What a day I had! -- 请筒子们帮助改正错、病句

alias-unknown

我发表了一篇英文的心情日记，我想得到大家的帮助改正错误。可是那里不是理想之地。经布老虎斑竹的同意，转到这里。谢谢。分分伺候

[ 本帖最后由 alias-unknown 于 2008-11-7 16:38 编辑 ]

alias-unknown

27 October 2008

Even though I have been away from my homeland for many years, I still speak English with Chinese accent and think in the Chinese way. Sometimes it really troubled me, especially when I tried to express myself in a debate. I feel that my vocabulary, which is one of the basic elements in a language, is not enough. A yet sadder fact, I could get the wrong end of the stick for some phrases consisting of simple words [every now and then].

Last month I made a decision to force myself to contribute to the "Learning English" section. And also I learnt from others who contributed to the section. I have made a good progress since then. I believe one of the reasons I can keep up with this is I got encouragement from Moderators and other Netizens, particularly Black-Bogie, Bu-Tiger, Xingbu and A-Stick-of-Incense! Thank you guys!

However ……Today……

[It's Monday morning and I got up on the wrong side of the bed.] Things started after I kicked over a glass of Coke on the floor. My house mate made a big fuss about this, instead of saying [G’day mate] as usual, the nagging seemed endless. I couldn’t [get a word in edgewise] at all. “It’s not my fault.” I would like to tell everybody but I could only talk to myself. “[You are such a cheapsteak]” I said in silence. “It was only a glass of Coke. Do you know what was I thinking?”

What was I thinking? I asked myself as well. Oh, I know. As a consequence of a dream last nigh, I was thinking what I could do if I would have [all the world’s money]. Is that possible? I don’t care. I would [move heaven and earth] to collect as much as possible. That was why I kicked the glass.

I left home without anything in my stomach. My M3, the [poor man’s Ferrari] has been sent to mechanic yesterday. I must leave home earlier to catch tram. On the way through the tram window, I [saw two cars got into a fender bender.] Ouch! Why people are always in a rush?

“Who would take minutes for today’s meeting?” Project manager asked just after we settled down in the morning’s meeting room. No responses. I couldn’t hold back my laugh, as a phrase was jumped up to my head – [the room was filled with deafening silence.] Because of that, I had no choice to take minutes this time.

OMG, the [bunfight began] in the middle of the meeting when we discussed the reasons why the project had spent more time than the planned. One of the team leaders who is [stuck up by] the CEO [got all hoity-toity with] the project manager. Someone [jumped on the Bandwagon] as well. Most of us felt that blame was unfair. People knew who is [talking the talk] and who is [walking the walk]. As we are the same team, I know he did the best and [left no stone unturned.] The problem was the Client changed their mind over and over again. Anyway [I gave kudos to the project manager] for his hard work to get every things done eventually. If I were the manager I would tell everybody, [the project drove me nuts!]

After lunch, an email was sent to the entire group from a colleague. He wrote, [“It’s with a tinge of sadness that my time with ABC group is coming to an end - my last day is this Friday.”] That is the fifth colleague who is leaving us in this single month period. *sigh*. It was only a ‘tinge’ of sadness – he didn’t use the word ‘reluctant’. Nevertheless, [that’s only a storm in a tea cup], comparing with the current financial crisis.

On the way home, another phrase came to me, [for every cloud there is a silver lining]. Is there a [ray of hope] in our firm? I don’t know.

What a day I had!

BTW, all the colored phrases are I learned from the 'Learning English' section.

