关于bully

小茉莉

jimmy是一个可爱却胆小的小男孩
最近他才开始敢爬沙发
地面任何颜色的改变都会让他在交界处小碎步调整准备半天
……
我小时候胆子就很小
长大了还是不知道怎么拒绝
唯一敢张牙舞爪的就是自己的亲人和BBS论坛

我一直发现jimmy在跟小朋友们一起玩时很容易被欺负
他被推搡抢玩具以后都不知所措
开始还会想要回玩具
过一会连玩具也不要了

今天遇到一个西人小男孩大概5岁抢他的小车
小男孩用力扳他的手指命令他share
我一直说NO
可是我也不想跟这孩子有肢体接触
所以无法阻止
他拿走小车以后我要他share他的球被他拒绝了
于是我说：大家都有玩具，只有jimmy没有，因为你拿走了。jimmy不喜欢。
可是小男孩跑开了
我站起来望着他
打please的手势
这时候他妹妹大概4岁跑过去帮我们抢回来了
well名义上帮我们
到我们面前突然决定不给我们自己玩了
奶声奶气的说it's mine
我虽然坚定地告诉她这是我们的不是你的，可是实在喜欢这个女孩，不知该如何拿过来
这时候男孩一把抢过妹妹手中的车跑开了

然后奇妙的事情发生了
另外一对姐弟（女孩9岁，男孩7岁。这两孩子我常见的，我以前很喜欢其中的弟弟，超级懂事的。姐姐在我们吉米很小的时候就把他抱住说我是他的妈妈，后来我又看过她指挥带领别的小朋友玩，很有政客的感觉的：让大家民主投票表决要玩什么游戏，但是游戏只能由她提名：））中的弟弟冲过去就干那个男孩叫他还我们车
姐姐则过来看jimmy有没有不开心
我超级感动啊

回来我感慨蛮多的
恼恨自己遇事不知道怎么办
还不如孩子
人家妈妈都不管坐一边吹牛
我难道去干她的孩子

小茉莉

My DS has been coming home over the past few weeks telling me more and more about kids in his class who are picking on him. Calling him names like 'sook bum' and 'cry baby' and ganging up on him in the playground saying silly nonsense, then running away from him, and then he's left sitting in a corner of the playground all by himself. (I mean literally, he pointed out the square of dirt he's been sitting on at lunch time, on his own  ) For some reason he thinks these kids are his friends, and I don't doubt that he believes they are, as they are nice to him and then all of a sudden turn nasty. I have spoken to a few other mums who have mentioned similar issues with the same boys. Except now the bullies numbers seem to be growing.

We had incidents at the beginning of the year with 3 boys, 2 of which were being physically nasty to him like stabbing his head with scissors, slapping him while they were on the floor, cutting his sock with scissors etc The third boy was getting carried away with the other two and took to stealing DS's hat and shoes at lunch times and throwing them on the roof so DS was left with no shoes and hats on several days. I speak to this boys mum regularly and on the last incident with his shoes, she made her DS bring the shoes back, apologise and she also apologised to me and I believe gave her DS a big talking to. I spoke to DS's teacher, who reprimanded the boys and went through a series of days of reiterating the class rules of keeping hands and feet to themselves, being respectful etc

I also told DS at that stage to stay away from all three of those kids (which was hard for him because he thinks they're his friends!) and told him to tell them that they weren't his friends if they were going to be nasty and that he wasn't going to play with them anymore. The third boy who is actually a nice enough kid just tends to be a bit of a snot sometimes, was quite put out when DS told him he wasn't his friend and wasn't going to play with him (I think the other two were bullying him quite a bit as well to be honest) and since that time he has been a proper friend to DS and plays nicely with him, sticks up for him etc . The other two were still being horrible but he's stayed away from them up to this point.

Now he comes home today and tells me that one of the boys had ganged up on him with 4 other boys, (and I'm surprised at 2 of the boys that joined in as they're not normally like that) apprently the ring leader had told him to 'shut his ****ing mouth before he kicked him a good one' and then grabbed DS by the shirt and pushed him around hurting his chest. DS said he was scared and upset, and his friend was trying to help him, telling them to go away etc. DS is quite tall and although skinny is still a lot bigger than this other kid and still this other kid was able to shove him, so I imagine there was some force behind it. I asked him if he told a teacher, and he said that he was crying and had run off to get a teacher, and the teacher simply said to go and get the boys and tell them to go to her. Really productive solution telling a seven year old who has jsut been bullied to go and get the bullies  DS said he went back and told the boys to go to the teacher, they ignored him, the bell went off and they returned to class.

Now I am disgusted with the way the teacher on duty handled the situation, but I also have my doubts as to how much DS relayed to her about what happened, as he is very shy and takes a lot to feel comfortable around people enough to tell them what is happening. We have had an ongoing battle trying to get him to tell someone when something happens, he just gets nervous and won't open up.

I'm at my wits end, and being very pregnant and very hormonal I am struggling not to go and confront this other childs mother personally, I know that this would be a big mistake which is why I haven't! She has just had another baby a few months ago, and probably has a lot on her plate, it's also kind of co-incided with her DS getting worse with the behaviour, but it's really no excuse, this kid was a PITA last year too.

