joined the end of the line, needing no questions.

Then I did my second surf, which was just as terrifying as the first surf, except a little less terrifying because I already had done it once, and my confidence had risen-a little weeny teeny bit. Jane and the other kids who weren't allowed to swim were supposed to be gathered up into the shelter, but they insisted to stay and watch the surfers on the cold sand, so the teachers shrugged and left them there, and waddled back to the shelter to drink some coffee in a nice teacher mug. Ah. I dreamed of that as I waited patiently for my next surfing turn.

My third, fourth and fifth surfs weren't extraordinary, not really, but my sixth, my last surf was the one I will always remember. The surfing instructor lifted me right over the first wave. She did same for the second wave. But on the third wave, it seemed like the surfing instructor let go of my board, but I didn't get washed back to shore, so she definitely was holding the board. Then she turned me around, and called "Get ready for a big one, kid!!!" This gigantic angry wave with tossing white froth whirling at the top pushed on my pushy board, and I was literally flying through the water. Katie was lying with Jane on the sand, but as I came whooshing towards them, about to cut them through, they leaped up, grabbing their buttocks and running away from my cutting pushy board. That wave was gigantic, I remember saying to Jane later. I said "At first I thought the surfing instructor was crazy, letting me handle such big and angry as a wave as that!!!" Jane agreed "I thought she was crazy for nearly killing us. If we hadn't moved, your crazy board would have cut all of us, slashing us with that terrible force. I agreed that she was absolutely crazy. "The surfing instructor was walking to the shelter, half drunkenly from the dizzy waters, and drunkenly walked, staggering, into the teachers coffee room to drink some coffee, but Jane bet the surfing instructor was going to drink some whiskey.

Mr XXX sorted out all of the missing and extra clothes, and settled down crying Donna. Donna was still sobbing over the surfing fiasco, and now even Mr XXX was getting snappy and sharp. I changed into my sports uniform, tucked in my bag. We slapped on our hats, zipped up our swimming bags and walked to the warm bus. The bus was like heaven to us. The driver was complaining about the heater's heat, but we loved it. I sat with Jane, and we settled into a game of Fly Traps.

A long, great day at the beach. And I guess I might try surfing again, at my next opportunity, like today. Phew.

daniel2008

8岁半能写那么长的文章了。 厉害啊。

movielover

daniel2008 发表于 2015-12-18 14:21
8岁半能写那么长的文章了。 厉害啊。

这篇不算长，我经常对她说能不能写得简洁一些。

casussing

movielover 发表于 2015-12-18 11:50
很同意你的观点，要想提高写作要多读名家的作品。你说到的作家的‘声音频率’这一点很有意思。我女儿有段 ...

好厉害，写得真好。8岁半4年级是跳级了吗

洋八路

Onesteptwosteps 发表于 2015-12-17 22:56
请大师指点

谢谢你提交作文，你小孩写的非常好，有创建‘场景’的能力，就是通常说的对写作有‘天份’，可以试着写小小说了。

优点：

1.        对场景和人物描述到位，有现场感。
2.        对话和叙述和描写自然‘交叉’，有‘专业写作’的影子。
3.        尤其可贵的是，一个小孩写出了大人的情感。

小小改进：

1.        ‘Causing a sense of peace of tranquillity, 有点跳出Hailey的‘Point of view’, 感觉是作者本人的sense.
2.        ‘unaware of the silence that fell around her’, 这个也跳出了’Hailey‘的sense. 因为如果Hailey没有意识到安静，那么她自己不知道，就最好不写。如果你要写安静，你要让主人公自己意识到安静。读者读的时候想象自己是Hailey，如果作者途中出来‘说话’，会产生‘author intrusion’, 中断读者的想象。这就象看电视剧，你正身历其境，这时旁边有人给你解说，你会觉得是‘噪音’。
3.        其他的看改进部分，在逻辑细节上稍微补充一下。

While She Was Washing the Dishes - Family version

Hailey Donovan quietly hummed along to Adele's new song ‘Hello’ as she did the dishes. With the back door open and the light summer breeze drifting in, she was enjoying a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Hailey had always lived a quiet, no drama life with her two kids and husband in a nice neighborhood, and she never wanted much more.

Suddenly Tyler, her youngest child, came blubbering into the kitchen. “MOMMY!!! Jessie is being mean to meeeeee!”

“It’s ok, honey. You know she’s just joking around,’ Harley replied, wiping one hand against the apron, ruffling Tyler’s sandy hair. ‘Honey, go to play with Daddy.’

