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楼主:洋八路

[全澳] 谈谈英文写作 (话题之十一(266楼)反射性(写作)思维 (Reflective Thinking) [复制链接]

发表于 2010-10-3 23:34 |显示全部楼层
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这是给几年级小朋友的要求呢
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发表于 2010-10-4 10:59 |显示全部楼层
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谢谢何老师

发表于 2010-10-4 15:20 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-10-3 23:34 发表
这是给几年级小朋友的要求呢


只要是想提高写作水平,不管几年级都必须有这个要求,区别的只是精读文章的难易程度。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-10-4 21:51 |显示全部楼层
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那请问何老师,你在上面提供的那篇是哪个年级的?可不可以提供一个YEAR2 的。

发表于 2010-10-5 11:14 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 sarahliang 于 2010-10-4 21:51 发表
那请问何老师,你在上面提供的那篇是哪个年级的?可不可以提供一个YEAR2 的。

那篇文章是给Grade 5 writing (可以相当于4-5年级)。注意,小孩的语言能力和所处的学校年级并不直接相关,更多取决于学生本身阅读写作的训练情况和家庭环境。小孩的语言能力(阅读和写作)也要单独评估,比如,刚移民过来的小孩,虽然在学校放在5年级,可是写作水平可能连一年级都达不到。另外,很多人认为大量阅读就可以“自然”提高写作水平,听起来很有道理,可是,据我在实践中观察,这个“自然”程度要比多数人想象的低很多。所以,我们还是不能忽视精读的重要性。当然,如何提高小孩的精读兴趣又是另一回事。我们不能因为小孩“不喜欢”的东西,就简单“放弃”,关键还是要想办法如何让小孩喜欢“抄抄写写”,喜欢朗读,设计各种兴趣小组活动还是可以激发小孩的兴趣的。

这里提供一篇Grade 2写作的文章,供参考。。(注意,习惯和持续比文章本身的内容更重要,语言是靠积累的)

The Ugly Duckling
------------
Once upon a time down on an old farm, lived a duck family, and Mother Duck had been sitting on a clutch of new eggs. One nice morning, the eggs hatched and out popped six chirpy ducklings. But one egg was bigger than the rest, and it didn't hatch. Mother Duck couldn't recall laying that seventh egg. How did it get there? TOCK! TOCK! The little prisoner was pecking inside his shell.

   "Did I count the eggs wrongly?" Mother Duck wondered. But before she had time to think about it, the last egg finally hatched. A strange looking duckling with gray feathers that should have been yellow gazed at a worried mother. The ducklings grew quickly, but Mother Duck had a secret worry.

   "I can't understand how this ugly duckling can be one of mine!" she said to herself, shaking her head as she looked at her last born. Well, the gray duckling certainly wasn't pretty, and since he ate far more than his brothers, he was outgrowing them. As the days went by, the poor ugly duckling became more and more unhappy. His brothers didn't want to play with him, he was so
clumsy, and all the farmyard folks simply laughed at him. He felt sad and lonely, while Mother Duck did her best to console him.

   "Poor little ugly duckling!" she would say. "Why are you so different from the others?" And the ugly duckling felt worse than ever. He secretly wept at night. He felt nobody wanted him.

   "Nobody loves me, they all tease me! Why am I different from my brothers?"

   Then one day, at sunrise, he ran away from the farmyard. He stopped at a pond and began to question all the other birds. "Do you know of any ducklings with gray feathers like mine?" But everyone shook their heads in scorn.

   "We don't know anyone as ugly as you." The ugly duckling did not lose heart, however, and kept on making inquiries. He went to another pond, where a pair of large geese gave him the same answer to his question. What's more, they warned him: "Don't stay here! Go away! It's dangerous. There are men with guns around here!" The duckling was sorry he had ever left the farmyard.

   Then one day, his travels took him near an old countrywoman's cottage. Thinking he was a stray goose, she caught him.

   "I'll put this in a hutch. I hope it's a female and lays plenty of eggs!" said the old woman, whose eyesight was poor. But the ugly duckling laid not a single egg. The hen kept frightening him.

   "Just wait! If you don't lay eggs, the old woman will wring your neck and pop you into the pot!" And the cat chipped in: "Hee! Hee! I hope the woman cooks you, then I can gnaw at your bones!" The poor ugly duckling was so scared that he lost his appetite, though the old woman kept stuffing him with food and grumbling: "If you won't lay eggs, at least hurry up and  get plump!"

