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楼主:洋八路

[全澳] 谈谈英文写作 (话题之十一(266楼)反射性(写作)思维 (Reflective Thinking) [复制链接]

发表于 2010-9-6 10:44 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-9-5 22:10 发表
Budgies
Budgies are small birds  
They are a type of parrot
I think they are cool
Thunderstorms
Big, grey
Roaring, raining, blasting
It is very dangerous
Rainstorms
Leopard
Big, slim, fast, cool
Runni ...


点评:

        第一首诗,写的很好啊。
        格式排列很好,roaring, raining, blasting  and running, climbing, pouncing, 对的好。
        改进的地方: 有点走题,题目是budgies, 可是后半部分写的是leopard。 如果能勾画出budgies 在那些凶猛的leopard环境下悠然自得的啄吃种子的情景,就很完美了。当然,如果可以找一些可以rhyme (押韵)的词,也会增色不少。。



Budgies
Budgies are small birds  
They are a type of parrot
I think they are cool
Thunderstorms
Big, grey
Roaring, raining, blasting
It is very dangerous
Rainstorms
Leopard
Big, slim, fast, cool
Running, climbing, pouncing
I think they are the best runners
Cheetah  (if the author can refer back the budgies on second half, it will be a self-enclosed beautiful peom)

[ 本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2010-9-6 09:57 编辑 ]
英文写作老师
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发表于 2010-9-6 10:49 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 SMART1968 于 2010-9-5 22:12 发表
另神童天才补习班的要求需要传上来吗?


可以啊,让大家看看。。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-6 11:00 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 jiangkitty 于 2010-9-5 22:18 发表
何老师,

谢谢您了。什么时候您在Hills开班呀,我们一定报名。我儿子二年级,可要等到四年级才能参加您的学校,时间有点久。


您客气了。以后可以把小孩的文章贴上来,让大家点评点评。。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-6 11:42 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 SMART1968 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 SMART1968 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 洋八路 于 2010-9-6 09:49 发表


可以啊,让大家看看。。

不知能看清楚吗?

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发表于 2010-9-6 17:19 |显示全部楼层

回复 64# 的帖子

此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
看的清楚。那个点评,在61楼。。

发表于 2010-9-6 18:44 |显示全部楼层
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哇,原来这是写作指导呀。太好了,收藏。
好象这位何老师也在HILLS区,能不能以后每周让我儿子写点东西您给指导一下,我儿子今年七年级,写作一直是他的弱项,也不知道怎么让他提高,可他自我感觉很好。哪天请您给他开导开导。
錢總是賺不夠的,生命卻終有盡頭。
樹欲靜而風不止,子欲養而親不待。
常回家看看!!!!
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发表于 2010-9-6 18:49 |显示全部楼层
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听人家说背范文很管用,何老师能不能推荐几本对写作有帮助的书给我们。

发表于 2010-9-6 22:57 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 barry.wang1 于 2010-9-6 17:49 发表
听人家说背范文很管用,何老师能不能推荐几本对写作有帮助的书给我们。


背范文是有用,不过很少学生可以坚持下去。我一般是提供精读文章,每天读两遍,抄一遍,每个星期两-- 三篇。要完成100篇,可以达到一种熟练程度。然后是泛读(每周至少看自己感兴趣的书,加上书评)。。 几本书是不够,泛读的要小孩自己喜欢看才行。死记硬背有用,但很辛苦。
英文写作老师

发表于 2010-9-6 23:10 |显示全部楼层

回复 68# 的帖子

此文章由 barry.wang1 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 barry.wang1 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
谢谢回复。其实小孩很听老师的话,希望你跟他开导开导。

发表于 2010-9-7 00:24 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 guyue 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 guyue 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
本帖最后由 guyue 于 2012-11-11 07:07 编辑

何老师, 请点评一下我儿子的这篇作文好吗。多谢!
Fantasy Adventure – Diggler’s Escape
“Diggler! Quick! Let’s escape from here!” whispers Merv. Merv and Clara have just rescued their dog, Diggler from Dorvark, the mad wizard. Now they need to find a way out of Dorvark’s evil castle.
“Maybe we can use Diggler in our escape plan.” Clara suggests.
“Emergency! Emergency! We have a guard who is injured! Please go to the back entrance of the castle immediately!” announces Diggler. Diggler is the only talking dog in Australia. That’s why Dorvak tried to capture him.
While Dorvark is tricked by running to the back entrance with his guards, Merv, Clara and Diggler dash to the front entrance and escape out of the evil castle.
After Dovard realizes he’s been tricked, he rushes to the front entrance, only to find the footprints of Merv, Clara and Diggler leading down the mountain. Dorvark is so angry that he uses his magic trident to send black wasps after them.
The brother and sister and their little dog are running down the mountain when Merv hears the noise of the flying wasps.
“Gather up together as soon as possible! Black wasps are chasing us!” shouts Merv over the noise.
All three of them lie down quickly and get into a big snowball.
“Aaarrrh!” they scream because the snowball is rolling down fast and nobody can see that the snowball is heading to a huge rock.
SMASH! The snowball bursts into pieces of snow flying everywhere. Luckily no one is seriously injured.
“It’s time to use our special ability. Let’s become invisible and carry Diggler to the escape helicopter,’’ Merv gulps.
By that time, Dorvark has arrived. To his shock, he sees a flying dog moving towards the forest. Dorvark is also amazed that the flying dog can turn left and right, without realizing that it’s actually carried by the two kids. He just stands there, not knowing what to do.
Within a few minutes, the dog “flies” into the helicopter standing in the forest with a spot marked H. Soon, the helicopter gets started and flies away.
Dorvark can never understand why a dog can fly. He thinks and thinks so hard that he becomes insane. In the end, Dorvak is thrown into the mad house, where he spends the rest of his life!