‘No, no, Jessie is so mean to meeeeee!’

At last, from the stuffed toy basket Hailey produced a bubble blower. “Here, go play with this,” she sent Tyler on his way.

The sweet quietness fell around her again. She kept scrubbing the dishes, lulling herself into a ‘dish-washing daze’, which was then stirred up by a strong citrusy scent.

‘Strange…’ she thought, and sniffing, slowly followed the smell outside, where the sun was slowly setting.

Her jaw dropped as she stepped into the backyard, where her two kids and her husband sat on the grass, staring at the hundreds of lemony smelling bubbles drifting across the pinkish blue sky.

THIS, she thought, was beautiful. She leaned against the doorframe to admire the beauty of the moment, only for it to be lost when Tyler, seeing her, at once jumped up and yelled, ‘MUMMY, IS IT DINNER TIME???”

----------------



第二版本也好，不过在逻辑和前景设置上同‘恐怖剧情’有矛盾，太‘跳’。

1.  故事开头要营造‘不详’气氛，想出一个理由。
2. 主人公看到恐怖事件的反应必须是真实可信的。


看下面改进版本，供参考。

While She Was Washing the Dishes - Horror version

Hailey Donovan was washing the dishes. With the back door open and the light summer breeze drifting in, she should enjoy a sense of peace and tranquility as usual. But this morning she couldn’t, because her mind was replaying the horror movie Andrew had persuaded her to watch last night.

Suddenly she heard a thump outside, where her kids and husband were playing. Dropping the towel she was holding she crept towards the back door.

A feeling of dread started to wash over her, as if her gut instinct already knew what must have happened, even if her brain didn’t.

Goosebumps tingled on her skin as a sickening, citrusy perfume assailing her nostrils. Then half way on the backyard she halted abruptly at the sight of a horrible scene, made an ear-piercing shriek, and ran to the trampoline where Jessie and Tyler and Andrew were all lying motionless, with blood smearing their face and cloth, dripping through the trampoline.

‘Tyler, Jessie…’ she cried out, pulling each of her loved ones, but none of them responding. ‘Ah…’ she fainted, crouching over the trampoline, melting down to the grass.

Then after how long she didn’t know, she felt a shiver running down her spine. Her sense being recovered, she began to scream, “MURDER!!! SOMEBODY HEL-”

But her voice was cut short by a gloved, squashing hand over her mouth. She struggled and looked up to see the flashing green eyes she would know anywhere; her step-sister, Allison’s.

Then Hailey felt a sharp pain in her head. Her vision blurred red and her world slowly faded away.

---------------------

movielover

casussing 发表于 2015-12-18 15:57
好厉害，写得真好。8岁半4年级是跳级了吗

谢谢鼓励。没有跳级，就是上学比较早。

SmithN

movielover 发表于 2015-12-18 11:50
很同意你的观点，要想提高写作要多读名家的作品。你说到的作家的‘声音频率’这一点很有意思。我女儿有段 ...

抱歉，实在没法看完。太boring了。这么多字的文章吸引人才能看完。太累赘啰嗦，精简到1/3可能差不多。这是最大的问题。

casussing

movielover 发表于 2015-12-18 16:06
谢谢鼓励。没有跳级，就是上学比较早。

澳洲也允许上学这么早吗？那就等于4岁读prep呢

Onesteptwosteps

Thank you for going over my two stories; it's greatly appreciated. The parts that you changed for the Family Version were rewritten very well. Adele is a famous singer that wrote a popular song called 'Hello', not Hailey's husband, Andrew. Thank you once again for taking your time to edit my stories.

Onesteptwosteps

谢谢大师。改过的部份及细节的加入让人觉得更真实自然

hwll

真是热心老师啊，我也来凑个热闹， 请老师帮忙看看刚刚kindy毕业的小朋友今天写的小story。很多错别字  我修改了错别字打出来的，不然估计都没人能看懂

很像大灰狼小白兔的故事

Once upon a time there lived four turtles. One was called Fluffy which was the cleverest. One was called Monkey Donkey which was the cheekiest. One was called Talky which was a chatter box. And at last one was called Annabelle, which was the biggest.  

They were doing homework but suddenly somebody was knocking their door. It was a monster and it sounded like mummy turtle. Fluffy said, "it is not mummy! I think it is a MONSTER there!". " It must be right," said the three turtles because mummy is already home.  Fluffy shouted to the monster and the monster ran away.