   "Oh, dear me!" moaned the now terrified duckling. "I'll die of fright first! And I did so hope someone would love me!"

   Then one night, finding the hutch door ajar, he escaped. Once again he was all alone. He fled as far away as he could, and at dawn, he found himself in a thick bed of reeds. "If nobody wants me, I'll hid here forever." There was plenty a food, and the duckling began to feel a little happier, though he was lonely. One day at sunrise, he saw a flight of beautiful birds wing overhead. White, with long slender necks, yellow beaks and large wings, they were migrating south.

   "If only I could look like them, just for a day!" said the duckling, admiringly. Winter came and the water in the reed bed froze. The poor duckling left home to seek food in the snow. He dropped exhausted to the ground, but a farmer found him and put him in his big jacket pocket.

   "I'll take him home to my children. They'll look after him. Poor thing, he's frozen!" The duckling was showered with kindly care at the farmer's house. In this way, the ugly duckling was able to survive the bitterly cold winter.

   However, by springtime, he had grown so big that the farmer decided: "I'll set him free by the pond!" That was when the duckling saw himself mirrored in the water.

   "Goodness! How I've changed! I hardly recognize myself!" The flight of swans winged north again and glided on to the pond. When the duckling saw them, he realized he was one of their kind, and soon made friends.

   "We're swans like you!" they said, warmly. "Where have you been hiding?"

   "It's a long story," replied the young swan, still astounded. Now, he swam majestically with his fellow swans. One day, he heard children on the river bank exclaim: "Look at that young swan! He's the finest of them all!"

   And he almost burst with happiness.
--------------------
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-10-5 13:48 |显示全部楼层
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Thanks
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发表于 2010-10-5 22:47 |显示全部楼层
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何老师真是太伟大了!提供的兩篇已经编辑打印出来了,打算好好跟女儿练练。

“另外,很多人认为大量阅读就可以“自然”提高写作水平,听起来很有道理,可是,据我在实践中观察,这个“自然”程度要比多数人想象的低很多。所以,我们还是不能忽视精读的重要性。”
说得真好。我一直都CONFUSE为什么我女儿读的书不少,但是writing 一直不好。

发表于 2010-10-5 23:26 |显示全部楼层
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何老师请帮忙看一下我女儿闲时写的一篇, YEAR2。写的不太像样。
这是 requirement.
You are in a crowded shopping centre with your younger brother or sister. You turn around and he/she was disappeared. You have to find he/she quickly. Tell how you rush from shop to shop, searching. Where do you find him/her?



There lived a girl named Melody who had a little brother called Mike. Melody was 13 and Mike was 3. Once they were at the supermarket. It was so crowded that when Melody was looking at the strawberries, she turned back but she lost sight of Mike.

First Melody rushed to search the bakery, then the supermarket. She was very worried indeed. She was starting to cry. Melody searched until she got to Kmart, she found Mike reading books.

发表于 2010-10-5 23:28 |显示全部楼层
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She was so happy that she ran and jumped on Mike. Melody told Mike, " Next time don't run off again." And Mike never did.

刚才漏了最后一段

发表于 2010-10-6 22:32 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 sarahliang 于 2010-10-5 23:28 发表
She was so happy that she ran and jumped on Mike. Melody told Mike, " Next time don't run off again." And Mike never did.

刚才漏了最后一段


You are in a crowded shopping centre with your younger brother or sister. You turn around and he/she was disappeared. You have to find he/she quickly. Tell how you rush from shop to shop, searching. Where do you find him/her?

点评:
        --  句子通顺,表达清楚,文字不呆板,还使用了对话,对二年级的学生来说很不错了。
        --  需要改进的地方:最好按照要求以第一人称 “我”来陈述这个故事,可以显得更“亲切”点。可以更加细致的描述“我”的心情和担忧时的表现。还可以想象更多的情节,比如作者急切地询问其他人(对话),或者找错了人的情景,又或者叫当地保安呼叫这样的情节,这样可以更加生动的描述作者当时焦虑心情和故事气氛。


Better use 'I' in stead of 'Melody' to tell the story.
-------------------
There lived a girl named Melody who had a little brother called Mike.  Melody was 13 and Mike was 3.  Once they were at the supermarket. ( You may tell your reader why only Melody and Mike went there shopping. eg.  – Their parents  asked Melody to look after your little brother as they were away.)  It was so crowded that when Melody was looking at the strawberries, she turned back but she lost sight of Mike (This sentence may be re-written, using one or more sentences to describe “crowd”, and more information how you could lose sight of him..)

