谈谈英文写作 （话题之十一（266楼）反射性(写作)思维 （Reflective Thinking）

bc

我女儿在3年级，目前为止还尚未上任何补习班学习英文。下面是学校老师让她做的一个project about Quest。允许任意选故事的主题。以下是她编的故事，肯请老师有空时多多指点一番，多谢。


The wonders of FAB land

“I’m bored.” sighed Penelope.
“Oh, stop complaining will you?!” asked Peter the mountain guide.
Penelope was a lovely girl with long brown hair and emerald green eyes but a little too irritating.
Peter on the other hand, had blonde hair and baby blue eyes.
“Hey, why don’t we just take a rest?” Penelope had been tired.
She had waited to take a rest but now she couldn’t wait any longer.
“I’ll be on this…WHOAAA!” Penelope looked down.
What had been a rock was now a cave!
“Peter, you have got to see this! PETER!” Penelope yelled.
Peter shouted back: “I’m at the top of the mountain! I am not coming down!”
“Fine! I’ll go in the cave myself!” Penelope shouted back.
Penelope went in the cave.
It was pitch dark so she had to use her torch.
The torch shone on a sign that said: Welcome human beings and other living creatures! Signed the Bear.
“Hmm, doesn’t sound like a scary creature to me.” She thought.
She went inside the room.
“Welcome!” said a giant, booming voice behind her.
“Um… h-h-hello. S-s-sorry to uh…i-i-interupt you.” Penelope stammered.
“Oho, no interruptions at all, my dear.” The bear said in a friendly voice.
“If you want, I can take you to Facts about Bears land. Or FAB land for short.”
“But you have to beware, you know. Pokémon have been seen snatching people’s things.”
Penelope thought about it. She was thinking yes but what if it was a trap?
But that couldn’t be right. The bear was so friendly, why would it make up a trap?
“Okay, I accept your honor.” Penelope said nervously.
“Great!” cried the bear. “By the way, I forgot to introduce myself. My name’s Harold. What’s yours?”
“My name’s Penelope.” Penelope said.
“Well then, my dear Penelope, hop into the Hastimobile!” Harold boomed.
“What’s a Hastimobile?” Penelope asked.
“Oh, that? That my dear, is just an automobile.”
Harold explained. “Now hop on and let’s get going!”
So, Harold went to start the Hastimobile and Penelope waited patiently in the Hastimobile. Finally, the Hastimobile started. Then they whizzed off into space.
Harold pressed a button and the Hastimobile transformed into an IKTIIAS (I Know That It Is a Spaceship).
Meanwhile, Peter was sitting on the top of the mountain, humming to himself until he saw the IKTIIAS.
“God, a UFO! You don’t see that everyday.” Peter said in shock.
Back to Harold and Penelope…
Harold pulled out a key. It was a yellow key with dark neon colored spots.
“What’s that for? Penelope asked.
“It’s the key to another galaxy. Where FAB land is.” Harold replied.
“Oh, okay.” Penelope said.
At last, they reached a door in the middle of space.
“I will now take you to FAB world, using this key! Harold cried.
Harold opened the door with the key.
“Oh, and by the way, I can tell you a fact right now. When a bear hibernates, its heartbeat is 8-40 beats per minute!” Harold told Penelope.
“Wow! I don’t think I’d survive like that!” Penelope exclaimed.
They entered FAB land.
“Read this.” Harold said, handing Penelope a book.
“All the facts about bears.” Penelope said out loud.
There were 4 facts that Penelope really liked:
1.        Bears are omnivores (an animal that eats plants and meat)
2.        Bears are scavengers (an animal who likes to eat left over meals or rotting flesh)
3.        Bears do not attack unless they or their baby is threatened
4.        Bears live all around the world except Australia and Antarctica
“That book was…HELP! HELP!” Penelope screamed.
Harold looked up. The thing that had attacked Penelope was the legendary Pokémon: Mewtwo.
This was a bit of a problem because Mewtwo was the most powerful Pokémon in the world. It was created by some Mew cells and some human cells.
How were they going to defeat Mewtwo?
“Um…uh…oh…uh…um…” Harold was frantically thinking of an idea to save Penelope.
“Ah ha! Mewtwo destroying spray will do the trick!” Harold thought.
“Hold on Penelope!” Harold shouted.
He sprayed the can at Mewtwo. The can was empty.
“What am I going to do now?” he thought.
Suddenly he had an idea.
He jumped in front of Mewtwo and started singing:
Nanananana! You can’t catch me! You’re too slow!
Mewtwo was so angry that he dropped Penelope and focused on Harold.
But they escaped in their IKTIIAS. They left Mewtwo pounding its chest furiously.
“Phew. That was close!” Penelope managed to say.
“Penelope, wake up!” It was her mum.
Penelope woke up, confused. Where was Harold? Where was Peter? She realized it had all been a dream.