是不是小朋友都喜欢用 once upon a time 啊，我看他们写故事都用这个开头，有点千篇一律的感觉

洋八路

movielover 发表于 2015-12-18 11:50
很同意你的观点，要想提高写作要多读名家的作品。你说到的作家的‘声音频率’这一点很有意思。我女儿有段 ...

谢谢Movielover提交作文。

一个人的写作‘声音’比较个人的，感觉的。不好总结和描述。语速快慢，字句长短组合在不同场景下都会不同。不是说一个作家只有一种‘频率’。象唱歌，快慢，高低，你只会觉得好听不好听。。。

小孩多阅读时是写作的基础。从你小孩的文章来看，文字是有功底的，4年级学生真的很能写。

优点：

1. 每个句子看都不错，写的就是‘心里要说’的，让人感觉自然。
2. 词汇量丰富，很会用复合句。
3. 文章很有’激情‘
4. 很有幽默感。

改进：

1. 虽然是recount，但也是可以写的生动一点，特出有趣的重点，避免重复。
2. 注意分段落，长短句交叉，让读者有喘气的机会 - 当然，关键时刻也不能让读者’喘气‘ 。。
3. 记得添加对话，增加场景感，适时切换读者的感官使用，减少boring的机会。


下面是修改后的版本（供参考）


Today was Friday, an extraordinary school day. We had another school excursion. This one went to.....guess!!! Okay, you win. The beach!!! In terrifying weather. It was 19 degrees Celsius, and that was only the air temperature! The sea was technically at 16, and I didn't even bring a school jacket!!! Whoopee!!! Get ready for a cold one.

The bus dropped us off on the grassy bank which towered a little over the sand. We chattered and laughed, the wind blowing our faces cold. After dropping our bags off at the shelter, we waddled to the pool, and soon all our skin turned pale blue.

The rocky edges of the pool were covered with thick green slimes, wavering evilly in the water. Nervously we slid down, screaming out loud, yelping in terror, in the coldest, most freezing water I have ever felt. The slime was awful. It would pick off the walls, and scare you by brushing against your legs, making you think it was an angry bluebottle you had annoyed.

But this time, it was real.

‘Bluebottle, bluebottle,’ I cried sharply as I saw a silvery sludge climbing my legs, and in a wink I leapt out of the water.

Others, also terrified, pushed each other out of the way. One slipped down from the rock; ah, nobody helped her! She had to use all her own limbs and strength to reach the sand, which was so welcoming, yellow in peace, and where we spent the whole ten minutes picking off that ugly slime from our feet.

Now it’s the surfing time. Donna was never quite a good swimmer. She spluttered when she went over the tiniest wave. And soon she began to sob and cry. Katie rumoured she was crying for her mummy, and giggled at her Egyptian joke, while I stayed serious as Donna was being carried by Mr XXX all the way to the shelter. Now the surfing instructor nudged me to get on the board, and in horror and terror I got on the board. The first wave went totally over my head. Lucky, my eyes were tight shut, my mouth tight closed, my left hand pinching tight my nose. But still a little water had escaping into my mouth. I spat it out quickly before the next coming wave, which was such a biggie that it banged splat against my body, and caused the loss of my control of my nose. The saltwater was flooded in. I spluttered and choking breathlessly, retreated to the waters I thought calmer and spent the whole time spitting out that bitter and salty. Then opening my eyes I saw the biggest, most gigantic wave ever rushing towards me. I ran, but too late, I was struck down and completely drowned. I had lost my head. I was sure I was going to die, until I felt a hand grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the water.

Sitting on the safe sand for so long, my mind was still blurry, my teeth chattering, my hands helplessly shaking, giving no reply to Jane and the other kids who weren't allowed to swim. In the shelter the teachers were drinking coffee. I could almost see the steam swirling out of their mugs.

Ah, what a dream if I could have that…

Slowly the warmth and spirit crept back to me. I began to dust off the sand, squeeze the water out of my hair, and you know what, I was ready for my second surf!

And I even did the third, the fourth and the fifth, getting better and better. But my sixth was extraordinary.

"Get ready for a big one, kid!!!" The instructor was shouting on the top of her voice.

This gigantic, angry wave with tossing white froth whirling at the top pushed on my board. And less than a second I was flying through the water towards the shore, where Katie was lying with Jane. I went whooshing in their direction, but I couldn't stop. Screaming they leapt up, grabbing their buttocks and running away from the my cutting board.

