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本帖最后由 洋八路 于 2015-11-27 17:38 编辑
Regan, Year 4.
这是学生自己写的Pokémon游戏小说的部分选段
The Pokémon World
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We walked into the wide building and in front of us was the professor.
“May I see your Pokémon again,” said Rowan.
We handed in our Pokémon to the professor.
“Hmm” hummed the professor. “They are young but they seem happy, alright! You can keep them. Also would you like to help me with something? As a very busy man, I would like you to help me with studying Pokémon. This is a Pokedex. It will record the Pokémon you encounter.
Is where your journey really begins.
When we left the lab, dawn was waiting for us.
“You see this building with the orange roof”, Dawn said “That is the Pokecentre. Inside that building you can hear your Pokémon or use the PC. Do you also see that building with the blue roof? That is the Pokemart. You may buy or sell items at the Pokemart. Oh yes! Don’t you two need to tell your mums? They need to know about this.”
I walked down the route and then entered Twinleaf Town. I entered my house and saw mum watching TV.
“Oh! Hey Regan!” It’s very late you should get some sleep.
THE NEXT MORNING………
“What did you want to tell me dear”, asked mum.
I then told her what happened.
“Wow, that’s amazing”, exclaimed mum. “I wish I could do it instead. Just kidding! Also, take this. This is a journal. It will record what you do each day. Have fun”
As soon as mum finished speaking, Steve’s mum came into our house.
“Oh, hi!” said Steve’s mum. “I was wondering whether you could give this to Steve. I had no time to give it to him”. I agreed to take the parcel to Steve.
When I went back to Sandegm Town, I healed my Pokémon in the Pokecentre (because I fought Starlys and Bidoofs while getting here.) When I approached route 202, Dawn was waiting for me.
“The other boys are already at Jublife City so you are quite behind. I did forget to tell you something yesterday, which is how to catch a Pokémon. First you need to find a wild Pokémon.
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点评:
1. 故事人物和结构还算清楚。
2. 但非常缺少场景细节描述,人物不够生动。
改进版本:
The Pokémon World
We walked into the wide building, and in front of us was the white-bearded professor.
“May I see your Pokémon again,” he said, squinting from a pair of gold-rimmed spectacles.
Without hesitation I handed in our Pokémon to the professor, who had gained much of our confidence with his knowledge and wisdom.
“Hmm,” the professor nodded, after a long moment of thoughtful inspection, “they are young but they seem happy, alright! You can keep them. Also would you like to help me with something? As a very busy man, I would like you to help me with studying Pokémon. This is a Pokedex. It will record the Pokémon you encounter.’
So it was where our journey really began.
Outside the lab, Dawn was waiting for us. “You see that building with the orange roof?” he asked, pointing at a building a few blocks away from the lab. “That is the Pokecentre. Inside that building you can hear your Pokémon or use the PC. Do you also see the building with the blue roof? That is the Pokemart. You may buy or sell items at the Pokemart. Oh yes! Don’t you two need to tell your mums? They need to know about this.”
It was late in evening, and to be honest, I was weary enough for a nice sleep. So after saying ‘good night’ to the guys, I walked down the route to Twinleaf Town. I entered my house and saw Mum watching TV.
“Oh, Regan!” she exclaimed at once at her first sight of me, like one whose worry seemed endless. ‘It’s very late you should get some sleep, otherwise I would like to hear what you have been up to this whole day.’
‘Yes, Mum,’ I mutterred, dragging myself upstairs to my bedroom.
THE NEXT MORNING………
“What did you want to tell me dear,” Mum asked as soon as I was seated for breakfast. With so much pride and a fresh mind I began to tell her what had happened.
“Wow, that’s amazing”, Mum said. “I wish I myself could do it instead. Just kidding! Also, take this. This is a journal. It will record what you do each day, have fun.”
At that moment, we heard someone knocking at the door. Mum rose and went for it and when the door was opened, I saw Steve’s mum's smiling face.
“Good morning, Helen, ” she greeted promptly, “I am sorry to have come early to interrupt your breakfast, but I wonder whether Regan could give this to Steve. I go shopping and won’t have time to give him myself.”
‘Steve?’ I called out, surprised. ‘Has he already set off to the Town?’
‘Yes, indeed, he left home earliy, having barely finished breakfast.’
‘Haha, the hasty Steve,’ I was laughing. ‘Then leave the parcel here, and I will pass it to him.’
At Sandegm Town, I repaired my Pokémon in the Pokecentre (because I had fought Starlys and Bidoofs while getting here.) When I approached the route 202, I saw Dawn waiting there with anxious look.
“Hurry, Regan, the other boys are already at Jublife City so you are quite behind,’ he shot out his words. ‘And I did forget to tell you something yesterday, which is how to catch a Pokémon. First you need to find a wild Pokémon...
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