洋八路

原帖由 bc 于 2011-6-5 00:37 发表
我女儿在3年级，目前为止还尚未上任何补习班学习英文。下面是学校老师让她做的一个project about Quest。允许任意选故事的主题。以下是她编的故事，肯请老师有空时多多指点一番，多谢。


The wonders of FAB land

“I’ ...

        写的很好，很生动，很有想象力，三年级的学生可以写那么好，superb..
        本来还想有些地方不是很清楚，可是看到最后，这只是一个梦，所以，我‘也哑口无言了’ -– 因为是一个梦，所以，一些零零碎碎的感觉变得就是‘真的’，这个小孩好‘狡猾’，哈哈。

如果不是一场梦的话，那么可以在这些方面提高一下：

        分段落 – 看能否提高一下段落的感觉，描述（很多是一句话，可以多几句），对话很生动，不过，可以压缩对话部分或增加描述部分（比如，peter， bear, 长的啥样，听到什么声音，环境等）
        人物可能搞混了（还是打错了？）， 是Peter 还是 Penelope 下山？好象，Penelope 很累，怎么她还下山，如果是她的话必须说明为什么她不想休息了？

其他的见下文：

The wonders of FAB land




“I’m bored.” sighed Penelope.


“Oh, stop complaining, will you?!” asked Peter, the mountain guide.


Penelope was a lovely girl with long brown hair and emerald green eyes but a little too irritating; Peter, on the other hand, had blonde hair and baby blue eyes.

“Hey, why don’t we just take a rest?” Penelope had been tired. She had waited to take a rest but now she couldn’t wait any longer.


“I’ll be on this…WHOAAA!” Penelope looked down. What had been a rock was now a cave!

“Peter, you have got to see this! PETER!” Penelope yelled.

Peter shouted back: “I’m at the top of the mountain! I am not coming down!”

“Fine! I’ll go in the cave myself!” Penelope shouted back. (Penelope was supposed to take a rest, how did she take the lead? – need to explain properly)

Penelope went in the cave. It was pitch dark so she had to use her torch. The torch shone on a sign that said: Welcome human beings and other living creatures! Signed the Bear. (This part is rather thin, more is expected on your way to the cave, -- what you see, hear, smell).


“Hmm, doesn’t sound like a scary creature to me.” She thought.

She went inside the room. (room?)

“Welcome!” said a giant, booming voice behind her.

“Um… h-h-hello. S-s-sorry to uh…i-i-interupt you.” Penelope stammered. (more bear description wanted -- eg: you turned, and saw..)

“Oho, no interruptions at all, my dear.” The bear said in a friendly voice. “If you want, I can take you to Facts about Bears land. Or FAB land for short. But you have to beware, you know. Pokémon have been seen snatching people’s things.” (speech by same person should be grouped properly).

Penelope thought about it. She was thinking yes but what if it was a trap? But that couldn’t be right. The bear was so friendly, why would it make up a trap? (remarkable self-questioning here – good work!)

“Okay, I accept your honor.” Penelope said nervously.

“Great!” cried the bear. “By the way, I forgot to introduce myself. My name’s Harold. What’s yours?”

“My name’s Penelope.” Penelope said.

“Well then, my dear Penelope, hop into the Hastimobile!” Harold boomed.

“What’s a Hastimobile?” Penelope asked.

“Oh, that? That my dear, is just an automobile.”

Harold explained. “Now hop on and let’s get going!”

So, Harold went to start the Hastimobile and Penelope waited patiently in the Hastimobile. Finally, the Hastimobile started.(does the start take long? If so, more description and reasoning why it takes so long) Then they whizzed off into space.

Harold pressed a button and the Hastimobile transformed into an IKTIIAS (I Know That It Is a Spaceship).

Meanwhile, Peter was sitting on the top of the mountain, humming to himself until he saw the IKTIIAS. (How do you know he is still sitting on there? You can only write what you (the veiwpoint) can sense, better not change the point of view in a short story).

“God, a UFO! You don’t see that everyday.” Peter said in shock.(Can you hear him in the IKTIIAS?)

Back to Harold and Penelope (better stick to the viewpoint of Penelope, not from Author)…

Harold pulled out a key. It was a yellow key with dark neon colored spots.

“What’s that for? Penelope asked.

“It’s the key to another galaxy. Where FAB land is.” Harold replied.

“Oh, okay.” Penelope said.

At last, they reached a door in the middle of space.

“I will now take you to FAB world, using this key! Harold cried.
Harold opened the door with the key.