Later resting on the sand I said to Jane, "The instructor was crazy, letting me handle such a big and angry wave as that!!!" And Jane agreed, “I thought she was crazy for letting you nearly kill us. If we hadn't moved, your board would have slashed us pieces with that terrible force."

As we talked, the instructor was walking to the shelter, half drunken from the dizzy waters. And drunkenly she walked, staggering into the shelter where the other teachers all lazily drank coffee. But Jane bet that the instructor was going to drink whiskey.

Mr XXX sorted out all of the missing and extra clothes, and settled down Donna, who was still sobbing over her surfing fiasco, and now even Mr XXX was getting snappy and sharp.

The warm bus was like heaven to us. The driver was complaining about the heater's heat, but we loved it. I sat with Jane, and we settled into a game of Fly Traps.

A long, great day at the beach. And I guess I might try surfing again, at my next opportunity, like today. Phew.

清咖一杯

洋八路中英文俱佳啊，能说说你的背景吗？

洋八路

hwll 发表于 2015-12-18 22:42
真是热心老师啊，我也来凑个热闹， 请老师帮忙看看刚刚kindy毕业的小朋友今天写的小story。很多错别字  ...

你好，Hwll, 一个Kindy毕业的小孩写成这样很不错了。至于，once upon a time这个没有关系，小孩的口吻而已。只要他愿意，你经常可以用这个开头来引导他讲故事。

这个时期叫他多注意书写和标点符号（字母间空格，字间空格，行间空格，清楚的标点符号）。这个相当不容易，要单独训练 （比如一天只叫他清清楚楚抄写5个句子，给予奖励，坚持一段时间，慢慢形成习惯）


修改版本

-----

Once upon a time there lived four young turtles. One was called Fluffy which was the cleverest. One was called Monkey Donkey which was the cheekiest. One was called Talky which was a chatter box. And at last one was called Annabelle, which was the biggest.  

They were doing homework but suddenly somebody was knocking their door.

"It sounded like Mummy," said Monkey Donkey, crawling to open the door.

"No, it is not Mummy!" Fluffy bit the tail of Monkey Donkey to stop him. 'It is not mummy! I think it is a MONSTER there!".

"It must be right," said Annabelle, 'I saw Mummy was already home and asleep.'  

'It is so scary, let's wake up Mummy,' trembled the Talky.

'Why Mummy,' said the biggest Annabelle, 'Let's go and shout together at the MONSTER.'

At the door they had ONE giant voice and the monster ran away.

-----

movielover

洋八路 发表于 2015-12-20 12:48
谢谢Movielover提交作文。

一个人的写作‘声音’比较个人的，感觉的。不好总结和描述。语速快慢，字句长 ...

多谢！您的点评很到位。以后要提醒她多分段，增加人物对话。修改的版本中有不少句子值得学习。谢谢啦！

movielover

casussing 发表于 2015-12-18 19:14
澳洲也允许上学这么早吗？那就等于4岁读prep呢

四岁半上的Kindy，在新南威尔士州只要在当年的７月３１号前满５岁就可以入学。

快乐的小旗

凑个热闹, prep 小朋友的小文, 5岁

What I want to be

When I am in high school, I want to be a football player. At university, I want to be an artist. When I am a Dad, I want to be a chef.

My favourite job is being a Dad. Because I want four kids - two boys and two girls, I can play football with the boys and draw pictures with the girls. And then I can do the cooking, their Mum does nothing.

Tomorr

Tomorr 发表于 2015-12-16 07:35
谢谢你的指导，我会和孩子一起学习。

Roro， Year 1
参照以前你点评范文My Special Day而写的；请费心指导。谢谢老师！

The School Carnival

My exciting day was the school carnival celebration because there are extremely fun activities like Shot Put.

The first race was a 60 m. Sprint. I was in the first heat. When I heard we were being timed， I felt the pressure was on.“BANG！”，the gun fired. I started to sprint off the starting line and ran as fast as I can and passed all other competitors. That was competitive and I finished first. The nest activity was Shot Put. It was interesting where we did it，because the site liked a giant net. Shot Put was going really fast it was like one mintute inside when it was my turn. I pushed the ball hard as I could. I was surprised how far it went. It went over 4.58 meters. And it beat the grade record. Then I went to the next event. The next event is Long Jump. I was last in the line，and the coach was measuring the students' result.“Ready！Set！Go！” I ran as fast as the wind and leapped towards the sky from the jumping pad. My measurement was 2.67 metre. It was a Personal Best for me！The class cheered for each other as we participated each event.

