My story

zhexen

When I tried to work out the plan for my next decade after completing a long and exhausting project, I was surprised with shocks.  Based on the development mode of China and the mandatory birth control policy, I found with fears that my hometown might be in a big and despairing economic trouble.  What should I do?  If I didn’t have the power to save my hometown; the only thing I could do something to save myself is emigration.

Why I chose Victoria

When I thought about the emigration, there were two optional destinations, Canada and Australia.  As so many computer engineers gathered and competed with each other in the North America and my English was not quite well at that time, I thought it was very hard for me to find a sound job as a software developer there.  On the other hand, Australia as one of the youngest countries in the world thirsted for kinds of skilled people.  I believed I could find my stage in Australia.  I also prefer the warm climate in Australia than the cold climate in the Canada.  So I chose Australia as my destination.

But which city of Australia should I migrate to?  There were two optional destinations as well, Sydney and Melbourne.  Sydney could provide more opportunities to my career.  Melbourne could add more cultural flavours to my life.  Both of these two metropolises were wonderful places to be.  However, as I had spent more than 30 years in Beijing, I really felt exhausted with crowds.  Therefore, Melbourne won my heart because of her quiet and peace.

How I got here

Migration was not an easy task for Chinese.  First, China is one of the high-risk countries.  I had to prepare more documents before I could lodge my immigration Visa application.  Those unkind bureaucrats of Chinese made it tougher for me to those documents.  Second, reading and understanding all requirements correctly and doing all the paper works accurately in different application procedures in English were really difficult and painful tasks for Chinese.  

Quite a lot of my compatriots appealed to migration agencies.  Yes, it is an easy way.  Sign a contract with an agency, then you can have a rest and don’t need worry too much about it.  However, I didn’t want to do so.  I knew there would be lots of challenges awaiting me on my migration way, for example job hunting.  If I could not get the PR Visa myself, how could I expect to win other challenges later?  I decided to treat the PR Visa application as an examination.  If I couldn’t pass the examination, it was better for me to give up the migration as early as possible.  Fortunately, I succeeded.

Finding work

Although the money I brought here could support me to live in Melbourne for almost one year without any incomes, I was eager to find a job as soon as possible because I was an application system developer.  The IT technologies always evolute at an amazing speed.  If I wasn’t in the workplace for a little bit longer, I must have been full of an out-of-date and stale smell for those picky employers.  

Many people said job hunting was extremely hard for the new immigrants.  To some extent, they were correct.  However, I didn’t regard the job hunting in a relative short period as an impossible mission.  I sent out 20 job applications in total.  Then I got one contract in the first month I arrived in Australia.  The advice from me is “update your resume and write the cover letter based on the requirement of each position”.  Developing one set of general-propose resume and cover letter and sending them to every potential opportunities can let you apply hundreds of positions within one day.  But it is just like shooting without aiming.  The more possible results of those hundreds of applications are ruins of hundreds of opportunities.

What I love about Victoria

Once you don’t need to worry about bread and butter, it is very easy for you to love Victoria.  

I love her peace life, her cosy life style, her spectacular scenery, and her kind people.

What do you love about Victoria?  Come here, find it yourself!

卡落琳0000

故事写得不错(paopaobing(3))

bulaohu

以下标红的是我认为可以改进的地方，直率莫怪。


My story


When I tried to work out the plan for my next decade after completing a long and exhausting project, I was surprised with shocks.  Based on the development mode of China and the mandatory birth control policy, I found with fears that my hometown might be in a big and despairing economic trouble.  What should I do?  If I didn’t have the power to save my hometown; the only thing I could do something to save myself is emigration.

Why I chose Victoria

When I thought about the emigration, there were two optional destinations, Canada and Australia.  As so many computer engineers gathered and competed with each other in the North America and my English was not quite well at that time, I thought it was very hard for me to find a sound job as a software developer there.  On the other hand, Australia as one of the youngest countries in the world thirsted for kinds of skilled people.  I believed I could find my stage in Australia.  I also prefer the warm climate in Australia than the cold climate in the Canada.  So I chose Australia as my destination.

But which city of Australia should I migrate to?  There were two optional destinations as well, Sydney and Melbourne.  Sydney could provide more opportunities to my career.  Melbourne could add more cultural flavours to my life.  Both of these two metropolises were wonderful places to be.  However, as I had spent more than 30 years in Beijing, I really felt exhausted with crowds.  Therefore, Melbourne won my heart because of her quiet and peace.

