Thoughts From an American Descendant of the Dragon

degra

http://olympics.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/08/09/thoughts-from-an-american-descendant-of-the-dragon/

August 9, 2008,  1:41 pm
By Michael Luo



“China’s 100-year dream.” That’s what Hu Jintao said in his speech at the opening ceremonies last night, that the Olympics are China’s yibai nian de mengxiang. It’s an expression of the pride China feels at this moment.

I’ve been trying to sort through what I feel as I watch this all unfold in a country my parents were born in but fled as children and have had little connection to since. Yes, I am Chinese. But I am sure other Chinese Americans whose parents followed the identical route — China to Taiwan after the communists came, and then on to the U.S. — can relate to the grappling for emotion I am feeling. I have never felt particular national pride in China. It’s in part because I have had little connection to the country, except a summer spent there in college. It’s also in part because of its authoritarian government. Finally, I can’t help but feel so different from the people there. I can relate to them but I can’t. I feel kinship but also wince at times when I see how they act and think.



Inevitably, part of all of this is because of how I’m obviously more American in mores and attitude than Chinese. So there’s inevitably a distance and a sense of foreignness. But it’s a stark contrast with what I’ve witnessed among so many of my Korean-American friends. I watched the intensity of their nationalistic fervor during the World Cup a few years ago with a mixture of annoyance and resentment. I’ve often felt that young Chinese Americans don’t have the same kind of unity here as their Korean-American peers because the Chinese diaspora is so far-flung and there isn’t the kind of obvious cultural focal point that Koreans have in Seoul, for example. There’s also the matter of rooting for and feeling pride in a communist regime.

When I spent a summer in China in college, I remember feeling for the first time a sense of rootedness in the place and coming away profoundly moved by it. There was a folk song that my parents used to sing in their Chinese choir here in the U.S. that people over there sometimes sang on karaoke, about longdechuanren, or roughly, “the descendants of the dragon” — in other words, the Chinese people.

As I watched the opening ceremonies begin, I started to think back on those feelings and wondered whether I would feel anything stir inside of me. When China rose to its feet as its team entered the stadium last night, I admit it — I felt some rumblings inside me. But then as I watched the tight shots of various members of the Chinese team, I again felt that chasm. So many seemed so gawky, so, well, foreign, with their awkward haircuts, their crooked teeth. Could I really relate?

When I asked my twin brother, Chris, who now lives in Beijing and will be attending some of the events, about his thoughts, he said he felt a similar ambivalence. The opening ceremonies were what the Chinese government wanted us to see, he pointed out, and was part of its careful orchestration of everything to do with the Olympics, from the weather to public dissent, in a bid to be recognized as a member of the world’s elite.

But I did feel the welling of something. I think the reason it is so difficult to articulate is because it is, almost by necessity, somehow subterranean. On the surface, there is little to connect me. At the substratum level, however, there is something held in common, a heritage, a history, a sense of people-hood.

My brother put it this way: “Part of what made last night amazing was China’s capacity to work extraordinarily hard for an extended length of time to achieve success. That trait is certainly a quality that our parents possess and have passed along to us. Plus, China’s long and beautiful cultural history was put on a display, and for sure, we can be proud of that.”

Womeng doushi longdechuanren. We are all descendants of the dragon.

Michael Luo is a Times national political reporter covering the 2008 presidential campaign.




一些读者留言：

#3.
August 9th,20082:41 pm

This is the trap of being a minority in the US. You feel inferior and different when you are growing up. You look down upon your parents. You take everything on surface value. You are rootless here in the US yet the Chinese back home won’t take you into their heart. You have to deal with it.


#7.
August 9th,2008 3:08 pm

Thanks for sharing your conflicting thoughts and emotions, which reflect some analogous elements of a “self-hating Jew”:

Jewish self-hatred may result from feelings of inferiority brought upon by antisemitism they have suffered in the past. This can lead to attempts to distance themselves from their Jewish identity … [and to] attempt to adopt the behavior patterns and characteristics more predominantly associated with Gentiles (wikipedia)

In your case, replace “Jewish” with “Chinese”, and “antisemitism” with “Anti-Asian racism”. You describe yourself “wincing” at Asian stereotypes ( e.g. “gawky”, “awkward haircuts”, “crooked teeth”) on display at the Olympics. You don’t want to “relate” to a culture that’s been subjugated, mocked and demonized by the West over the last century.

Jews have a long history of being persecuted but we never lost the pride and faith in our heritage and culture. Right now is a major point of inflection for China and the Chinese people, to go from being ashamed to being proud of who you are and of a culture that has endured for over 5000 years.


#11.
August 9th, 2008 4:12 pm

So I’ve been a minority all my life - I was born left-handed, I am a minority Chinese, I now live in Australia where people only know me as Chinese, and Chinese (and the rest of Asian people) are once again minority here.

I totally understand the unnameable, inescapable fear of being isolated, left alone, laughed at, singled out, criticized. And the urge to blend in. Become whiter.

But this is the point of choice, the decision you have to make, to be proud and confident, or to be self-discriminating and lost.

I’m very happy that my Chinese root, the culture I learned since childhood, gave me what I need to be strong, independent, and proud.

As many wise people pointed out above, your uncomfortableness with these skin deep imperfections of the Chinese people reveals a layer of self-discriminating here. You don’t want to be seen as one of them. But these things are really, really just skin deep. The modern western culture is very much materialized and pays too much attention to exterior beauty. Anything deeper is pretty much ignored, stereotyped, skipped.

I had some urge to say some harsh words when I first read your article, but as now I’m typing, I understand that it’s very brave of you to share your feelings openly, and everyone of us should do so. Thank you.

西关少爷

SF

degra

BD

西关少爷

DB

vont

BLOG的主人的感觉不稀奇，下面摘的评论非常精彩，比如这段：
In your case, replace “Jewish” with “Chinese”, and “antisemitism” with “Anti-Asian racism”. You describe yourself “wincing” at Asian stereotypes ( e.g. “gawky”, “awkward haircuts”, “crooked teeth”) on display at the Olympics. You don’t want to “relate” to a culture that’s been subjugated, mocked and demonized by the West over the last century.

认真看这段文，是因为我常常想，我们到底要我们的孩子变成什么样的人。像这个BLOG主人吗？

degra

对， 正如布老虎所说， 评论很值得看。

bulaohu

And this comment by TT, a half-mexican, half-american person:


#

Thank you for sharing in such an honest way your conflicted feelings. People shy away from difficult articulation, but you didn’t, and it is important.

My father is Mexican, and my mother is American–my brother and I grew up in the United States, with pretty much no connection to Mexico. My father didn’t want us to speak Spanish because his experience was that we would be treated with less respect in the U.S. if we did. My mother’s family treated my father with at best, reserve, and at worst, a sense of unrecognition.

I finally made my own connection to Mexico, without my father and the sometimes stifling arguments and opinions and burdens that he carries. Like you, I was moved by something I could barely express, something, as you say, subterranean:

“At the substratum level, however, there is something held in common, a heritage, a history, a sense of people-hood.”

I understood some things I have never been able to explain to myself–about my presence among my classmates, colleagues, friends and enemies. When I experienced for myself some of the wondrous creations of Mexican culture, and evidence of the complexities of its political history, I wondered at my father’s anger and shame, and the power of the racism that he experienced as a Mexican man in the United States. He tried so hard to protect his children from that racism, and he succeeded, at a great cost to himself.

Thank you for this honest account of your conflicts. The opening ceremonies in Beijing were beautiful and moving–and politically very complex. Hopefully this complexity will be discussed with candor and change in mind.

— Posted by tt