Finding somewhere you belong, someone you belong to

xblues

旧作

Sunday afternoon, as usual I took my routine walk. Prepared myself ready, I got my jeans, my dilapidated T shirt and my sunglasses. Yes, of course, two tins of beer in my bag as well. I don't know where I am going, but the sun is shining, and temperature is nice.

It’s scary thinking that I have spent three years of my life time living in Shanghai. Lately, I just found how amazing to take a walk in Sunday afternoon. Without the harsh, I don't have to worry about time as the during the week days when I going to work. Time is all mine at this moment, I can go and wondering to wherever I want to be.

It’s really a distance to walk from where I live to Huaihai middle road. I usually would take the tube. However, I have my beer this time and that all I need. Still can’t believe I have been living in Shanghai for so many years already, Never thought I would live here for this long especially without anything particularly keep me here. I said I don’t Shanghai, in fact, I often say I hate Shanghai. But I know, with any sense, this is not a issue of Shanghai, but rather something not right within myself.

I think it’s quite difficult for one to change himself, but everyone can try to find where they like to live. Apparently I didn’t find Shanghai is the place that want to spend my life with, well, I didn’t find the one who I want to spend my life with either. I know it’s not Shanghai, the city’s fault. Anyway, thinking of that I am leaving soon, I feel much relieved.  

It’s interesting that suddenly I realized that I am writing all these stuff in English. As a 30 years old some, here again I am l getting used to use another rather strange foreign language instead of my own mother language. I feel rather being lost.  A bit awkward, I found myself using the spell checker so often that I can’t even write anything without the help of computer.  The thing is I know that I can use Chinese to express the same thing like a real 30 years old some instead of 3 years old child which is indeed, many may find it’s rather awkward. So if considering the way we use Chinese is the forward thinking, English is rather backward all the time. Still I am trying to get myself get use to it.

Shanghai became a somewhere I will pass by eventually, I knew this much earlier even before I was moving to this city. I never thought I would fall in love with this city, in fact, I rather hate it. Looking at all these old, historical buildings, some of them were even built in 18th century, and I found here a lot of Shanghainese somehow still live in the same after so many decades. I wonder for those whom already moved to outer part of the city and work in those so called ‘Developing Area’ with full of world-shocking skyscrapers, if they realize there’s a inner city where people are still rather live in the way olden way.

I didn’t know until I start to spend time walking around all these areas, watching people walking out and in wearing dressing strange, some women have those funky hairdos that you can only find them in modem Shanghai and the style just looks like as if it was from the last century. Here you can see the mind shocking mixture of the moderns and the antiquated.

I found people here live comfortable in their own ways. I guess it’s a matter that whether to have somewhere, someone one belong to. Cause for these people I bet they feel they belong to here and that’s the big different between me and these people. After three years living in Shanghai, I never felt and never will feel the same way these people do. I didn’t find I belong to Beijing when I was there for 4 years. I didn’t feel that I belong to where I was born and raised up. That’s why I have to keep wondering until I found someone, somewhere that I belong to.