“Oh, and by the way, I can tell you a fact right now. When a bear hibernates, its heartbeat is 8-40 beats per minute!” Harold told Penelope.

“Wow! I don’t think I’d survive like that!” Penelope exclaimed.

They entered FAB land.

“Read this.” Harold said, handing Penelope a book.

“All the facts about bears.” Penelope said out loud.

There were 4 facts that Penelope really liked:

1.        Bears are omnivores (an animal that eats plants and meat)
2.        Bears are scavengers (an animal who likes to eat left over meals or rotting flesh)
3.        Bears do not attack unless they or their baby is threatened
4.        Bears live all around the world except Australia and Antarctica

“That book was…HELP! HELP!” Penelope screamed.

Harold looked up. The thing that had attacked Penelope was the legendary Pokémon: Mewtwo. (attacked or just approaching?)

This was a bit of a problem because Mewtwo was the most powerful Pokémon in the world. It was created by some Mew cells and some human cells. How were they going to defeat Mewtwo?

“Um…uh…oh…uh…um…” Harold was frantically thinking of an idea to save Penelope.

“Ah ha! Mewtwo destroying spray will do the trick!” Harold thought.

“Hold on Penelope!” Harold shouted.

He sprayed the can at Mewtwo. The can was empty.

“What am I going to do now?” he thought.

Suddenly he had an idea.

He jumped in front of Mewtwo and started singing: Nanananana! You can’t catch me! You’re too slow!

Mewtwo was so angry that he dropped Penelope and focused on Harold.

But they escaped in their IKTIIAS (how?). They left Mewtwo pounding its chest furiously.

“Phew. That was close!” Penelope managed to say.

“Penelope, wake up!” It was her mum.

Penelope woke up, confused. Where was Harold? Where was Peter? She realized it had all been a dream. (Good surprise! And this can give you an excuse for not telling more about your partner's fate -- Peter..)

bc

何老师，真的很感谢您给我女儿的作文做出这么宝贵详细的点评。
得到老师的首肯，很替我女儿自豪。
我这做家长的英文水平是读读她的故事还可以，指导啥的那就根本谈不上了，所以也一直搞不清她写的东西到底怎么样，也曾因此问过她的class teacher，你知道这里的西人老师都是讲小孩子的优点的，没有太多具体的建议的。
其实她这个project，老师只要求最多10分钟的presentation时间，让她讲给她学校1／2年级的学生听，所以她总担心自己写的太长了，要超过规定时间了。
这个故事最终版本是一个文字加很多故事插图的powerpoint文件。我只给您发了文字部分。
再一次感谢您的时间。辛苦了。

[ 本帖最后由 bc 于 2011-6-6 23:09 编辑 ]

whenryausteps

你好，爸爸推荐我看你这个网站。我是一个十一岁的学生，最近老师给了我们几张图片要我们用来写一个作文做我们家庭作业。我写的这篇叫Saving Lassie，请帮我看一下。

Saving Lassie
Bobby's life was taking a turn for the better after his sudden bout of illness. After being forced to stay cooped up inside for weeks as he recovered, it made a nice change to just ride on his bike enjoying the fresh country air. As he rode on, Bobby's eyes glanced at the sights of the countryside and what he had been missing out on - the new farmhouse down the road, the autumn leaves, a dog lying on the side of the read...wait, what?

Immediately Bobby cycled towards the poor creature. After hopping off his bike he picked up the dog and began a thorough examination, concluding that it was probably a farm dog who had been hit by a vehicle a few hours ago, injuring its legs. He looked sorrowfully at the dog who was howling in pain. It reminded him so much of his childhood pet Lassie, which he had had to put down because of her old age. Bobby knew he had to get help - and fast.

Sadly, Lassie-Lookalike (really, Lassie was what he was beginning to call her) could not fit on his small modest bicycle. Without a second thought he jumped onto his bicycle and pedalled furiously. Though he was a farm boy, Bobby was not accustomed to handling animals and he knew there was no way he could help heal Lassie, not without a proper qualification. Thank goodness there were people who lived nearby who could help. The Smiths, who had recently bought the new farmhouse - they had a daughter about his age, right? She would know what to do, especially after growing up with the Smiths who were known throughout the town as 'the animal family'.

Half panting, half wheezing, Bobby came to a halt in front of the farmhouse before pressing the doorbell. Almost immediately a curly-haired,freckled young girl was there, waving politely and carrying a young animal at the same time. "Hello, you're Bobby right? Do come in, have some tea will you?" She spoke with a slight accent he couldn't pinpoint. "I'm sorry, can't stay. I found - I found a dog, injured dog down back. Couldn't fit onto bike. Can you help?" He could barely form sentences now. To his delight the girl nodded, put down the animal and proceeded to get out her own bike. In what felt like only a minute to Bobby, the two cyclists were there and even sooner they'd returned and Lassie had gotten treatment for her wounds. "Thank you, thank you." Bobby smiled as he took a seat. In the end they did have tea together after all.

