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楼主:洋八路

[全澳] 谈谈英文写作 (话题之十一(266楼)反射性(写作)思维 (Reflective Thinking) [复制链接]

发表于 2010-8-24 14:40 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 lotus1993 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 lotus1993 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
何老师,
这个写作贴太棒了。谢谢!

我儿子喜欢英文写作,但俺只能看看热闹。他写得好不好俺看不出来,哪里需要改进俺更提不出来。这边的学校老师一般只给个分,连错别字都很少改。

请帮忙看看我儿子(八年级)的这篇作文:

Descriptive Writing

The black sleek craft glided effortlessly through the night sky above Sydney. It is majestic, silent and aerodynamic in every way. It glided through the night air like a shark's fin through water and it is almost invisible thanks to the black radar absorbent paint. The plane has two swept wings, a pointed nose which ascends to the cockpit. Just above it is the single engine it has leading to the rear of the plane, where it is flanked by two tail sections. Mounted in each swept wing were 130mm cannon and 11.7mm Gatling gun. On the underside of its wings, it usually carries four atomic missiles but this mission purely does not involve the destruction of several cities. In fact, it was here to take pictures of Sydney before the invasion, so there was an EXHD camera on each wing (EXHD stands for extra high definition). The pilot can also operate an extremely concentrated beam of red laser, capable of destroying almost anything.

The pilot looks out of the plan and sees a city in ruins. There are wrecks everywhere and there are more craters than the moon. The city is littered with dead bodies, twisted, blackened and charred with almost no chance of identification. DNA samples might work, but the amount of radiation in each body has severely mutated the DNA. The atomic bombing has done its work. On every street, there were wrecked houses. Occasionally, some of these houses where still standing, indication that it is a military bunker, and with that many houses wrecked, it wasn't hard to spot the ones still standing up. The houses are more and more destroyed as it leads towards the Harbor Bridge. Once renowned for being one of the most spectacular bridges in the world, it is now a platform with twisted metal lying everywhere, with two piles of dead bodies on either side with an isle of death in between. This was the fighting from a day before, with men with railguns, radiation spitters, chemical grenades and flamethrowers killing each other. The pilot could remember the hell that day. It was all over in minutes. There were people vaporizing each other with railguns, leaving nothing but ashes in their wake. There were people mutating other people with radiation spitters, causing them to develop random problems, such as extra arms, before killing them. There were the flamethrowers, burning people into cinders and last of all there were the chemical grenades. It explodes when detonated and a puff of greenish smoke immediately bursts out, infecting any uncovered skin. Once infected, you start coughing black blood and vomiting and your skin starts to fall out, turning blue as they leave your flesh, then after several painful seconds, you explode with black blood raining down on everyone. All sense of humanity is gone. Now, the pilot could see a new kind of threat emerging. Some of the mutated bodies have started moving and walking. Now the livings are screaming even more as the undead walked towards them, tearing them apart. The pilot hastily took a few pictures and flew away, not before strafing the undead and the living with bullets, saving them from a fate which was more like a nightmare. The ground was riddled with bullet holes, like Swiss cheese. The plan flew away from the city, its mission successful. However, in the pile of dead bodies that he had just strafed, a few hands are moving. The zombie plague is back.
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发表于 2010-8-24 16:06 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 judywang 于 2010-8-24 13:38 发表
My son doesn't like narration. He always says it is boring to write. He likes reading. But I can't see much improvement in his writing. What should I do?


We have to admit writing is very difficult if not the most, among the various means of communication in one's life. But as the English philosopher, Beacon Francis, put it, "Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man and writing an exact man", only writing makes a person to be "exact" or “complete" in the human society. When someone writes, he or she is contributing their knowledge to others in the social group. The information flow changes its direction from reading input to writing as an output.

Kids, as much as adults, don’t like writing because it is an exhaustive brain exercise. It needs accurate wording and depth of knowledge in the written area to avoid possible misinformation. But just like people can enjoy those mentally intensive activities such as math or chess playing, writing can still be of fun and interesting.

For your son to start, you need to firstly raise his interest. Why do people write? What exactly is writing? Why is writing important? Can writing also be of enough fun?

Once he has established right understanding and the much-needed writing interest, there are many ways to improve at the skill level.
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-8-24 22:00 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 lotus1993 于 2010-8-24 13:40 发表
何老师,
这个写作贴太棒了。谢谢!

我儿子喜欢英文写作,但俺只能看看热闹。他写得好不好俺看不出来,哪里需要改进俺更提不出来。这边的学校老师一般只给个分,连错别字都很少改。

请帮忙看看我儿子(八年级)的这篇作文:

Descr ...