[ 本帖最后由 alias-unknown 于 2008-11-7 17:05 编辑 ]

xingbu

Hey, you did an awesome job incorporating all these phrases in your article! Thanks for sharing.

alias-unknown

谢谢Xingbu
如果有错误，要指出来的哦。还有，如果有哪句话怎样说更地道。

我发现一个：

"who is talk the talk"
should be
"who is talking the talk"

黑山老妖

标题：What a day I have。应该用过去时：What a day I had。
让我慢慢看其他的。

alias-unknown

原帖由 黑山老妖 于 2008-10-28 14:18 发表
标题：What a day I have。应该用过去时：What a day I had。
让我慢慢看其他的。

谢谢黑妖！
标题错了，里面是对的

黑山老妖

For starters: I think it should be written in past tense. So changes should be made accordingly.

For many years away from home in China, I stuck with my mother tongue speaking and Chinese-style way of thinking. (N.B. I am not sure this sentence is a Chinese way of writing as well).

Yes this a Chinese sentence written in English. Not good.

Since last month I made the decision to force myself to contribute what I learned to the ‘Learning English’ section and learn from others from the section, I have got a good progress.

Since last month I made the decision to force myself to contribute to the "Learning English" section and learn from those who contributed to the section. I have made good progress. 句子不能太长。要经常断开。

The things started after... "The"不能随便用。用了"the"就说明是特定的件事。应该：Things started ...
made a big fuss about this
You are such a cheapskate
What was I thinking?
I will [move heaven and earth] ... no need to use "try“ in front.

xingbu

Just a little feeling to share after reading your article.

I can easily understand what you’ve written here as I am Chinese with the same writing manner as you have. However, I am a little bit hesitate if local people understand most what you are willing to mean.

As per my understanding,  language is quite like a sort of sense, an ability to interpret what you think into words as simple as possible. People may feel good to get to your point straight away rather than  guess what you mean. So I feel it might be good not to use too many long sentences with  complicated grammar or phrases in a simple writing. It doesn’t mean your article is not good, this is just my personal opinion with no right or wrong.:)

alias-unknown

"The"不能随便用。用了"the"就说明是特定的件事。

完全对！我常常用很多'the'

alias-unknown

Yes this a Chinese sentence written in English. Not good.

我再重写一次，这样知否可以？
Away from home for many years, I still speak English with Chinese accent, and Chinese way of thinking.

怎样才地道呢？这句也要用过去时吗？

BTW, 黑妖斑竹，我打算现在不编辑原文，直到最后一齐改。再次感谢！

alias-unknown

Since last month I made the decision to force myself to contribute to the "Learning English" section and learn from those who contributed to the section. I have made good progress. 句子不能太长。要经常断开。

重写这句：

Last month I made a decision to force myself to contribute to the "Learning English" section. And also I learnt from others who contributed to the section. I have made a good progress since then.

可以吗？

黑山老妖

原帖由 alias-unknown 于 29/10/2008 08:40 发表
Since last month I made the decision to force myself to contribute to the "Learning English" section and learn from those who contributed to the section. I have made good progress. 句子不能太长。要经常 ...

Much better.

黑山老妖

原帖由 alias-unknown 于 29/10/2008 08:33 发表
Yes this a Chinese sentence written in English. Not good.

我再重写一次，这样知否可以？
Away from home for many years, I still speak English with Chinese accent, and Chinese way of thinking.

怎样 ...

I still speak English with Chinese accent and think in the Chinese way, even though I have been away from my homeland for many years.

alias-unknown

原帖由 黑山老妖 于 2008-10-29 10:47 发表

Much better.

:si79 分分用完了.晚上再来加.谢!

alias-unknown

看到的桐子们，黑妖和刑部斑竹给出的点评让我获益。如果你也有所收获，请给他们加分吧:si21

下周，我会编辑2#和标题。

iAmNobody

no one has the same way to express the same thing in english. this is how i understand ur first paragraph and rewrite it in my way, which i think is the closest way to native speakers. at the last sentence i would not use subjunctive, neither the two long slangs at the same time in one sentence. i prefer keep the structure of sentence tidy and more informative, its just my personal preference :)