发表于 2010-9-7 11:32 |显示全部楼层
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原帖由 guyue 于 2010-9-6 23:24 发表
何老师, 请点评一下我儿子的这篇作文好吗。他四年级。多谢!
Fantasy Adventure – Diggler’s Escape
“Diggler! Quick! Let’s escape from here!” whispers Merv. Merv and Clara have just rescued their dog, Dig ...


点评:

        写的很好,很生动。
        事件交待的清楚,文句也很通顺(优秀)。
        时态用的很一致,没有错误 (优秀)。

            需要改进的地方:加点时间的概念,比如故事发生在上午,晚上?还有一些逻辑细节可以补充一下。

Fantasy Adventure – Diggler’s Escape

“Diggler! Quick! Let’s escape from here!” whispers Merv. Merv and Clara have just rescued their dog, Diggler from Dorvark, the mad wizard. Now they need to find a way out of Dorvark’s evil castle.
“Maybe we can use Diggler in our escape plan.” Clara suggests.
“Emergency! Emergency! We have a guard who is injured! Please go to the back entrance of the castle immediately!” announces Diggler (How to announce? Please tell your reader in more detail). Diggler is the only talking dog in Australia. That’s why Dorvak tried to capture him.
While Dorvark is tricked by running to the back entrance with his guards, Merv, Clara and Diggler dash to the front entrance and escape out of the evil castle.
After Dovard realizes he’s been tricked, he rushes to the front entrance, only to find the footprints of Merv, Clara and Diggler leading down the mountain. Dorvark is so angry that he uses his magic trident to send black wasps after them.
The brother and sister (this relationship could be revealed earlier) and their little dog are running down the mountain when Merv hears the noise of the flying wasps.
“Gather up together as soon as possible! Black wasps are chasing us!” shouts Merv over the noise.
All three of them lie down quickly and get into a big snowball(more about this snowball, how..is there?).
“Aaarrrh!” they scream because the snowball is rolling down fast and nobody can see that the snowball is heading to a huge rock.
SMASH! The snowball bursts into pieces of snow flying everywhere. Luckily no one is seriously injured (How, not injured?).
“It’s time to use our special ability. Let’s become invisible and carry Diggler to the escape helicopter,’’ Merv gulps.
By that time, Dorvark has arrived. To his shock, he sees a flying dog moving towards the forest. Dorvark is also amazed that the flying dog can turn left and right, without realizing that it’s actually carried by the two kids (how? Can fly apart from being invisible? Then wasp should not bother them? ). He just stands there, not knowing what to do.
Within a few minutes, the dog “flies” into the helicopter standing in the forest with a spot marked H. Soon, the helicopter gets started and flies away.
Dorvark can never understand why a dog can fly. He thinks and thinks so hard that he becomes insane. In the end, Dorvak is thrown into the mad house, where he spends the rest of his life
英文写作老师
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发表于 2010-9-7 14:37 |显示全部楼层
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At work, thus can't type in Chinese.

Thanks a lot!!!

发表于 2010-9-11 18:08 |显示全部楼层
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何老师, 点评一下这篇作文好吗。2年级。多谢!

Killer plants

People eat plants. Animals eat plants. Insects eat plants. But some plants are not happy to be someone else is meal--they bite back!
Imagine the people are amazement when the scientist found plants that can eat in sects!
Carnivorous plants usually live in places that the nutrients are poor in the soil.
The most famous killer plant is terrenes fly trap; it means death to any ants, fly or wasp!
It grows only to about 15cm tall.
The monkey cups has powerful digestive liquid in it, monkeys in the juggle had been seen to drink the liquid in it!

发表于 2010-9-12 16:47 |显示全部楼层
此文章由 洋八路 原创或转贴,不代表本站立场和观点,版权归 oursteps.com.au 和作者 洋八路 所有!转贴必须注明作者、出处和本声明,并保持内容完整
原帖由 ECLF408 于 2010-9-11 17:08 发表
何老师, 点评一下这篇作文好吗。2年级。多谢!

Killer plants

People eat plants. Animals eat plants. Insects eat plants. But some plants are not happy to be someone else is meal--they bite back!
Imagine th ...

点评:
        -- 开头开的很好,写的很生动。

改进的地方:

        -- 内容部分少了点,对这种植物要多做点调研(Research),并且把知识内容写在一个大点的段落里,而不是一句一句的分列,因为不是对话,也不是写诗。
            
        -- 缺乏结尾


Killer plants

People eat plants. Animals eat plants. Insects eat plants. But some plants are not happy to be someone else’s meal--they bite back! (excellent opening!)
Imagine how people are amazed when the scientist found plants that can eat insects!
Carnivorous plants usually live in places that the nutrients are poor in the soil. The most famous killer plant is terrenes fly trap; it means death to any ants, fly or wasp! It grows only to about 15cm tall. (can write more about this plant
The monkey cups (is this another variety of carnivorous plants? Need to explain) has powerful digestive liquid in it, monkeys in the juggle had been seen to drink the liquid in it! (Monkey cup is a type of carnivorous plant. This sentence is not scientifically correct. Remember this is not a fictional or narrative writing)
Ending? (eg: When you see this type of plants, be careful Do NOT put your fingers inside the cup!)
英文写作老师