You can add a few more sentences here to describe your shock and anxiety when you couldn't find him. Murmuring to yourself would be a good choice.

First(ly) Melody rushed to search the bakery, then the supermarket (where did Melody lose sight of mike? should be somewhere in supermarket first?). She was very worried indeed. She was starting to cry. (You need to write more about your feeling – how you walked, talked and your behaviour when you were so worried?) the  Melody searched until she got to Kmart, she found Mike reading books (seems too easy finding him, need more interesting scenarios, making up more events, asking the cashier, other shoppers, security guard, mistaking another boy as Mike, etc).
She was so happy that she ran and jumped on Mike (Excellent you use powerful verb “jump” to describe your excitement and relief). Melody told Mike, " Next time don't run off again." And Mike never did (Ending naturally, but do you believe a three year boy would listen to you?).
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-10-6 23:39 |显示全部楼层
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何老师,太感谢了。真的是有茅塞顿开的感觉。用彩打print了,准备给女儿讲解。
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发表于 2010-10-7 21:04 |显示全部楼层
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我也贴一篇 儿子写的 作文:
Subject: what do you like doing at the beach? List all the fun things you can do there.  Also write about the dangers you might come across at the beach and how you can do to prevent them from happening.

When I am at the beach I get to do heaps of fun things but some can be fierece or dangerous.  There could be some ways to prevent them but if you get one little mistake it can be fatal.

I would like to play volleyball with my dad, my mum, my cousins, my grandparents and friends.  My team is going to be the Dragon and our opponent's team is going to be called the Roosters.  Secondly I would love to build huge sand castles with a deep moat around the mansion.  It would also have lots of shells, flags, paths and leaves.  Lastly I can go swimming in the shallow end where you can see the sand clearly.  I wouldn't like to swim in the deep part because I might be drowned.

A blue bottle floats in the deep blue water with their long stinging tenacles.  When they are dead they float to shore and stay still.  Their poison is so venomous that it can kill 60 people in just squarting out one spray.  They only tool that can help is vinegar.  The second one that is dangerous is the mussel.  They have really sharp shells that make your body bleed.  They do not harm you unless being disturbed.  You should stay away or be careful not to let them open their disgusting wide mouths.  The last one are slippery rocks.  They might not harm you but they are slippery and sharp.  You should not be near them.

These are beach activities that I enjoy playing.  There are also some information about the dangers and how to prevent these awful danger.  

我不是特别喜欢他的最后一句,总觉得他的每次开头和结尾写得不够生动,怎么办呢?

发表于 2010-10-8 12:27 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-10-7 21:04 发表
我也贴一篇 儿子写的 作文:
Subject: what do you like doing at the beach? List all the fun things you can do there.  Also write about the dangers you might come across at the beach and how you can do to  ...


点评:

这篇文章已经写的很好了,贴合主题,文句通顺,结构也很清楚,对危险的动物描述的比较详细和得体。
改进的地方:结尾显得平淡和重复;这是一个informational的文章,虽不能象讲故事那样Creative,但也可以添加一定的情节、文字处理或者幽默等来提高“兴趣度”。

我写了一个开头和结尾,看能否给Jiang 妈妈一点启发?

----
The beach and the glistening sea have always been a place of my joy and fantasy. On sunny weekends, or during summer holidays, the shining sandy memory would start waking up, and on these moments I would keep nudging my mum till she had to cancel all other plans and agreed to bring us to the dreamy seashore over and over again.

----
----
----

Australia is a beach country with vast coastal lines. What a lucky boy I am living in this country! Beaches along the urban areas are quite popular in most of the seasons and can be safer because many neccessary preventative measures have already been put on by the local community as a result of numerous unfortunate tragedies in the past. From now and then, my mum and dad would also drive us to remote seaside, which was still very much at its primitive condition. On these untamed beaches, my mum would never stop shouting “Careful, Careful, Don’t…” until I came to realize that, unlike those clean and tidy ones, here I had to rely on my limited knowledge and safety precaution to protect me from being harmed by its wilderness, while still enjoying the greatest beach pleasure.

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[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-10-8 12:39 编辑 ]
英文写作老师