缓缓

等八路来讲解

洋八路

[quote]原帖由 whenryausteps 于 2011-10-13 16:55 发表
你好，爸爸推荐我看你这个网站。我是一个十一岁的学生，最近老师给了我们几张图片要我们用来写一个作文做我们家庭作业。我写的这篇叫Saving Lassie，请帮我看一下。

不好意思，刚度假回来，才看到这个帖子：

点评：

-        文句通顺，段落结构清楚，故事情节合理
-        在关键的情节上可以添加想象，提高趣味性，比如，狗受伤状况详细描述，如何将狗放在自行车上，路上有没有发生什么？如何治疗，最后如何处置。。

Saving Lassie

Bobby's life was taking a turn for the better after his sudden bout of illness. After being forced to stay cooped up inside for weeks as he recovered, it made a nice change to just ride on his bike enjoying the fresh country air. As he rode on, Bobby's eyes glanced at the sights of the countryside and what he had been missing out on - the new farmhouse down the road, the autumn leaves, a dog lying on the side of the read...wait, what? --- Good start: the story is initiated naturally and reasonably.

Immediately Bobby cycled towards the poor creature. After hopping off his bike he picked up the dog and began a thorough examination, concluding that it was probably a farm dog who had been hit by a vehicle a few hours ago, injuring its legs. He looked sorrowfully at the dog who was howling in pain.(- more description is desired to display the sighted injury of the dog) It reminded him so much of his childhood pet Lassie, which he had had to put down because of her old age (good reflection..). Bobby knew he had to get help - and fast.

Sadly, Lassie-Lookalike (really, Lassie was what he was beginning to call her) could not fit on his small modest bicycle. Without a second thought he jumped onto his bicycle and pedalled furiously. Though he was a farm boy, Bobby was not accustomed to handling animals and he knew there was no way he could help heal Lassie, not without a proper qualification. Thank goodness there were people who lived nearby who could help. The Smiths, who had recently bought the new farmhouse - they had a daughter about his age, right? She would know what to do, especially after growing up with the Smiths who were known throughout the town as 'the animal family'.  – This paragraph was logically and smoothly written, serving well the information that is necessary to enact the incoming scenario.

Half panting, half wheezing, Bobby came to a halt in front of the farmhouse before pressing the doorbell. Almost immediately a curly-haired,freckled young girl was there, waving politely and carrying a young animal at the same time. "Hello, you're Bobby right? Do come in, have some tea will you?" She spoke with a slight accent he couldn't pinpoint. "I'm sorry, can't stay. I found - I found a dog, injured dog down back. Couldn't fit onto bike. Can you help?" He could barely form sentences now. To his delight the girl nodded, put down the animal and proceeded to get out her own bike (did she have any words? Any question? In what way did she respond to your news? Did she have any facial and emotional feedback? Why still a bike, knowing that the dog can’t be fit onto it?). In what felt like only a minute to Bobby, the two cyclists were there and even sooner they'd returned and Lassie had gotten treatment for her wounds (more details/consequences are needed as how the dog was put onto the bike, anything happened during the trip? did they go to VET? How was it treated, and where did you dispose the dog? How long did it take to recover the dog?.... "Thank you, thank you." Bobby smiled as he took a seat. In the end they did have tea together after all.

yanaa

我女儿从国内来不久，刚来的时候起点很低，只是小学里唱唱跳跳学的那点英语，现在让她没事在家写几句，请何老师指点。女儿已经7年级了，很着急不知什么时候才能赶上同龄人的水平。她在国内用中文写作是很厉害的，但是一用英文就没词儿啦。
The Person I Admaire Most
The person I admire most is my swimming teammate Llio, a great swimmer, and she is my role model in swimming.
She is an extremely small and thin girl,her huge green shine with resoluteness. Every time I see her, she is carrying a huge wet sports bag, and her hair dripping wet with pool water. She trains every day from six o’clock in the morning, and a whole afternoon after school, no wonder she does all four strokes wonderful well and fast as lightning. It is a great mystery to me that how can her slender little body bear the huge burden from so much training. “It doesn’t bother me, I’m use to do it.” She said, smiling, when I asked her aren’t she tired from so much training.
She really is my model in swimming, not only I admire her excellent swimming skill, but also her mind to keep up swimmign training no matter how hard it is.

[ 本帖最后由 yanaa 于 2011-11-11 16:16 编辑 ]

Freeheart

看来要给孩子补习写作了

luvjo

天啊，看得心惊啊。我们家的什么时候才能写成这样啊。