谢谢,Lotus跟帖分享,以下是我的点评(注:只是我个人的感觉,仅供参考和大家讨论):

        -- 单个句子里的描述还可以,但是全文的句型显得呆板了点(大都是用主谓宾的主动语句,比如,用, the pilot 和there are等开头的句子过多,显得重复,读者都起来比较闷。当然也有几个很好的句子。)
        -- 第一段写的清楚一些
        -- 第二段太乱:是原子弹爆炸?还是地面部队,还是生化武器?(飞机还向地面扫射)以及人体基因变种等等。一般原子弹都爆炸了,就不用子弹扫了。作者将全部能想到的作战手段和结果揉成一团,感觉不够“真实”,没有逻辑。最好就详细描写一种伤亡情形(原子弹轰炸后的描述),或者分段描述不同的武器所造成的结果。

Descriptive (描述)是为故事服务的,不存在纯粹的描述性作文,标题,事件的交待,和段落过渡还是需要的。作者对事件的发生基本没有交待。第一段说,飞机是在入侵前来悉尼上空拍照片的。那么,第二段的情形也是在这个时候看到的吗?还是,几天后入侵的结果?


作者可以先编一个合理的故事,然后将描述技巧充分体现在整个故事里。



Descriptive Writing

                                Title? (no title, or not pasted here?)

The black sleek craft glided effortlessly through the night sky above Sydney. It is majestic, silent and aerodynamic in every way. It glided through the night (repeat twice 开头重复了两次,显得不够活泼) air like a shark's fin through (too many throughs) water and it is almost invisible thanks to the black radar absorbent paint. The plane has two swept wings, a pointed nose which ascends to the cockpit. Just above it (what is “it” here?) is the single engine it has leading to the rear of the plane, where it is flanked by two tail sections. Mounted in each swept wing were 130mm cannon and 11.7mm Gatling gun. On the underside of its wings, it usually carries four atomic missiles but this mission purely does not involve the destruction of several cities. In fact, it was here to take pictures of Sydney before the invasion, so there was an EXHD (Extra High Definition) camera on each wing (EXHD stands for extra high definition). The pilot can also operate an extremely concentrated beam of red laser, capable of destroying almost anything.

Need at least one sentence for transition – such as tow days later. Or stamp a time of 6:00 AM August 24, 2010 as subheading.

The pilot looks out of the plan and sees a city in ruins. There are wrecks everywhere and there are more craters than the moon. The city is littered with dead bodies, twisted, blackened and charred with almost no chance of identification. DNA samples (sampling) might work, but the amount of radiation in each body has severely mutated the DNA. The atomic bombing has done its work. On every street, there were wrecked houses. Occasionally, some of these houses where still standing, indication (indicating) that it is a military bunker, and with that many houses wrecked, it wasn't hard to spot the ones still standing up (too many segments). The houses are more and more destroyed as it leads towards the Harbor Bridge. Once renowned for being one of the most spectacular bridges in the world, it is now a platform with twisted metal lying everywhere, with two piles of dead bodies on either side with an isle of death in between(this is a good sentence,should have been used more). This was the fighting from a day before (a day before? More information needed), with men with railguns, radiation spitters, chemical grenades and flamethrowers killing each other(do you need these when there was an atomic bomb?). The pilot could remember the hell that day. It was all over in minutes. There were people vaporizing each other with railguns, leaving nothing but ashes (vaporize to liquid form, not ashes) in their wake. There were people mutating other people with radiation spitters, causing them to develop random problems, such as extra arms, before killing them. There were the flamethrowers, burning people into cinders and last of all there were the chemical grenades. It explodes when detonated and a puff of greenish smoke immediately bursts out, infecting any uncovered skin. Once infected, you start coughing black blood and vomiting and your skin starts to fall out, turning blue as they leave your flesh, then after several painful seconds, you explode with black blood raining down on everyone. All sense of humanity is gone. Now, the pilot could see a new kind of threat emerging. Some of the mutated bodies have started moving and walking. Now the livings are screaming even more as the undead walked towards them, tearing them apart. The pilot hastily took a few pictures and flew away, not before strafing the undead and the living with bullets, saving them from a fate which was more like a nightmare. The ground was riddled with bullet holes, like Swiss cheese. The plan flew away from the city, its mission successful. However, in the pile of dead bodies that he had just strafed, a few hands are moving. The zombie plague is back. (This big paragraph needs to reorganized into smaller parts or some parts to be removed)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-24 22:13 编辑 ]
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-8-24 22:39 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 lotus1993 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 lotus1993 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
谢谢何老师的点评.我觉得您说得特别有道理.
找个机会我向小子传达一下.
这个孩子下笔不愁,但写完了就扔一边了,从来不自己修改修改.
:)

发表于 2010-8-24 23:20 |显示全部楼层
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谢谢楼主回帖。
我儿子今天写了一篇流水帐。但自认为写的很好 。我提了些意见,他很不屑。发到帖子上麻烦何老师指点指点。(儿子上Y4)

A factual recount
First time to ride an A380 flight

It was night. Mum, Dad and I were waiting anxiously to board the A380. We had gone to China and it was time to come back. We flew to Singapore and we were changing planes.