How I got here

Migration was not an easy task for Chinese.  First, China is one of the high-risk countries.  I had to prepare more documents before I could lodge my immigration Visa application.  Those unkind bureaucrats of Chinese made it tougher for me to those documents.  Second, reading and understanding all requirements correctly and doing all the paper works accurately in different application procedures in English were really difficult and painful tasks for Chinese.  

Quite a lot of my compatriots appealed to migration agencies.  Yes, it is an easy way.  Sign a contract with an agency, then you can have a rest and don’t need worry too much about it.  However, I didn’t want to do so.  I knew there would be lots of challenges awaiting me on my migration way, for example job hunting.  If I could not get the PR Visa myself, how could I expect to win other challenges later?  I decided to treat the PR Visa application as an examination.  If I couldn’t pass the examination, it was better for me to give up the migration as early as possible.  Fortunately, I succeeded.

Finding work

Although the money I brought here could support me to live in Melbourne for almost one year without any incomes, I was eager to find a job as soon as possible because I was an application system developer.  The IT technologies always evolute at an amazing speed.  If I wasn’t in the workplace for a little bit longer, I must have been full of an out-of-date and stale smell for those picky employers.  

Many people said job hunting was extremely hard for the new immigrants.  To some extent, they were correct.  However, I didn’t regard the job hunting in a relative short period as an impossible mission.  I sent out 20 job applications in total.  Then I got one contract in the first month I arrived in Australia.  The advice from me is “update your resume and write the cover letter based on the requirement of each position”.  Developing one set of general-propose resume and cover letter and sending them to every potential opportunities can let you apply hundreds of positions within one day.  But it is just like shooting without aiming.  The more possible results of those hundreds of applications are ruins of hundreds of opportunities.

What I love about Victoria

Once you don’t need to worry about bread and butter, it is very easy for you to love Victoria.  

I love her peace life, her cosy life style, her spectacular scenery, and her kind people.

What do you love about Victoria?  Come here, find it yourself!

zhexen

谢谢版主指正。

可否针对一二可改进处，给出点建议呢？

谢谢啦。

似乎还不够资格给不捞虎版主加分。。。

canyon

我对bulaohu的崇拜已经到了乾坤大挪移的第七层了

bulaohu

原帖由 zhexen 于 2010-2-11 20:56 发表
谢谢版主指正。

可否针对一二可改进处，给出点建议呢？

谢谢啦。

似乎还不够资格给不捞虎版主加分。。。

不客气，咱们互相学习

你对哪个不明白的就问吧，太多了我没法一个个地讲我的意见

zhexen

原帖由 bulaohu 于 2010-2-11 21:41 发表


不客气，咱们互相学习

你对哪个不明白的就问吧，太多了我没法一个个地讲我的意见

谢谢版主。那我就不客气了。

1. Migration was not an easy task for Chinese.
应该用什么词来表达中国人呢？

2. First, China is。。。Second, reading andunderstanding。。。
是应该用Firstly与Secondly，并去掉逗号吗？

3. Quite a lot of my compatriots appealed to migration agencies.  Yes, it isan easy way.  
easy在这里有什么不妥的吗？有什么词能替换它呢？

就先问这三个问题吧。:)

bulaohu

1. Either "a Chinese" or "Chinese citizens" or "the Chinese".

2. Firstly, Secondly. Comma should stay.

3. "Appeal to" is better substituted by "approach", or "hire", or "use". Easy is not 地道, because you're actually making a comparison here, so you should use "easier" rather than "easy". This is one of the classic traps for Chinese speakers.

avatars

我简单扫了一下，感觉楼主的英文还是比较   的，不说惯用法和时态，就是语义逻辑上都有点不通。拿第一段为例：

When I tried to work out the plan for my next decade after completing a long and exhausting project, I was surprised with shocks.  这个跟你做了这个项目有关系吗？是这个项目引起的吗？下面完全没有关系啊。When 这里引导一个进行时态从句更好，比如When I was trying to .....，主句从句都用一般过去时很奇怪。

Based on the development mode of China and the mandatory birth control policy, I found with fears that my hometown might be in a big and despairing economic trouble.  