It was a wondetful carnival for everyone.I felt very satisfied because I have achieved a PB in Long Jump and broke a Grade Record in Shot Put. I am very pleased for what I did at the carnival. I hope I can do better in Shot Put next year.

SmithN

听着不那么可信啊，一年级，铅球九米多，跳远三米四，这是全省第一或全国第一啊。

Tomorr

SmithN 发表于 2015-12-22 19:04
听着不那么可信啊，一年级，铅球九米多，跳远三米四，这是全省第一或全国第一啊。 ...

对不起，小孩写东西，没注意用一心想。刚更正。

SmithN

其实不是数字的问题，是究竟文章是自己的真实感受，还是全篇都是抄的。

jessie102

我也想给孩子提高一下写作 但是他写的实在太少了

boczqb

请老师帮忙看看, 刚刚Year 3 毕业的小朋友写的.多谢点评指教！
Rachel, 8, Year 3

The Amazing Shot

One day a girl named Caitlin went to her basketball game. As usual she started on the bench. Her team was taking the lead at two points. Suddenly, the other team got a goal. Everyone was on the edge of their seats, it was getting exciting. We got a goal, they got a goal. Then for eight minutes until half time no one got a goal. But with ten seconds on the clock, the other team had the ball Oh no! They got a goal. Luckily it was only half time.

Then, Caitlin was on! Her best, friend, who was on her team tipped the ball to her. She turned to her end and had a shot. ..... miss. Her best friend rebounded the ball, then shot .... .in! Caitlin played the rest of the game. The other team was winning, but only by one point. The other team had a shot, Caitlin jumped up as high as she could, then got the ball and threw it down her end and ...... Wow! It was in!

Caitlin was really proud and happy. she had won!

By Radical Rachel

hwll

快乐的小旗 发表于 2015-12-21 15:37
凑个热闹, prep 小朋友的小文, 5岁

What I want to be

哈哈好可爱啊

kamkon

謝謝

wong29

谢谢。儿子，五年级。

烦请点评！

The Ghost in the Altic

Some things just area too frightning to even think of. It was school holiday so Jack called his friend, Joshua. At about 9:00 am he came. Jack and Joshua sprint down the stairs to the basement since it was very cool there. They played table tennis and when the got bored , they went up. They strolled up the curly stairs and into Jack's bedroom. Jack ran to his lucky side of the table soccer and suggested that they should play table soccer. unsurprisingly, Jack won. Next they both decided to paly tennis. Joshua came jumping down but just as he got to the basement, he tripped over something hard. It was a trap door. The opened and it showed a ladder down to somewhere. Joshua with loads of curricusness, asked "lets go down here. It looks like an attic. Have you been down here? "Okay, I know and no". Jack answered Joshua went down the ladder first and Jack followed him.

It was dark at first but when their eyes got used to it, it wasn't anymore. They went wild and started searching for treasures. Later when Jas was about to tell Joshua that it is time to go, he found out that Joshua wasn't beside him anymore. A shiver went down Jack's neck. He called "Joshua! W-w-h-h-h ere are you?". He heard nothing but instead he saw a ghost. He thought it was fake at first but then he still ran. He quickly dimbed up the ladder and shut the door.Öh no! Joshua still down there!" Jack remembered. "what should I do"?



This time Jack bravely climbed down the ladder again and searched. He saw the ghost gain, but this time he did not ran away. He did a mighty punch at the ghast. Surprisingly, it actually hit it. "Wow", called a voice. A person came out of the ghost. It was Joshua.



"Why did you hit me?" Joshua asked. "You know that ghost aren't real"  "But,,,"Jack numbled "I think we should get out of her now!" Joshua said quickly. They climbred up the ladder and close the trapdoor. "What a long day!" Jack thought.

SmithN

kamkon 发表于 2015-12-23 23:29
year 10 請幫忙點評，謝謝

Some people think that using animals for experimentation purpose is cruel, ...

说实话，很差，很差。用的ENGLISH是BROKEN的，内容是不够强的。
这个10年级学生来澳洲多久了？1年？半年？三个月？
可以自己比较一下几天前的那个家庭恐怖故事，就在前两页。差距太大了。
现阶段可能都用不着LZ更专业的点评，先在基本功上下大功夫吧。

LindsayD

感谢分享

snowolivia

:) 好主意

huang89