(Event 1) Several minutes after, we finally boarded the plane. There was a corridor which led us to the plane and them it split in three. One was first class, another one was bottom level and the last one was the top.

(Event 2) The plane was massive. It could carry more than 400 people at a time. The double engines looked small. Inside the plane were lots of chairs. But they all looked comfy and they were. There was a TV in front and it had lots of games.

(Event 3) Next we took off and flew normally. I played lots of games but I became tired and slept. When it was nearly morning the flight attendants called us up and delivered breakfast. It had some fruit, a bun, butter, jam and lots more. When it came to land, there was a loud thump and the plane bumped up and down. It came in all a sudden and it was pretty frightening. It felt like that you were bounced up and down. We successfully landed in Melbourne airport and we went home.

I memorized the bump very well and it was the first time I went on an A380 so it was very exciting.

发表于 2010-8-25 12:29 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 judywang 于 2010-8-24 22:20 发表
谢谢楼主回帖。
我儿子今天写了一篇流水帐。但自认为写的很好 。我提了些意见,他很不屑。发到帖子上麻烦何老师指点指点。(儿子上Y4)

A factual recount
First time to ride an A380 flight

It was night. Mum, Dad ...


八路点评(注:不称何老师了,土气加俗气,还有傻气,实在不喜欢

        初看起来,段落清楚,想看。这个很重要,有些作文瞄一眼就觉得累。
        标题好,层次分明,基本按时间发生顺序讲述,结尾也不错。
        第二段不是一个event。
        但是,全篇没有写出题目所暗示的主题,没有写A380的不同之处。读者读了会失望(题目是,first time on A380, not first time on the plane).

-----

A factual recount
First time to ride an A380 flight

It was night. Mum, Dad and I were waiting anxiously (why anxiously? your reader wants to know)to board the A380 (need to indicate which airport). We had gone to China (tense not right – eg: We have spent one month touring around China) and it was time to come back. We flew to Singapore and we were changing planes.

(Event 1) Several minutes after, we finally boarded the plane. There was a corridor which led us to the plane and them it split in three. One was first class, another one was bottom level and the last one was the top.

(Event 2) The plane was massive. It could carry more than 400 people at a time. The double engines looked small. Inside the plane were lots of chairs. But they all looked comfy and they were. There was a TV in front and it had lots of games. (this paragraph is not an actual event. It is a description, can be at first introduction, or together with an actual event.)

(Event 3) Next we took off and flew normally. I played lots of games but I became tired and slept. When it was nearly morning the flight attendants called us up and delivered breakfast. It had some fruit, a bun, butter, jam and lots more. When it came to land, there was a loud thump and the plane bumped up and down. It came in all a sudden and it was pretty frightening. It felt like that you were bounced up and down (this landing description is quite impressive). We successfully landed in Melbourne airport and we went home.

I memorized the bump very well and it was the first time I went on an A380 so it was very exciting (really? from what you just write above, it is just a normal flight, not very much special, except it has 400 seats. Is it big? Your reader doesn't know, you didn't give any comparison..).

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-8-25 23:23 编辑 ]
英文写作老师
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发表于 2010-8-25 13:57 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 SMART1968 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 SMART1968 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
能请何老师讲评一下吗?老师说是抄来的,小福州说是自己写的,小福州很气以不肯去补习了。

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-25 12:59 编辑 ]

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发表于 2010-8-25 14:07 |显示全部楼层
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需要这老师评语也传上来吗?我真不知这老师怎样。

[ 本帖最后由 SMART1968 于 2010-8-25 13:25 编辑 ]

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发表于 2010-8-25 14:20 |显示全部楼层
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老师根据什么说他是抄来的呢?

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发表于 2010-8-25 14:24 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
这是一封信吗?如果是,应该有一个信的格式。还有这个题目是什么?象是战场家书?老师即使认为是抄的,也不能明说的。要找机会拐弯的传递信息。没有证据就更不可乱说了。你可以把评语贴上来看看,反正就是交流讨论的。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-8-25 14:27 |显示全部楼层
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我把老师抨语传上来,小福州 一定要找叔叔阿姨抨理。
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发表于 2010-8-25 14:29 |显示全部楼层
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看到评语了。可能那个老师认为写作内容同题目出入大,就是抄袭?题目是运动员获奖,写一封信。而写的内容是战场打仗死人的。。可能有走题了。

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