I keep telling DS that he needs to tell the other kids to Stop, even if it means yelling at them (and that he won't get in trouble for yelling) and then to walk away and find somewhere else to play. If they continue or if they touch him physically then he needs to find the nearest teacher and tell them what happened, if he can't tell them then he needs to stay close to the teacher so that if they keep harrassing him the teacher will be right there. It just doesn't seem to be sinking in, and the times, like today, that he says he has moved away they are following him. I'm quite upset that they have stood around him in a circle all saying nasty things, and I'm just glad that when the ringleader shoved him that the other kids didn't all jump in as well, other wise I seriously don't think I would be able to keep calm and collected about it.

I'll be speaking to his class teacher tomorrow and trying to get her to speak to the other childs mother about her childs behaviour (this child is a handful and I know that his mum has been working with the teacher on ways to improve his behaviour anyway) and also trying to get her to help encourage DS to just stay away from these kids. The two kids I am surprised about being involved really need to have their parents told too because it's really out of character for them and it could be easily stopped now before it gets much worse. I know both of their mums too, so I know they would pull their kids up easily enough if they know what they're getting up to!

So I guess I'm just after some advice as to what you would do? What ways you have taught your kids to deal with bullying behaviour, especially kids who won't open their mouths and stand up for themselves. And in general what has been the most effective way of dealing with it for you, and what other options are there for me to consider that I might be missing completely?

小茉莉

I havn't been there yet, but I would think unless the teacher or school actually police it ...the kids will continue to bullie your son.

I would expect far more from the school on this.

Its great to teach you son the right way to handle it but I would think unrealistic that he can 'solve' this problem on his own and it may really impact his learning and confidnce as he moves through school.

If it were me I would see the person at the top and let them know you will pull him out if something is not done, immediately. Your son may seem 'ok' but in the long run he may very well not be.

I have chosen my sons primary school based on its 'anti-bullie' program alone - they have NO tollerance.

Its not acceptable, he has a right to feel safe and secure and enjoy his early education. You are not hormonal, just reading your post and how the school has not acted on this is disgusting.

I think enough has happend to give you plenty of reasons to approach the office and give the examples of bullieing behaviour happening towards your son.

I hope you make some headway with them, good luck.

Keep us posted as to how you go.

小茉莉

I don't know OP, I thought I had it sorted with one of mine who is placid and a bit shy, but it keeps popping up!

I would suggest you notify the school about it officially in writing (no chit chats, they don't work!). And let them know that you won't put up with your child being victimised. They have a responsibility to protect your child at school.

The other thing I would suggest is to get him into some martial arts. 1. So he can learn how to protect himself and 2. To boost his self esteem.

Good luck, it's awful isn't it

小茉莉

We have had issues similar to yours this year, DS1 started at a new school and one child in particular was hassling him (and others) daily for most of first term, from talking to other parents this was a problem last year but obviously nothing was done then as it continues today, and I am determined to put an end to it, I don't want to be having this conversation with every teacher for the next 7 years.

He was mostly emotional bullying though, although there was one physical incident and I was up at that school waiting for the doors to open the next day to talk about it.

I went to see the teacher, a lot. Apparently plans are in place to deal with this child, ie all the teachers involved with the class are aware of the issue when supervising at lunch/recess etc.

I agree with the martial arts thing, it is great for building self confidence so your son can stand up to these kids, quite often a "stop doing that" directly to the bully is all that needs to happen. One thing that has happened now is all the other kids have kinda stood together and that in itself has calmed this kid down a lot as they are not scared of him anymore, safety in numbers and all that. Can you help foster a friendship with some of the kids in your son's class, playdates etc so that he has some mates to stand with.

I also agree with putting it in writing, things seem to be going ok at present but if it should start up again, or I hear about any incident I am doing exactly that, if the teacher can't help then the prinicpal and if necessary the school board needs to become aware because I believe every school should have a No tolerance policy in place.

Hope things get better for your son, sometimes this sending them out into the big wide world stuff is so very hard.

小茉莉

OP if this were me I would put in writing the incidents you have described here and take them to the principal. You don't have to storm in there, just make the principal very aware of the ongoing nature of what is happening to your ds. It is way beyond acceptable, and your son should not have to live with this. I think kids can be given a hand on how to deal with normal teasing etc, but this is way beyond that. If nothing improved I'd have my child out of there sooner rather than later. A teacher friend of mine once said that children will thrive and learn in an environment when they are happy. If your ds is not happy at school how can he do his best? All the best with it, hopefully the school will have some good strategies to deal with it, and once they know it's an ongoing problem take action to protect your ds.

小茉莉

These days they teach tactics at kindy like "Tell a bully that you don't like it! And tell them to Stop!"  Even my children at 5yo would tell me that didn't help, and only incited more attention.

In real life I found encouraging their friendships with nice children, helped their confidence, and stopped them being a loner and potential target as well. (not saying all children who are bullied are loners, but there is safety in numbers).

小茉莉

I worry about this as well.

We spend a lot of time talking about being compassionate towards others - "How do you feel when people say that to you?", "How would you feel if xys was sad because of what you said to them", etc. DD is 5, and seems to understand it.

I'd love other ideas though. Whilst I think DD is strong enough to not be bullied, I do worry that she may bully others.  She is not vindictive or nasty, but kids can hurt each other with the smallest comments. They matter too.