Based引导的短语的逻辑主语就是主句主语，所以就变成了 I based on ....., I found...这个怎么可能呢，是你的结论based 在什么基础上，而不是你自己。这里mode用model，发展模式，时态上来，用将来比较好，至少要might get into trouble，因为是你估计尚未发生的事情，直接说might be是对那个时刻状态的判断。mandatory用在这里也不好，但是我的水平只能感觉到不好，说不出怎么改。

What should I do?  If I didn’t have the power to save my hometown; the only thing I could do something to save myself is emigration.
这里又变成了现在时，到底是你当时在自问，还是现在问的？If I didnt have在这里有什么必要吗，如果我没有能力救我的故乡，所以就只能移民？这里除了布板指出的多余something以外，the only I could do to save myslef 因该is to ....，不能是is something.

zhexen

原帖由 bulaohu 于 2010-2-12 10:52 发表
1. Either "a Chinese" or "Chinese citizens" or "the Chinese".

2. Firstly, Secondly. Comma should stay.

3. "Appeal to" is better substituted by "approach", or "hire", or "use". Easy is not 地道,  ...

布版，谢啦！

bulaohu

no guest gas. Feel free to ask if you have more questions.

zhexen

原帖由 avatars 于 2010-2-12 13:15 发表
我简单扫了一下，感觉楼主的英文还是比较   的，不说惯用法和时态，就是语义逻辑上都有点不通。拿第一段为例：

When I tried to work out the plan for my next decade after completing a long and exhausting p ...

谢谢avatars兄的指正。

When从句，动词过去分词做状语。。。看来我得回炉再去仔仔细细看一遍语法了。

另外还有很多不正确的细节。。。下次写作文一定要注意了。

谢谢avatars兄的帮助。给您拜个早年。

zhexen

原帖由 bulaohu 于 2010-2-12 23:40 发表
no guest gas. Feel free to ask if you have more questions.

今儿是小年，给您拜个早年！

祝您虎年大吉！

alyssa

写作和修改真是一件好事。
可惜我连LZ这样的长篇都凑不出来。。
有时候长句和短句是思维问题。。

zhexen

原帖由 alyssa 于 2010-2-12 23:49 发表
写作和修改真是一件好事。
可惜我连LZ这样的长篇都凑不出来。。
有时候长句和短句是思维问题。。

不用非写很多字的呀。200字就好。

我打算每天写100字。

如果是200字的作文，就两天写一篇。400字的作文，四天写一篇。以此类推。

zhexen

本来12日应该再写一篇200字的作文。可惜看来只能13日完成了。

iami

原帖由 zhexen 于 2010-2-10 10:48 PM 发表
When I tried to work out the plan for my next decade after completing a long and exhausting project, I was surprised with shocks.  Based on the development mode of China and the mandatory birth contro ...

issues with ur english:
too chinese styled
repeated expressions even in one sentence
grammar mistakes
lacking of sound analyzing to support ur point
------------------------------------------------
to be direct, ur writing is inaccurate, inexpressive and untidy, fails to convey ur ideas in a powerful and convincing-able way



about ... ago after i accomplished an exhausting project i got a short holiday, during which i could thoroughly figuring out my life plan for the on coming decade. i was shocked to discover that my hometown in china will be confronting economic troubles sooner or later. because based on the current economical model and the Extremely Strictly Executed one child policy, (insert your reason(s) briefly here to explain the cause and result of your discovery). the only solution is to immigrate into another country if i cant save her from the foreseeable/expectable /predictable future.

===================
adding:
work out means exercise

averta was right, whatever u put into ur essay, it must be related to ur storyline.
like ur finished ur project, u started to plan ur life,
i guess u were trying to say that u got some day offs for the planning.

[ 本帖最后由 iami 于 2010-2-14 15:33 编辑 ]

iami

原帖由 zhexen 于 2010-2-12 10:38 AM 发表


谢谢版主。那我就不客气了。

1. Migration was not an easy task for Chinese.
应该用什么词来表达中国人呢？

2. First, China is。。。Second, reading andunderstanding。。。
是应该用Firstly与Secon ...

1. Migration was not an easy task for the Chinese. 中国人

[ 本帖最后由 iami 于 2010-2-14 15:38 编辑 ]

zhexen

issues with ur english:
too chinese styled
repeated expressions even in one sentence
grammar mistakes

----
iami帮我总结的极是。