Please correct this paragraph. I see at least 7 mistakes

gorilla

The purpose of this game is not to decide which one is the best team, but provide a chance to have a difference experience of DOTA. We focus on providing a chance to improve the new player, and we reduce the entry fee for that as well. So, as long as you are interesting in DOTA, you can join the game with your friends.

avatar

好多错，最大的错误是表达意思不清，主语乱变，对称结构不对称。

gorilla

原帖由 avatar 于 2010-9-28 17:41 发表
好多错，最大的错误是表达意思不清，主语乱变，对称结构不对称。

would you mind to re-write？
这是一个网吧的news,就这么生生的在网上Post

avatar

但是不知道他本身要表达什么意思呢:o :o

jasonliu234

have different experience

improve 后面跟事情，不跟人

you are interested in。。

not to decide。。。也许可以改成determine

jasonliu234

意思 还是基本清楚

就是不在乎谁是最好的，重在参与。提供 提高的机会，还能降低申请费。

gorilla

原帖由 avatar 于 2010-9-28 17:47 发表
但是不知道他本身要表达什么意思呢:o :o

netcafe is holding up a warcraft3 tournament, this is the adv for the event

tracychen_2000

1. "but provide a chance " 应该是“but to provide”
2. "to have a difference experience of DOTA" , 应该是 different。  “experience” 在作经历解时，是可以说an experience . 另外，那个介词 of 换成 with 会不会好点？
3. "We focus on" 既然前面是在说目的，那这里何不改成“we intend to"
4. “provide a chance” 改成"an opportunity” 会好点吗？
5. ”to improve the new player“ 应该需要说明是要提高新人的素质，还是增加新人的数量？句意不明。
6. ”and we reduce the entry fee for that as well.“ “for that” 两个字可以删了吧。
7. “are interesting in DOTA” 改成 interested.
8 "you can join the game" 能用join 吗？我初中老师估计会跳出来说，用play the game

[ 本帖最后由 tracychen_2000 于 2010-9-28 22:46 编辑 ]