Even though I have been away from my homeland(country) for many years, I still speak English with Chinese accent and think in the Chinese way. Sometimes it really troubled me, especially when I tried to express myself in a debate. I feel that my vocabulary, which is one of the basic elements in a language, is not enough. A yet sadder fact, I could get the wrong end of the stick for some phrases consisting of simple words [every now and then].

although it's been years for me to be in australia, i still have some chinese accent at speaking english and i, sometimes, even organize sentences in chinese orders too. these problems really bother/annoy me from time to time , especially under the pressure of having a university debate. I think my vocabulary base, which is a fundamental measurement to indicate the competence of using a language,  is too limited (not rich enough). A yet sadder fact, I can get the wrong end of the stick for some phrases consisting of simple words [every now and then]

iAmNobody

What a day I had!

BTW, all the colored phrases are I learned from the 'Learning English' section.
======
i would say: what a day! or what a bloody day!
theres nothing wrong to add i had to the end, but i don think it gives extra information, i wouldnt put it on. using the word "bloody" is clearer to express ur mood to that day (i didnt read thru the whole article, only guess from the fist paragraph assume that u had an awful day)





BTW, all the colored phrases are I learned from the 'Learning English' section.

btw, all the colored phrases are learned from ...
or
btw, all the colored phrases are what i have learnt from...

[ 本帖最后由 iAmNobody 于 2009-1-23 03:38 编辑 ]

bluesky

i was thinking what I could do if I would have all the world’s money.

  我觉得好像这句含有虚拟语气的句子这样说是不是好一点？：i was thinking what would i do if i had the all the money in this world. 因为金钱和世界不是所属关系，不能用world's 来表示。
见过类似的结构：if i were you , i would help him 。倒过来也可以说成 i would help him if i were you .
that is my own opinion.

bluesky

all the colored phrases are I learned from the 'Learning English' section.

maybe it sounds better if the above sentence is expressed like this:
the the colored phrases are learnt from the " learning english section" by me .( by me cant be delected)
因为我觉得phrase is subject, what is the function of " are" ? it cant be the predicate itself  .it has to be followed by abjective or sth like that.

i am not intended to offend you. just want to exchange information and improve our english together.

[ 本帖最后由 bluesky 于 2009-3-2 21:18 编辑 ]

jimtony1

原帖由 alias-unknown 于 2008-10-29 08:33 发表
Yes this a Chinese sentence written in English. Not good.

我再重写一次，这样知否可以？
Away from home for many years, I still speak English with Chinese accent, and Chinese way of thinking.

怎样 ...

=========

Away from home for many years, I still speak English (in) Chinese accent, and (using) Chinese way of thinking.

jimtony1

BTW, all the colored phrases are I learned from the 'Learning English' section.
=======
俺就不懂了, are后面能直接加句子吗?

1.BTW, all the colored phrases are (what) I learned from the 'Learning English' section.
2.BTW, all the colored phrases are (those that) I learned from the 'Learning English' section.

jimtony1

"People knew who is [talking the talk] and who is [walking the walk"
======
俺又不懂了,这句话和前面和后面有什么关系?
talking the talk, walking the walk=不要嘴巴讲,要付之行动.

这里放在这里,和上下文无关.用的莫名其妙.

当然,还是我看不出来?

jimtony1

Do you know what was I thinking?”
=======================
又来了,你括号里的词用的很漂亮,比如最后ray of hope
但是括号外的句子,俺有疑惑了.
Do you know what ( I was ) thinking?

jimtony1

Last month I made a decision to force myself to contribute to the "Learning English" section. And also I learnt from others who contributed to the section.
=================
俺对contribute to的用法有疑问.而且2个contribute to重复了.如果我写,我这样:
Last month I made a decision to force myself to (concentrate on) the "Learning English" section. And also I learnt from others who (did the same thing).

alias-unknown

加分感谢以上筒子们的建议！
对于[talking the talk] and [walking the walk] 我的理解是可以分开使用的。翻译成：谁是只说不做的；谁是埋头苦干的。
欢迎讨论！